Post by torainfor on Mar 2, 2009 20:33:49 GMT -5
I have a scene that just doesn't work. It does what it's suppose to, but the characters come off stiff and ungainly. I'd really appreciate any suggestions anyone might have.
Characters:
Petra: main character; 24-yo space pilot; Christian, but not innocent
Seren: ship captain; not Christian, but good guy having a pickle-head moment
Fluegel: mission commander; icky guy
Fiona: science journalist back on the station
Sean: Petra's ex-boyfriend who was supposed to be the lead pilot on the mission, but got kicked out due to Fluegel's machinations
What the scene does right:
- Shows off Petra's obsession with Capoeira
- Shows that while Petra has slept with boyfriends before, she's not a skank
- Sets up future tension--crew thinks Seren refuses to rescue Petra because she could threaten his career
- Sets up future tension between Petra and new potential love interest
- Sets up tension in sequel regarding Petra and Fluegel
What the scene doesn't do:
- Sing
Seren’s door stood open as Petra left the cockpit at shift’s end. He sat at his computer, mumbling to himself. She’d never stopped to think what work went into being a ship’s commander. She remembered Mari saying his anniversary was today. Maybe he needed help celebrating.
Petra found a chocolate cake in the freezer and stuck it in the microwave. They’d come a long way in the last few years—which wasn’t saying they were actually good. She floated the still-steaming chocolate-filled tray down the corridor, waiting until just outside Seren’s door to light the candle. The flame settled into a perfect sphere, only stretching when she moved again.
“Knock, knock,” she said, floating into his cabin.
“What’s this?” He turned toward her, eyes smiling above the dark smudges.
“Your anniversary cake.”
He took it and blew out the candle. “Why the candle?”
“Uh, cus I didn’t get you a card?”
He laughed and peeled away the cardboard pan. “Wow. This tastes...less than horrid. Want a piece?”
“Sure.” She took the broken-off chunk. “You’re right. This is absolutely mediocre.” She chased down an errant crumb that threatened to float up to the ventilation intake. “Whatcha working on?”
“Mostly reports, some studying. While you’re safely surrounded by sulfuric acid, we’re going to go chase down a comet.”
“Aren’t they too fast?”
“We’re not going to catch it, literally. We’ll plant probes and sensors and nonsense in its path.”
“Because one ground-breaking mission isn’t enough?”
“Exactly. Gotta earn our keep.”
“Is there anything I can help with? I’m a fast typer.”
“Don’t have enough work?”
“I’ve studied Venus until my head exploded, picked up the pieces off the walls, and studied some more. There’s only so many hours a day I can eat, sleep, and practice Capoeira.”
“That’s that Brazilian martial art form, yeah?”
“Yeah, I picked it up in Space City.”
“It looks. . .interesting.”
Petra warmed up to one of her favorite subjects. “It’s really good in zero-gee. The motions are all circular, momentum-based. You can use your opponent to brace your own actions. Unlike karate or Taekwondo, the movements are mostly from the side. Stand up, I’ll show you.”
He stood, a chagrined look on his face. She made a fist and extended it to him.
“If I throw a straight punch,” she cocked her knee up and slowly threw a push-kick, “or kick, like in karate or Taekwondo, the equal-and-opposite reaction will propel me away from you.” She hooked her left heel around his right leg and swung her right leg around to his shoulder. “With a circular kick, I can brace myself with my other leg, or swing back and hit you from the other side.” She gently pushed off with her right foot, and brought her left fist around to his head.
“What if you want to get away?” he asked, blocking her punch.
“Then a traditional kick would work,” she said. “But sometimes you want to stick around,” she twisted for another kick, “make sure you’ve taken care of your opponent.” She closed in, as if to give the final blow to his throat.
“I see your point,” Seren said, panting. “Sounds a bit like my favorite zero-gee activity.”
Petra felt her face heat up as she realized what he meant. She’d had no intention of coming onto him, whatsoever. She mumbled something unintelligible, even to her, and spun away. Fluegel looked in from the doorway. His face showed a strange mixture of disgust and triumph. She pushed herself to her room and locked the door.
Did that just happen? Did Seren really just say that? What did that mean? Had Fluegel been right about Sean? Did he only pick her as co-pilot so he’d have someone to sleep with? Did Seren figure that, with Sean out of the picture, he could step in?
Her heart raced, her head spun, and her stomach gurgled dangerously. She couldn’t “go” anywhere to think things over, and she had no one to confide in. Who would know space jocks well enough to have perspective, but be completely uninvolved with this crew?
She glided to the bed and tapped her wristdisk. There was one person who would understand.
“Hey, Fiona, it’s Pete. I know you wanted info on the mission but, honestly, nothing’s happened. Well, not nothing. I don’t know who else to talk to.”
She explained briefly what had happened. “What do you think? Did Sean pick me for this mission just to have someone to sleep with? I know some pilots have no problem with a reputation like that, but I don’t think I could handle it. This is nuts. I don’t know what to do.
“Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better just knowing it’s out there.”
(By the way, did you know "Taekwondo" in spell check comes up "Wonderbra"?)
Characters:
Petra: main character; 24-yo space pilot; Christian, but not innocent
Seren: ship captain; not Christian, but good guy having a pickle-head moment
Fluegel: mission commander; icky guy
Fiona: science journalist back on the station
Sean: Petra's ex-boyfriend who was supposed to be the lead pilot on the mission, but got kicked out due to Fluegel's machinations
What the scene does right:
- Shows off Petra's obsession with Capoeira
- Shows that while Petra has slept with boyfriends before, she's not a skank
- Sets up future tension--crew thinks Seren refuses to rescue Petra because she could threaten his career
- Sets up future tension between Petra and new potential love interest
- Sets up tension in sequel regarding Petra and Fluegel
What the scene doesn't do:
- Sing
Seren’s door stood open as Petra left the cockpit at shift’s end. He sat at his computer, mumbling to himself. She’d never stopped to think what work went into being a ship’s commander. She remembered Mari saying his anniversary was today. Maybe he needed help celebrating.
Petra found a chocolate cake in the freezer and stuck it in the microwave. They’d come a long way in the last few years—which wasn’t saying they were actually good. She floated the still-steaming chocolate-filled tray down the corridor, waiting until just outside Seren’s door to light the candle. The flame settled into a perfect sphere, only stretching when she moved again.
“Knock, knock,” she said, floating into his cabin.
“What’s this?” He turned toward her, eyes smiling above the dark smudges.
“Your anniversary cake.”
He took it and blew out the candle. “Why the candle?”
“Uh, cus I didn’t get you a card?”
He laughed and peeled away the cardboard pan. “Wow. This tastes...less than horrid. Want a piece?”
“Sure.” She took the broken-off chunk. “You’re right. This is absolutely mediocre.” She chased down an errant crumb that threatened to float up to the ventilation intake. “Whatcha working on?”
“Mostly reports, some studying. While you’re safely surrounded by sulfuric acid, we’re going to go chase down a comet.”
“Aren’t they too fast?”
“We’re not going to catch it, literally. We’ll plant probes and sensors and nonsense in its path.”
“Because one ground-breaking mission isn’t enough?”
“Exactly. Gotta earn our keep.”
“Is there anything I can help with? I’m a fast typer.”
“Don’t have enough work?”
“I’ve studied Venus until my head exploded, picked up the pieces off the walls, and studied some more. There’s only so many hours a day I can eat, sleep, and practice Capoeira.”
“That’s that Brazilian martial art form, yeah?”
“Yeah, I picked it up in Space City.”
“It looks. . .interesting.”
Petra warmed up to one of her favorite subjects. “It’s really good in zero-gee. The motions are all circular, momentum-based. You can use your opponent to brace your own actions. Unlike karate or Taekwondo, the movements are mostly from the side. Stand up, I’ll show you.”
He stood, a chagrined look on his face. She made a fist and extended it to him.
“If I throw a straight punch,” she cocked her knee up and slowly threw a push-kick, “or kick, like in karate or Taekwondo, the equal-and-opposite reaction will propel me away from you.” She hooked her left heel around his right leg and swung her right leg around to his shoulder. “With a circular kick, I can brace myself with my other leg, or swing back and hit you from the other side.” She gently pushed off with her right foot, and brought her left fist around to his head.
“What if you want to get away?” he asked, blocking her punch.
“Then a traditional kick would work,” she said. “But sometimes you want to stick around,” she twisted for another kick, “make sure you’ve taken care of your opponent.” She closed in, as if to give the final blow to his throat.
“I see your point,” Seren said, panting. “Sounds a bit like my favorite zero-gee activity.”
Petra felt her face heat up as she realized what he meant. She’d had no intention of coming onto him, whatsoever. She mumbled something unintelligible, even to her, and spun away. Fluegel looked in from the doorway. His face showed a strange mixture of disgust and triumph. She pushed herself to her room and locked the door.
Did that just happen? Did Seren really just say that? What did that mean? Had Fluegel been right about Sean? Did he only pick her as co-pilot so he’d have someone to sleep with? Did Seren figure that, with Sean out of the picture, he could step in?
Her heart raced, her head spun, and her stomach gurgled dangerously. She couldn’t “go” anywhere to think things over, and she had no one to confide in. Who would know space jocks well enough to have perspective, but be completely uninvolved with this crew?
She glided to the bed and tapped her wristdisk. There was one person who would understand.
“Hey, Fiona, it’s Pete. I know you wanted info on the mission but, honestly, nothing’s happened. Well, not nothing. I don’t know who else to talk to.”
She explained briefly what had happened. “What do you think? Did Sean pick me for this mission just to have someone to sleep with? I know some pilots have no problem with a reputation like that, but I don’t think I could handle it. This is nuts. I don’t know what to do.
“Thanks for letting me vent. I feel better just knowing it’s out there.”
(By the way, did you know "Taekwondo" in spell check comes up "Wonderbra"?)