Your first sentence is the hook, the line that sells the book. Your first sentence doesn't grab me, and it puts the effect before the cause. "The droid's system rebooted, and his eyes opened. Gray, listless eyes."
Also you could cut some of the words.
Grey listless eyes flickered open as the droid’s system re-booted. A chill turned into a shiver as it crept up Freya’s spine. The droid looked like an ordinary man; large frame, a square jaw line, high cheek bones, or whatever the droid equivalent would be and a straight nose. He laid there stiff and unmoving. When his programming kicked in he would seem more human, his eyes would blink and his chest would rise and fall, but until then he would lie there, lifeless. Flickering images of bodies lying in the dirty streets of Kenkarah drifted to mind. Freya closed her eyes.
What does a massacre have to do with describing an android? That needs to go in a separate paragraph. Or work it in differently, like "This monster was responsible for the deaths of everyone she loved..." Or something, since I don't know your story. :-)
That's some brutal pruning there, Kessie. Only the first and last sentences evaded the choppers. Though from my experience, that's often what early work needs; a lot of pruning.
I don't really have anything to say for myself. Hopefully there'll be other, more experienced anomalians who'll have better advice than I do.
[i]"Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."[/i] ~ I Thessalonians 5:16-18[br][br]If a collection of unpronounceable letters and a number doesn't appeal to you, you may call me Randy[br][br]"The use of cliche is only a fault if it is to avoid creativity rather than prompt it." ~ Me
Yikes, I guess I should have explained what I was chopping and what. I was cutting out repetition and needless telling. The chill turning into a shiver--it's either a chill or a shiver. Both is too much.
He laid there stiff and unmoving--the description of him lying there lifeless describes this better.
He would seem more human--the description of his chest rising and falling is a better image of him seeming human. No need to tell us.
So, is this dude like the Terminator? :-)
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I could tell it was having trouble and I think you answered the questions that I needed. The droid isn't that important to the story. I was trying to come up with an interesting opening but that one's not working out. I think the further I get in the story the easier it will be to come back and work on the beginning, especially when I do my first editing sweep. I'm prone to redundancy and I'll be keeping an eye out for that and more telling as I go. I'm trying stop using shallow POV and hopefully that will eliminate some of the telling problems. Your first post had me running for cover lol but I needed that. Thanks
Post by Divides the Waters on Jan 26, 2013 7:37:52 GMT -5
I heartily second Kessie's statement above (brilliant edit, by the way). I also recommend Getting the Words Right; it was the first book to help some of the rules I had already heard a million times "click" in this stubborn brain. Those two books are essential for those who take their writing seriously.
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Thanks Dave. I'm actually have read "Writing Christian Fiction" and I'm currently reading "Fiction Writing for Dummies" and a slew of other books lol. Some of them have totally conflicting info but at least I kinda am getting the idea of where to go with the opening