Need help with a blurb

[celesta]

All suggestions will be greatly appreciated!

Cherish had lived on the habitat ship her whole life. They all had. But the generational ship was bleeding air and they had discovered a habitable planet. There was even a structure on the planet’s surface which they could call home. Cherish was put in charge of the investigation to find out what happened to the previous inhabitants of the planet. A power failure turned things towards darkness. The darkness only deepened when the colonists found out what really happened to the people who used to live there. Cherish knows she’s racing the clock as she tries to help develop a cure before it’s too late to save the children.

[Kessie]

Hmm, you have a lot of plot there for such a little blurb. The last sentence is almost a non-sequitur, too. How many sentences can you have for this blurb? The two-sentence one might actually be helpful:

*WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS*, *YOUR PROTAGONIST* *PURSUES A GOAL*. But will he succeed when *ANTAGONIST PROVIDES OPPOSITION*?

I don't know your story, but it might be something like,

"When the generational ship nears the brink of collapse, Cherish (a human)? must study a nearby planet to find out why its inhabitants disappeared, and whether her people can live there. But can she succeed as the ship loses power and a deadly virus clamors for her race's extinction?"

That's just a wild guess. But you see how it's done. :-)

[birdnerd]

Blurbs are supposed to be present tense, aren't they?

[justinjoesherman]

Celesta,

I am by no means an editor, but could I give it a try?

Using Kessie's and Birdnerd's suggestions, how about this for the middle part:

"Cherish, now charged with the investigation, must find out what really happened to the planet's previous inhabitants. Then, a power failure immerses them in darkness - and the darkness deepens when they discover the real answer."

Then again, I'm probably way off track, here, not knowing your full story. I hope this helps!

[celesta]

Ok, thanks for the suggestions!

[tris]

The last sentence intrigues me. Drop all the previous stuff and tell me in two or three simple sentences why the children are dying, then add the last line. Maybe condense it a bit: Cherish knows she’s racing the clock to develop a cure before it’s too late to save the children.

We don't need all the bits about the generational ship and the planet -- that's just set up to your story. The children are dying and the hopes of the generation ship with them. Running out of power and ideas, Cherish knows she's racing the clock to develop a cure before it's too late.

[celesta]

Ok, is this better?

When the generational ship is bleeding air, the colonists escape to a habitable but strangely deserted planet. But a power failure turns things towards darkness which only deepens when they begin to discover the truth. Cherish knows she’s racing the clock as she tries to help develop a cure before it’s too late to save the children.

[birdnerd]

"But a power failure turns things towards darkness "

Awkward construction (AND a conjunction starting a sentence outside of dialogue... Sorry, that's Fred, my Pet Peeve).

How about... "A power failure brings on a darkness which only..."

[Kessie]

I recently posted a blurb like this on a blog of professional writers. One lady kindly gave me the crit that she wanted to see more of who my main character was and what her inner struggle was. She didn't care as much about my plot as about my main character. That might be useful to keep in mind, Celesta. :-)