Seas Deep Raging

[Christian Soldier]

I had this idea for a story stomped into my head after a prayer session, so here it is. Any feed back would be appreciated.

[edit: What follows is after I edited it with the suggestions so far.]

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Relentless rowing. Pull, push, rest, pull, push, rest. Day on, and day off. The storms billowed outside our boat, thrashing the boat up and down, left and right. All this just to row off the side of the world. Bound by chains of our own making. Our packs filled with all the things we had accumulated in our lives so far: our baggage.

At night, the sea would speak to us. It gave us it's assurance that this couldn't last, that our lives were actually good, that we should be thankful for all it gave us. Most of us were, not even seeing our own imprisonment. Not even feeling the heavy chains that bound our wrists and feet.

During a great storm, a man walked up to the boat. Walked! He was wet, just like we were, but the storm didn't faze him at all. His face radiated love and kindness like we had never seen. Within moments, he let his goals be known: he wanted us to leave the boat. For ages he talked to us, and we learned. His name was Jesus, and He wanted to free us from the boat and take us to His home. A wonderful place, He told us, where there would be a mansion for each of us. All we had to do was step out of that boat.

The sea raged at this interloper. It reminded us of the safety of the boat, the calm that follows every storm. All we had to do was stay in the boat.

Then He told us of His love for us. He showed us the great scars on his wrists and his feet. Those, He said, were for our sins. He suffered the unimaginable to get us out of that boat, to break our chains, and to take us home, to be apart of His family. All we had to do was step out of that boat.

The sea reminded us of all the good times. It reminded us of the community we had built, of the things we had accomplished. It reminded us of the things we had accumulated. Surely no one could carry so much on their backs. We would have to leave it behind. To keep it, all we had to do was stay in the boat.

For days, weeks, years, He talked to us, and yet, it was as though he was talking just to me. He told me of His father, who wanted to have a relationship with me, of the wonderful Angels and their kin, and He told me that many of my family members were there. Oh! How wonderful His home sounded. All I had to do was step out of that boat.

Waves rocked the boat, and the rain soaked through my coat. Lightning struck the water around us. She air smelled of ozone and burnt fish. All these things awaited us outside our refuge. All we had to do, to be safe, was stay in the boat.

He extended His hand and asked me, “Will you come out here and follow me?” My heart swelled, my fear ignited, and my comrades started to shout. In my fear, I was rocking the boat. The water looked so deep, the wind was so strong. What if I should fall? What if I drown? Lightning flashed in the sky and the winds roared. Somewhere in the depths of my heart, I heard a voice ask: What if I don't?

I said, “Yes! I'll follow you” and the chains broke! I took the offered hand and he pulled me from that old rickety boat. I was on the water! Amidst all the wind, rain, and waves, I was standing on the water! My heart raced from the excitement of it! I hugged my Jesus to me, what a wonderful hug it was! I turned and offered my hand to those still in the boat. “Come with me!” I cried, “Let's go together!”

After a while, I dropped my hand and looked at Jesus. He sighed and said, “I had hoped others would come, too, but nether the less, let us go”

He set one foot in front of the other and I hoisted my pack higher and followed. I was frightened, scared, but with Jesus, I knew I would be all right. The storm raged, and my clothes soaked through. My pack, so lite at first, got heavier as we walked. Jesus strode through the storm as though it were nothing, and yet I was beginning to struggle. The swells were so high and steep, it took everything I had to climb each one. Yet Jesus slowed to my pace and kept me company.

All the time I walked with Him, He talked to me, and my soul grew with each word. How wondrous the things He said to me! How magnificent His thoughts and ideas. It was so easy to believe then; so easy to continue in His steps.

As I grew wetter, and tired, and my pack heavier, He drew away from me. It was just a little at first, but I would rush and catch up. Even when I was behind, He would look back and keep talking to me, yet as the storm raged, and my pack grew heavier, and my clothes wetter still, I started to doubt.

Could this man really lead me to paradise? Of course He can! What should happen if I fall? Why, he would pick me up, or so I would imagine. How could I be so sure? Wouldn't it be nice just to rest for a moment? Just a moment to sit down and let my aching bones rest, and how they ache?

There was movement at the corner of my vision. A fish, a BIG fish, was swimming beneath me. Could Jesus save me from that!? The cold water rushed into my nostrils, ears, and mouth. I snapped my eyes and mouth shut against the frigid water. I surfaced and sucked in the sweet air. I flung my soaked hair behind me and blinked the stinging water away from my eyes. “Jesus!”

He sprinted back to me and offered His hand. “Take my hand!” He cried.

I wanted to! I really did, but I doubted. What if I should drown while trying to grasp it? Could he really lift me, my clothes and my pack out of the water? He had nothing to brace himself against!

I shook my head and screamed out again, “Help me!” Jesus extended His hand again, but I could see in His eyes the anguish that He felt. He knew I was lost, and yet, He stayed by me. He crouched down and whispered to me, encouraging me to swim, to reach out and accept His help, but I couldn't. My own doubt and fears kept me pinned to that spot.

The thunder and lightning were deafening, and the constant downpour made it impossible to see. Where was Jesus? He had been there a moment ago. Didn't He promise that these things wouldn't happen to me? Didn't He say that nothing bad would ever happen? Jesus... where are you...

I was just starting to slip back under. “Why not give up”, the sea asked. “Why not just let me have you? It's a better way to die than to die kicking and screaming. Why not let me give you some rest?”

A massive fish brushed up against my foot. It must have been huge! A second time, this time I could have stood on it! In my fear, I cried out His name: “Jesus!”

He was there! Right beside me where He had always been. His quiet voice said, “I'm here, son” His face was filled with love and compassion like I had never seen or felt. Those emotions were for me! He cared about my plight! He cared about all the things I had been through so far. Again He extended His hand. I could see the scar that He got when He gave His life for mine. “Take my hand!”

By now, the current had taken hold. I was no longer where I was. In fact, I could almost see the boat where I started! “Take my hand!” I looked up again. He looked so anguished, so worried for me. My pack and clothes were weighing me down, making it near impossible for me to swim.

The sea whispered in my ear, “Why not rest? Let me take you in my arms and hold you till you sleep? Let me take your burdens and cares away.”

For a brief moment, I was tempted. For a second, I just wanted to let go and surrender to that which had me already, but no! I would not submit to it! I shed my pack and my heavy clothes. With the last of my energy, I lunged as high out of the water as I could and grasped the hand He offered to me. I was free! He had pulled me from the water!

We walked again. This time, I ignored the sea when it called. I even laughed at it from time to time. My Jesus led me towards His home, but it would be a long journey. A very long journey, and not an easy one either. Before we could get there, we ran into another boat filled with lost souls.

I wonder if they would like to join us?

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Here's the questions I need answered: Where am I telling too much? Where am I showing too much, if any? Should I let the ending out a little, or bob it off sooner? Do I seem to get Jesus' character down, or did I miss it entirely. Should I even call Him Jesus, or should I use a different name?

Thankyou all for reading it. God bless you, and my your creativity shine! -- CS

[torainfor]

Do you believe "once saved, always saved"? If so, I'd make it clear that, although he could drown, he can't get back in the boat.

I'd also add more about the sea and what it says from the beginning. Maybe how it threatens and taunts the people in the boat. Certainly its vocal role in the man's feeling weighted down and slower than Jesus.

The first few paragraphs may be a little awkward in how the narrative keeps changing from "us" to "me." Maybe keep it "us" until the man makes his decision to leave? Or just until the "it seemed like He was talking just to me" line--but put a paragraph break either right before or right after.

Maybe more specifics on the backpack, too--how the man needed his waterproof coat and whatever else he had in his pack. And how about walking up and down the swells? How it's hard to walk uphill and easy to trip and slide down when the path is supposedly easier?

There's a lot of "Oh,...!"'s. I'm one of the rare creatures who doesn't mind repetition if it's for an intentional effect. If not, you might want to edit--or just decide it was intentional!

Really good, though. Kept me riveted.

[Christian Soldier]

Thanks! As soon as I've rested up a bit, I'll make those changes and see how it looks!

[Divides the Waters]

What is the intended readership?

Good title, by the way.

[Christian Soldier]

Okay, edit done. As far as readers go, right now it's for the few readers left on my site and here. It's also an excersize to keep my creativity up until I can start work on my masterpiece(whatever that may be)

And thanks for the compliment. Titles have always been my thing. It's the last step in my creation process, and also the hardest. I just went back and made the changes Torainfor recomended and I changed the beginning to reflect some of the things I heard in church this morning. So! Now I need more feed back. What could I change to make this the best story ever?

[Divides the Waters]

Since this is more of an allegorical view of Christ than it is a historical vignette, I would almost recommend changing "His name was Jesus" to "He called himself The Fisherman," and so forth.

As far as the telling goes, I suppose that you could show by dialogue (rather than narration) some of the things Jesus/The Fisherman talks about, e.g., "All you have to do is step out of the boat." Of course, this would definitely mean lengthening the story, but I'm all for giving a tale room to play out naturally, when possible.

[Christian Soldier]

Thanks for the Feedbak, DtW! More than likely I'll enact those changes you mentioned right after I've let it sit for a few more days. That should be the final edit. By me anyway.

[torainfor]

Pow, baby! That's powerful.

Paragraph 3: I might add a sentence about the Fisherman's general appearance before you get to His face. The previous two paragraphs describe long time periods and this one zips just a smidge too quickly.

Paragraph 8: You revert back to "we."

Paragraph 9: "In my fear..." you might add "indecision." I could see the indecision between going and staying rocking a boat.

One last thing: maybe Jesus tells him he doesn't need the pack, but he says he's so strong from all that rowing, he's strong enough to carry it. Although, it's a facade covering his addiction to it.

Amazing stuff!

[Divides the Waters]

CS, how's the latest draft coming?