Seeking Counsel

[metalikhan]

I hope I'm not opening a can of worms but I'm needing some input on something I've been wrestling with for some time. Is there a point when we are justified in limiting efforts to help others? What is the Biblical response we should adopt when our efforts either are rebuffed or are inadequate in the eyes of the ones we try to help?

I don't mean withdrawing prayer support or encouragement when needed or physical assistance when possible; but when advice or enlightenment about something is asked for repeatedly and then rejected when it's given, do we allow the person(s) to suffer through lessons they will never learn, to endure consequences they are unable to understand?

Beyond that, can we know if filling in missing gaps in another's knowledge is hurting or helping? Would doing so prompt them to forgive, help them draw closer to God, or cause deeper bitterness, give them more ammunition with which to wound each other?

I am not referring to bringing the message of salvation to others. I am talking about badly damaged Christians and, specifically, about the people closest to us — our families. Mine has a profoundly troubled past. Events since my father's passing triggered a re-examination of these questions and prompted me to seek counsel from you, my friends.

I thank you in advance for whatever advice you can give.

[duchessashley]

If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet when you leave that home or town. Matthew 10:14

[torainfor]

It sounds like you have a pretty balanced view of things. If they keep asking the same question, either keep giving them the same gentle answer. Or give them a "We've talked about this. I've given you my thoughts. What exactly are you asking?" Or change the subject.

"...can we know if filling in missing gaps in another's knowledge is hurting or helping?" This is more situation-based, I think. Are you talking about revealing previous actions of someone who's still around? Or someone who has passed on? What was that movie with Sandra Bullock? "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood." Mother and daughter have terrible relationship. Mother's friends kidnap daughter and finally explain: in order to break an addiction to be a better mother, she had been prescribed medication that basically gave her a mental illness.

If the person's still around, that's probably their own information to control--but that's a really sticky area. My sister has revealed things to me about our parents that have explained a lot and given me more empathy. On the other hand, sometimes what my husband tells me about his family makes me want to ban them from our lives! It really depends--both on the information and the listener's maturity. You have to rely on God's guidance.

[Spokane Flyboy]

Sometimes people are actually seeking affirmation and justification under the guise of asking for advice. I've had people ask my advice hoping that I'll simply tell them they're already in the right. Developing forbearance is about the only advice I can offer to you.

[tris]

One of the hardest things for any Christian to learn is that we can't fix anything....and that God can, and most often does, use failures to bring about His purposes in the life of the one suffering.

You've gotten some excellent advice from your Christiam family here, Metalikhan. Discernment comes with experience and that doesn't always work out well (in our eyes). I think of poor, spoiled rich Joseph, who was pretty worthless until God dropped him into slavery and prison. The man that came out was a result of his sufferings, not in spite of it.

Family situations are always sticking and the worse thing is when our family doesn't really want our help, just our approval for something they know is wrong. Gentleness, always, paired with truth, whether they want it or not. And sometimes no answer is best.

It all depends on how much you are willing to invest in terms of helping foster reconciliation and how much you're willing to suffer as a consequence. Proverbs has a nice little homily -- he who meddles in someone else's businnes is like a man who grabs a dog's ears. The dog is always gonna bite!

[metalikhan]

I want to thank everyone again for the excellent advice offered. Family issues are indeed sticky! Currently, both surviving sisters have disowned each other following a verbal brawl. I don't know details — and don't want to know! — but since my last trip down to help our mother, they know not to try to get me to take sides.

Proverbs has a nice little homily -- he who meddles in someone else's businnes is like a man who grabs a dog's ears. The dog is always gonna bite!

I had to smile when I read this verse. It is so true, but neither of my sisters need an excuse to bite when the mood strikes. All that's required is being in the same room with them. When their tempers are up over some real or imagined wound — past, present, or future — they are as gentle and tactful as two bulldozers with the engines stuck in hyperdrive.

torainfor said:

Are you talking about revealing previous actions of someone who's still around? Or someone who has passed on?

Both. To give an example, I am the only one in two generations that never got tangled up in any kind of substance abuse -- alcohol, drugs, or prescription. Some of the current problems did not begin with our parents and possibly goes back farther than even grandparents. (BTW,it was that multi-generational insight -- a gift from God for which I'm deeply thankful!-- that kept me from developing the bitterness that so overwhelms my sisters.)

What troubles me most is the effect all that has on our mother who is old, in very poor health, and still grieving. I know I can't fix any part of it any more than I can repair any of the past that led to it and fed it.

From your responses, I think the best I can do is trust the Holy Spirit's guidance to give me discernment to speak the words they need to hear — or keep silent — in His timing and leave the rest in God's hands.

Afterthought: I probably should've posted this in Prayer Requests. I would be most grateful for prayers of peace and healing for my remaining family.