Need feedback on...Phryilla

[dragonlots]

I’d love some feedback on ‘Phryilla’. I don’t know if I’m going to expand this into a novel or re-work it into a short story. Basically, I’m curious if a Christian Vampire story is something anyone would like to read.

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[dragonlots]

I’m guessing Phryilla isn’t of any interest to anyone since no one has left feedback. I’m guessing that means I should probably rework this one into a short story and market it that way. Besides, I really had no idea where to take this story anyway.

[metalikhan]

Not to despair, dragonlots. I think the timing has more to do with the lack of response than anything else, considering it's on the heels of a holiday weekend and a voting weekend in the MLPS forum.

I think Phryilla looks like a story worth investing some time in. The vampire MC rescuing the three children from other vampires was intriguing. Does the MC grow to love these mortal children? To what lengths will this saved vampire go to protect them? What inner struggles must the vampire contend with while dealing with outer threats and dangers at the same time?

On a practical note, I've learned that writing short stories, poems, songs, even excerpts from "history" texts set in the world you're building provides material later for giving more depth and texture to the world of your novel. Some are just good exersizes to flesh out the characters or settings; and some you will be able to integrate into the story. (BTW, correct the punctuation.)

Phryilla sounds interesting. Work with it a while.

[metalikhan]

Some are just good exersizes to flesh out the characters or settings; and some you will be able to integrate into the story. (BTW, correct the punctuation.)

And in the meantime, I'll correct my spelling.

"exercises"



End of communique. MK needs to recharge her battery.

[jfranklin]

Do you want feedback here or on a PM?

[dragonlots]

Here is fine. After college writing workshop critiques, I'm not too concerned about what folks will say.

[jfranklin]

Gotcha. Keep in mind, I am hoping I am not exposing too much of my ignorance, but ....

Logic Question: In this environment where humans are a dime a dozen and children worth even less; why did the MC take these on? Is it because the Spirit only moved him in this scenario? What about the other kids? You might consider expanding on the logic here as to why he doesn't get involved before.

Is the MC alien in looks as well? Would the kids be as accepting? Dunno.

MC is still a mystery to me, but you are just starting the story with plenty of time to elaborate on things like race perceptions, etc.

Question on the setting. I was unsure, but it seemed like you were going for a Victorian era meets "Firefly" type of thing. Was this the goal?

It is a good story and it kept me engaged to the end of your writing. This is a good thing. Unsure of the plot, though. You're setting it up, but I'm not sure where you can go from here.

I hope you see it through.

My apologies if I come off as crass. I wantto be honest while still respecting your effort. This was just my perceptions. I am use to working with HS kids (former English teacher now admin.) and am developing a critique group for our local young writers. The errors I am use to addressing are not ones I am seeing here and am looking for more of the logic faults/questions, character development, etc.

You may not be too concerned about what folks wil say, but I would hate to come off as pretentious. I am just a writer as well and I do not usually take myself too seriously. I'd even go so far as to suggest that you not take me too seriously, either. ;-P

Rock on!

JF

PS: This was posted in a rush so please forgive any typos.

[dragonlots]

jfranklin,

Actually, you asked some very good questions. Gave me some things to think about for possible future chapters or if I decide to rewrite this into a short story. This is a rough draft so I was expecting there to be flaws that could be fixed in later rewrites.

At the moment, I’m not sure what my vamp looks like. I’m waiting for the character to tell me. Originally, this was supposed to be set in my Five Systems/Border universe, but I’m thinking now maybe not, so I’ll have to do some world building. Although, it could be what happened in another solar system. Hmmm, that could work.

I also beta read/edit/mentor a lot of young writers although it’s mostly online. In some instances I’ve seen improvement, in others I’m still waiting. I’ve discovered it works best if you work on one aspect at time, and when they master that, you move on to the next. For instance, I have one writer who had POV problems. Last I got from her, she’d mastered that technique, so I’m going to work to get rid of American slang since it’s not appropriate for the universe she’s writing in. It took about a year to get to this point.

Another writer I’ve been working with has written a story I think she should submit. Not sure if she will, but I have an editor I contacted who’s willing to look at it.

Don’t worry about how you sound. You were a lot gentler than I am. I read most MS at about a pro editor level. I do warn anyone who wants to work with me that I’m hard and if they want ‘it’s a good story’ all the time I’m not the one who should read for them. So far, I haven’t had anyone duck for cover and run.

Thank you very much for the feedback.

metalikhan,

Thank you for your comments as well. Yeah, punctuation is still a weak point, but much better than it originally was. I have Cathy, my long time zine editor to thank for that.

You also raised some points I hadn’t thought about when I started writing this. If/when I continue this story I will certainly have a lot to figure out. Since I write ‘by the seat of my pants’, I usually wait for the character/story to lead and make those kinds of discoveries as I go.

As Cathy always says, the real writing is in the rewrite not the rough draft.

D