Opening Paragraph

[Kessie]

Your first sentence is the hook, the line that sells the book. Your first sentence doesn't grab me, and it puts the effect before the cause. "The droid's system rebooted, and his eyes opened. Gray, listless eyes."

Also you could cut some of the words.


Grey listless eyes flickered open as the droid’s system re-booted. A chill turned into a shiver as it crept up Freya’s spine. The droid looked like an ordinary man; large frame, a square jaw line, high cheek bones, or whatever the droid equivalent would be and a straight nose. He laid there stiff and unmoving. When his programming kicked in he would seem more human, his eyes would blink and his chest would rise and fall, but until then he would lie there, lifeless. Flickering images of bodies lying in the dirty streets of Kenkarah drifted to mind. Freya closed her eyes.

What does a massacre have to do with describing an android? That needs to go in a separate paragraph. Or work it in differently, like "This monster was responsible for the deaths of everyone she loved..." Or something, since I don't know your story. :-)

[rjj7]

That's some brutal pruning there, Kessie. Only the first and last sentences evaded the choppers. Though from my experience, that's often what early work needs; a lot of pruning.

I don't really have anything to say for myself. Hopefully there'll be other, more experienced anomalians who'll have better advice than I do.

[Kessie]

Yikes, I guess I should have explained what I was chopping and what. I was cutting out repetition and needless telling. The chill turning into a shiver--it's either a chill or a shiver. Both is too much.

He laid there stiff and unmoving--the description of him lying there lifeless describes this better.

He would seem more human--the description of his chest rising and falling is a better image of him seeming human. No need to tell us.

So, is this dude like the Terminator? :-)

[stormiel]

Wow... didn't realize it was that bad. Think I'll delete the post and go back to the drawing board lol.

[Kessie]

Oh, don't delete it! It's not that it's bad. Those are my suggestions, and you can take or leave whichever ones you like. I'm a brutal editor. :-p

[stormiel]

I could tell it was having trouble and I think you answered the questions that I needed. The droid isn't that important to the story. I was trying to come up with an interesting opening but that one's not working out. I think the further I get in the story the easier it will be to come back and work on the beginning, especially when I do my first editing sweep. I'm prone to redundancy and I'll be keeping an eye out for that and more telling as I go. I'm trying stop using shallow POV and hopefully that will eliminate some of the telling problems. Your first post had me running for cover lol but I needed that. Thanks

[Kessie]

Editing gets easier the more you do it. If you haven't read Self-Editing for Fiction Writers, see about picking it up! I got it from the library and immediately bought a copy. It's wonderful.

[Divides the Waters]

I heartily second Kessie's statement above (brilliant edit, by the way). I also recommend Getting the Words Right; it was the first book to help some of the rules I had already heard a million times "click" in this stubborn brain. Those two books are essential for those who take their writing seriously.

[newburydave]

A copy of Randy Ingermanson's "Fiction Writing for Dummies" might also help, along with Jeff Gerke's "Writing Christian Fiction".

Actually I think that Marcher Lord Press might have some Author's bundles on sale at package prices.

There is a lot of stuff that we need to internalize before it get's easier. I think that's what it means to "develop your own Authorial voice."

Keep banging away at the keyboard, practice and good critiques are the only way to make it.

Write on my Sister

SGD
dave

[stormiel]

Thanks Dave. I'm actually have read "Writing Christian Fiction" and I'm currently reading "Fiction Writing for Dummies" and a slew of other books lol. Some of them have totally conflicting info but at least I kinda am getting the idea of where to go with the opening