A Synthesis Stab

[dulci]

Here's what I came up with. Some of the terms are in generics.


Under contract by the Kalorbi to provide resources, Planetary Inc. sends a mining operation to World, headed by Kata Pretika Miers. 3 mining-drill cities are transported and landed along with a skeleton crew, including Qali Shayr, a Kalorbi operative sent to investigate reports of immoral mining practices, and Miksa Pole, the engineer who designed the special equiptment for the operation.

Kata is looking for more than resources, though, the operation only a front for finding the Powerful Thing she detected. With the cities landed and operations begun, Kata leaves to bring back the full fleet and crew.

Against Kalorbi law, the drill-cities landed in an inhabited area. Attempts of World inhabitants to probe the cities have ended in death. Lord Vanglor, ruler of the area, gathers his forces for assault to the threat. Qali, seeing the illegal operation, leaves the cities to send a probe to the Kalorbi. He is caught by the peasant Aoni and persuades her to keep his presence secret from Vanglor.

Vanglor attacks a city. Because of drilling opening earth-layers to the Powerful Thing, there is heightened magic near the cities, which Vanglor's forces take advantage of. In the midst of the battle, Being breaks in and the battle is stopped cold, troops on both sides sent reeling. Some believe in Being, some believe against, but there's only mass confusion at first and the conviction that the fighting should not start again.

The miners open talks with Vanglor. Prupheen Gaz is appointed negotiator for Vanglor. Qali finds out from Miksa what the mining operation is really after. With the new knowledge of Being, the Thing comes into new signifigance. With those who believe, Qali makes plans to stop it. Vanglor also finds out about it and makes plans to get it for himself.

Kata returns with fleet and crew, furious that the drills stopped. The full crew comes down and most of the skeleton crew flees the cities. Vanglor sees his opportunity and agrees to cooperate if he gets his share. Qali, Miksa, Aoni and the rest of the believers start moving to stop them. Miksa and Aoni fall in love.

Kata finds the Thing and prepares to extract it. Qali gathers forces and attacks the cities. In space the Kalorbi arrive and fight the orbiting fleet. Miksa breaks into the main city and destroys the equiptment, but it costs him his life. Prupheen decides his real loyalties and kills Vanglor.

Kata and Vanglor are defeated, the Thing is safe. Kata is removed by the Kalorbi and tried. A new ruler is set over the land, and a new religious order is establisted. The Kalorbi, having found the God of their legends, take the news outwards from there. Aoni picks up the pieces of her grief and Qali, having found some peace, decides to stay on the World.


OK y'all - hack it to shreds!!!

[Jeff Gerke]

That, Dulci, is a remarkable work of synthesis. Extremely well done.

I'm going to give you something to think about to help you perhaps take another shot at it to help clarify something.

You're going to feel like I'm picking on you, but please don't see it that way. You've created a wonderful first synopsis, but it's also a good opportunity for me to do some teaching so that all participants can see what goes into making a good synopsis.

Looking at this as an acquisitions editor (sometimes my day job), the thing I'm not seeing here is a primary storyline.

Please re-read Method #3 at this link, and come give this synopsis another try.

Another thing I'm not detecting yet is a main character. Who is my protagonist? Who is my antagonist? While we should certainly have multiple storylines--and in each, every person should consider himself the protagonist--yet we as readers ought to know who our most sympathetic character is, and who or what stands in his or her way. The synopsis should make it clear whose story this really is.

Finally, when you've determined your protagonist, you should figure out his or her inner journey (see Tip #3 at this link). The revised synopsis should track the main movements of your hero's inner journey.

This is excellent work, Dulci. I hope I haven't discouraged you. I can't wait to see your revised synopsis.

And I'd love to see others take their stabs either at refining Dulci's working synopsis or coming up with their own. Not seeing your favorite elements in Dulci's synopsis? Why not write your own synthesizing synopsis?

Jeff

[dulci]

Thanks, Jeff. I'm rereading it now and I think I see what you mean, so I'll give this another shot and then post it again. And no, I don't think you're picking on me - I'll take any learning now to lessen the rejection pile later! Is there anywhere on the web that shows sample synopsises?

[Jeff Gerke]

I don't know of any synopses posted on the Web. However, that link that sends you to Method #3 in my previous post will give you good information. So witll Tip #2 (formatting) at the other link.

Jeff

[tk1912]

Just a suggestion for protagonist. How about Qali? It would take a few minor tweaks of the story, but I think he'd be a great hero for the story.

His personal journey could be something like this:

Qali suffered a major loss at some point in his recent past. He lost someone he loved, which affected his performance in the military, leading to him getting drummed out of the service. Since he has to eat, he became something of a mercenary and is known for his dull and somewhat detached demeanor. He doesn't believe that his life is worth living because, in his eyes, he has nothing left to fight for.

He's hired by Planetary Inc., not to investiage immoral mining practices (that role could be filled by an expendable "red shirt" who gets killed by the miners, much to Qali's indifference), but to head up security for the mining sites.

During the first battle, Qali shows some sign of life, but it's not good. He's fighting fiercely because it's the only way he feels something (and perhaps, due to his loss, he's harboring a secret wish to die).

But then the Being breaks in and Qali feels a flood of healing power for a scant few minutes. His pain is washed away in the Divine Presence and he feels at whole and at peace again.

The problem is after the experience fades. The battle is over and Qali isn't sure what happens. He's torn because on the one hand, he yearns for that feeling again. At the same time, though, he's scared to death of it because he's worried he'll lose it all again.

The second act of the story would be the internal battle between these two halves of Qali. This is exmplified by the two factions that are developing within the mining community. Some of the miners are scared to death of the natives and want to kill them all (this faction is supported by Kata; she figures that if they wipe out the fantasy world inhabitants, the way will be cleared to the Object). A minority wants to work in concert with the natives and learn more about the Being (Miksa represents this faction). Qali is torn between the two. On the one hand, he wants to save the World and its inhabitants and finally be healed. On the other, he's scared to death of feeling again and just wants to forget it all.

Obviously at the climax of Act II, Qali makes his choice and "sides with the angels," so to speak, throwing in his lot with Miksa and his allies, opening himself up to Divine guidance. He realizes that to have a fulfilling life, he has to be able to care.

Just some random thoughts that occurred to me. Thought I'd throw them into the mix.