An Unusual Robbery (tentative title)

[waldenwriter]

So I finally got to writing the story that I posted the idea for here. I tentatively titled it "An Unusual Robbery" just so when I turned it in for class it would have a title, but I will probably change it.

Here is the story:

www.scribd.com/doc/54166526/LTWR-475-Writing-Project-3-Draft-2

My teacher really liked it and the only suggestion she made was to work on characterization. I know that is really hard to do in short stories, and especially so in my case since I'm more a novelist.

So I guess the big things I'm looking for feedback on are:

-A better title
-Characterization

We're supposed to bring the draft to revise in class tomorrow, so if you could provide feedback really quickly that would be great. I know it's short notice, but I thought I'd try to get feedback here anyway.

P.S. I also have my initial notes available online if you want to look at those - it may answer a lot of questions you might have about backstory and stuff. Here's that: www.scribd.com/doc/54166306/Sci-Fi-Story-Initial-Notes-LTWR-475-Writing-Project-3-Draft-2

[Christian Soldier]

Your story was a fun read and comical to boot. Biggest advise without doing a line by line, is that the transition to the "other side" is very fast, as it should be, but there is no warning, no mention of it before. So we just kind of... boom, there it is. Added an extra half page or so with that in there would make the story flow better, in my humble opinion, anyway

[waldenwriter]

Thanks for your feedback, Christian Soldier!

What exactly do you mean by adding more about the "other side?" Do you mean I should explain it more? Like before the transition to it?

While we're on the subject of Alesyar (as the other world is called), do you (or anyone else) have any advice on how to better characterize the two clerks from that side, Alain & Heather? They're the only characters whose POVs aren't shown in the story, and it seems like it would be hard to characterize them without anything from their POV.

****

Edit: We were told to revise our drafts in class yesterday. Here is my revised version, which will probably be revised again before my project packet is due next Friday:

www.scribd.com/doc/54297459/LTWR-475-Writing-Project-3-Draft-3

[Christian Soldier]

I'm not saying that you have to be obvious about it, but there should at least be a reference to this alternate world somewhere before you actually hit it. It could be anything, as long as it can tie into something later. Hmm.. maybe mentioning a drink from the other world or something. Like I said, it can be subtle or blatant, just so
long as it is there.

[waldenwriter]

May 1, 2011 11:29:26 GMT -5 Christian Soldier said:

I'm not saying that you have to be obvious about it, but there should at least be a reference to this alternate world somewhere before you actually hit it. It could be anything, as long as it can tie into something later. Hmm.. maybe mentioning a drink from the other world or something. Like I said, it can be subtle or blatant, just so
long as it is there.

Ok. I might be able to work that in. I did plant the rotary phone early on so I could reference it at the end when Josh calls Alain, though I realize now it would be weird for a rotary phone to even be present in 2350, let alone be the way of contacting a super-advanced world. But then Doctor Who travels around in an old-fashioned telephone booth. So maybe it works.

Maybe I can put a reference in when the phone is mentioned or right before you switch to Hal's POV. I guess I didn't reference the other world because I wanted there to be a bit of mystery to it. But maybe I can work in a subtle reference.