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My Idea
Jun 14, 2007 14:08:37 GMT -5
Post by J Jack on Jun 14, 2007 14:08:37 GMT -5
So, after reading the Operation Firebrand series and coming back to God I decided to return to the forgotten novel that I began a long time ago. So the basic idea is as follows.
A story of epic proportions about a realm defending itself from external warfare and hiding a deadly secret. Four counties ruled by four clerks under one emperor. Now the clerks are representative of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, disease, hunger, war, and death. The emperor is not representative of any horsemen he is just a rotten guy.
Now these five rulers each control a massive section of land and live in immense fortresses protected by hundreds of thousands of loyal soldiers similar to the Roman Legions (google it!). Under each of these men is a general commanding the troops. However a dark secret lurks in the mountain regions to the east of the counties. A city that is larger than all the five fortresses together and defended by a population destined for military service and they defend the Daemongate.
This fortress is nigh impregnable inside and out (the daemongate is housed deep in a cavern in the mountains and the soldiers defend from both sides) and defended by the most disciplined and highly trained troops. The ocean connects the city/fortress to the Eastern lands and through a massive mountainous channel (a large river running under the mountain) to the northern reaches. These two lands are those that oppose the Wests rule and are constantly at war. However this fortress city is constantly under attack from those that would control he daemon horde held at bay behind a massive gate (did I mention them earlier?). With such contest over who will control the city rebels have taken this opportunity to begin raids in all three lands and plunder and loot (not good rebels like Star Wars or Eragon; evil rebels sorta like land pirates).
In constant strife the land has birthed a legion of soldiers loyal to the previous emperor (benevolent, caring, etc) and they are the only ones who can help defend a land split by conflict from being overrun by unholy daemons of war and chaos.
This legion is commanded by the poster boy for the U.S marines. He commands a legion of knights, honorable and chivalrous, whom dedicate their lives to the cause of saving the world in essence. This could take place in the real world or in some fictitious place.
That is not it but I would like constructive criticism on this idea. You can post or email me a jamesdjack@hotmail.com. (only email if you feel what is said should be kept between us.) I will keep finding notes I took a long time ago and begin rebuilding this story and adding on to it.
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My Idea
Jun 14, 2007 15:46:04 GMT -5
Post by Jeff Gerke on Jun 14, 2007 15:46:04 GMT -5
Awesome story idea, sabre! I love fantasy with a military edge to it. I'm very glad you're working on this story again.
And welcome to The Anomaly!
Jeff
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My Idea
Jun 14, 2007 21:31:42 GMT -5
Post by J Jack on Jun 14, 2007 21:31:42 GMT -5
Thanks Jeff. I definately found some notes from two years ago about the main characters and I'm in the process of modifying them to better fit the new storyline. Should have more up soon. Maybe even a prologue for everyone to criticize and comment on. (Please be nice Though it may take time as saving writing under weird names and not making folders etc etc really makes it hard to find old work. I have to sift through three years of high school essays and homework, yay, can't wait to relive that joy.
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My Idea
Jun 14, 2007 22:42:06 GMT -5
Post by mongoose on Jun 14, 2007 22:42:06 GMT -5
You mention the Operation Firebrand series. I only saw the one book. Can you tell me the author and the other titles?
I Like the idea of your story. Nice world building. I've never gotten far in that, though I've toyed with what might be included. That's kind of ironic, to go off on a tangent, because I love movies and books that do a good job of showing WHERE people are, and where they're going. Landscapes and such. And I love to explore IRL, and will use maps and compass for that. It's just, in my mind, that there's so much involved in the forming of political boundaries and cultures that I can't begin to figure what they would be in any given landscape. And what's wrong with the landscape we have here on Earth? It's pretty fantastic as it is. But as I say, I enjoy reading books that do a good job of that, and it sounds like yours could be such a one.
I ask if you have a plot in mind? I see the set up of the conflict (sort of. more on that later) but not where it's headed. Who wins, and how? What is the objective of each side?
Also, I THINK I saw at least six distinct groups of combatants. Maybe it's just the way my mind works, but I get lost after three, and even that makes it difficult. I'm much more comfortable with the good guys, led by two - 12 or so individuals, vs. the bad guys led by as many individuals. Certainly there's lots of units fighting on either side, for various things, mercenary groups, countries caught in the cross fire, those vieing for political power without being involved in the military struggle, etc. in any real conflict. I just can't keep track of that many without being constantly reminded of who the PCs are, each time they appear after being abscent from the story for very long.
I'm not saying your PCs have to be two dimensional, good or bad. Only that I like to see that there's two or three sides in conflict, so I can tell who's against whom, and who's on which side. Granted, each PC may be both good and bad, likewise the countries, but you've generally got protagonists and antagonists.
So it's a great idea, and I would totally go for it, only considering if you want to have so many character groups and if all of them are essential to flesh out for the story, or if some can simply exist in the background.
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My Idea
Jun 15, 2007 7:12:55 GMT -5
Post by J Jack on Jun 15, 2007 7:12:55 GMT -5
The Operation Firebrand series was written by Jefferson Scott and you can find them on Amazon.com for about ten dollars each or in some book stores.
On the topic of place, Earth is a perfect choice however it does lack some scenic components such as a massive mountainous region with full rivers running through them. It might work, but more research will tell me where, if any good spots arise, this will take place.
The plot...now the objective of the bad guys (whom I will describe later on) is to take over the city (which is called Shroud..for now) and control these demons swarming beyond the gate. The good guys, they don't want this to happen. That is the very very basic idea behind it. Who wins...well only time will tell. *cough* good guys *cough*
The groups are not that diverse. There are many people but on one of three specific sides.
The Evil Group--
The Clerks- The guardians of each county inside the country, they follow the emperors orders and rarely (except the war mogerer) do anything they aren't told to do. They have no intiative (except the war mongerer) and just sit in their fortresses ruling their lands and ignoring the plights of the citizens. (Only the war mongerer and the disease loving pyscho ever take initiative)
The Emperor- Rules entire west of...wherever we are...and is a shrewd tactician, conquering hero (in his mind), and lover of all things that make his people suffer more.
End of Evil Group--
The On the Fence Group--
Rebels- Not good rebels. Land pirates who wish chaos and unrest amongst the people simply for the joy of battle and the loot they gain afterwards. Noone likes them and they will never take a side only sow confusion and death amongst the masses in all three countries.
End of On the Fence Group--
Good Guys--
Legionairres of Captain Montvarl--The only legion of fifty thousand foot soldiers and twenty thousand cavalry that is not under the command of the emperor. They hold a coastal fortress and town that the Emperor leaves alone becasue he doesn't need the losses.
I have to run so the rest will be up soon. Remember this is prone to change so we will see what happens when I get on again.
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My Idea
Jun 15, 2007 7:47:15 GMT -5
Post by Jeff Gerke on Jun 15, 2007 7:47:15 GMT -5
Breaking in here about the Operation: Firebrand series. Mongoose, did you know that I wrote those books? Jefferson Scott is my pen name. Go to www.jeffersonscott.com and compare the photo there with the photo at the "Who Is Jeff?" link on www.WhereTheMapEnds.com. There are three novels in the series: - Operation: Firebrand
- Operation: Firebrand--Crusade
- Operation: Firebrand--Deliverance
And if you go to www.addall.com you can find them for just a few cents each. It'll probably cost you more for shipping than for the cost of the books themselves. And now back to your regularly scheduled discussion on sabre's cool idea. Jeff
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My Idea
Jun 15, 2007 9:38:02 GMT -5
Post by Christian Soldier on Jun 15, 2007 9:38:02 GMT -5
Sounds interesting. What is the alignment(good or bad) of Shroud and it's inhabitants? Now these demons you refer to, are they Biblical Demons of fantasy demons?
Aside: I've read OP: Firebrand and like it...now I just have to wait for #2(long story).
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My Idea
Jun 15, 2007 16:05:28 GMT -5
Post by J Jack on Jun 15, 2007 16:05:28 GMT -5
On the topic of Operation Firebrand, amazing books. Had to return them to my sister but plan on buying them eventually (meaning when I get money).
Back to the good and evil and on the fencers.
Continue of Good-
Defenders of Shroud- Stalwart warriors of more generations than they can remember. Never retreated and always ready to fight a war, they are the only line between the world of men and the realm of demons.
Northlanders- Men of the North fight no wars with the west or east and try to say out of the events of rebels and the corrupt clerks and emperor. They live in a snowy mountain range and are fierce warriors but not barbarians. Understanding that defending Shroud is of utmost importance they only stick their fingers into that cookie jar and remain out of other problems.
End of continuation of Good
The demons...they are almost a mix of biblical and fantasy demons. They lust for war and blood, and serve a single master that makes the emperor look like Gandhi. They wish chaos among the world and want to slaughter and murder just for the sake of it. They are in their own category of evil.
So there are several groups but most are easily distinguishable as good or evil or just plain rotten.
The character sheet still eludes me so wait with bated breath for character descriptions. Please keep throwing criticism as it will evolve the story. Thanks for all the posts already.
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My Idea
Jun 17, 2007 1:42:47 GMT -5
Post by mongoose on Jun 17, 2007 1:42:47 GMT -5
It's coming clearer to me. Maybe I just needed shorter paragraphs. :-P
So the bad guys have to get THROUGH the demons, to take over the city of Shroud? and there's good guys to the north of said city who kind of keep to themselves.
I'm wondering how much of a role you'll have these northerners, and the rebells playing in the plot, seeing as how I guess the main players are the legionaries vs. the troops of the lords under the emperor.
If I'm right, and they'll play a relatively minor role, then I wouldn't spend too much time developing them as characters. They'd not become PCs, if it were my story. They'd be mentioned by some of the PCs, IC, when appropriate, but if they made any actual appearances it would be either briefly in isolated instances that had some bearing on the main plot, or it would be by rogue individuals who left their main groups to join one of the two main groups, or to challenge one of the two main groups.
And I've been in huge mountain ranges with great rivers flowing through them. Mostly here in Alaska. I also read that the Snake River in Montana and Idaho is that sort of country, and some parts of the Colorado river drainage are supposed to be pretty spectacular.
I think I would set a fantasy story in North Western Montana in an alternate universe where the white folks haven't already taken over and swept everyone else aside.
We invent elves, but they're basically like exagerated Native Americans, Welsh, Scotts, or Irish, so I'd just have some genetically pure, selectively bred, super natives or some such. Or authors create things like Orcs, which are basically exagerated human bad guys, taken from the ranks of the good guys, and twisted to make them bad. So, a dictator like the alternate dimension's Hitler kidnaped a bunch of scottsmen, treated them like attack dogs or whatever, genetically engineered them to produce offspring with baboons (maybe test-tube-babies), and you've got german super Scotsmen gone bad.
Now, if someone came up with some really original creatures or cultures, that would rawk. I haven't made allegorical connections between your people in this idea, and any actual, human people group, so I don't know if you're being original or not. Generally speaking, though, I have my doubts about a lot of fantasy authors and their methods.
I realize I went off on a tangent there, which had little to nothing to do with the current thread. I sort of apologize.
Jeff, if I got to that website, do you get more money than if I buy the books from some other place? When possible I prefer to support the artist/author/etc. TIA!
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My Idea
Jun 19, 2007 7:16:31 GMT -5
Post by J Jack on Jun 19, 2007 7:16:31 GMT -5
Thanks for the locale and description (even if you went off on a tangent about...well I still don't know. Read it six times and almost makes sense)
But... The city of Shroud is almost neutral. Behind their gates lies the demons. Outside their gates lies the bad guys. In between are the defenders. There's more to it but that is the very basics.
So Bad Guys->Shroud<-Demons
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My Idea
Jul 6, 2007 23:08:04 GMT -5
Post by J Jack on Jul 6, 2007 23:08:04 GMT -5
So this is a section of the story. Preferably the opening but I'm looking for input. Remember this is the rough draft and very open to change.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The sun had dipped below the mountains and the only light was a faint glow over the snowy caps of the western ranges. Shadowy figures waited until utter blackness covered them in a blanket of stealth before acting. A cool breeze stirred sand across the desert and the temperature dropped steadily and warm breaths misted in the air. Three men cloaked in dark robes crept towards a small camp, keeping low to the shifting sands and making not a sound. Drawing a long curved dagger darkened with charcoal from previous campfires, one man darted out from the group and moved forward in complete silence. The target was not far, only one two hundred paces from their hiding place. Reaching the hurriedly constructed walls without raising an alarm was priority, and the three were the best at what they did. Marshall Douglas was the leader of the scout group, and he reached the wall first. Gaps were many in the weak fortifications, and it was too easy to slip in between sharpened logs. Sleeping on duty was frowned upon, but with only a few minutes until the shift change Allen found his eyes heavy and his eyelids drooping ever so much more with each passing moment. He began to muter to himself to keep awake. “Why does anyone,” Allen paused to yawn widely, “need to watch prisoners when there are guards everywhere? Think about that!” He snickered uncontrollably as exhaustion overwhelmed his already fragile mind. Allen tottered and passed out on his own, face down in the dirt. Marshall couldn't believe it, exhaustion saved that man's life. Silently dragging the body into the shadows, then slipping into the large animal skin tent, Marshall was almost finished his task. Several soldiers of the Fourth Legion, were tied to the center post of he spacious prison tent. Marshall set about freeing the only one still awake, Andrei Saroyan.
Remember rough and merely just a small sample.
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Post by Christian Soldier on Jul 7, 2007 2:18:56 GMT -5
Can't say I ever recommend using -ly adverbs. Why? Because every one of them tells me what I'm seeing rathe than showing. Hmm...recommend that you add in a sentence to show them. Example: "The log walls had massive gaps all throughout." Something to that effect.
One last thing:
When possible, ie here, you want lead ins like this one to be "transparent". What I mean is that your reader should read it and drive on without pausing. Here, try this and see if you like it: "Why does anyone," Allen yawned, "need to watch prisoners when..." See what I mean?
For more info read Self-Editing for Fiction Writers purchaseable from Amazon.
Otherwise I love it and look forward to the day when I can read the whole story.
Your Servant--CS
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Post by J Jack on Jul 8, 2007 1:18:32 GMT -5
Thanks for the input. It really does seem smoother with some tweaks.
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Post by Divides the Waters on Dec 3, 2007 2:38:32 GMT -5
Just a technical detail:
This is the best way to format that sentence: "Why does anyone"--Allen yawned--"need to watch prisoners..."
If you do it the other way, it implies that he is yawning the words rather than saying them. (This is not a personal gripe; I rather like the old school tendency to say how words are delivered by using an interesting verb other than "said," but modern writers are told to avoid it like the plague. I'm the same way about adverbs; they're my achilles' heel.) The dashes outside the quotes are the best way, according to the latest style manuals, to have an actual interruption in dialogue.
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My Idea
Dec 10, 2007 23:16:05 GMT -5
Post by J Jack on Dec 10, 2007 23:16:05 GMT -5
Thanks, I didn't realize anyone was even checking this anymore. I've been so busy lately and the story is just sitting there, making me angry.
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