Funny Dialogue, Exchanges, and One-Liners

[Kessie]

Hee hee, just ran across this one in a story I'm revising:

From across the hall, Carda called, "Who manufactures fetches, anyway?"
"Beats me," Indal called back. "They're considered fae, but that also includes angeli and demons. So take your pick."
"I just need to know which supernatural being is taking potshots at me. It'd better not be God, because if He's behind this, I'm screwed. Like, eternally."
"I think if God wanted you dead, you'd be dead."

[myrthman]

"Any gnome worth his salt always carries his own pepper mill." The other characters eye him suspiciously. The gnome looks at each of them and innocently says, "What?"

[This Baron of Mora]

"I always thought of air as free, then I purchased a bag of chips."

[myrthman]

Found an old WIP. This takes place on the bridge of damaged spaceship. Haab, the captain, is a mountain of a man who, due to recent events, has lost all his hair and had his skin bleached of all color. Xaber is the crew member revealed to be a spy for the galactic government.

---

“You're as cunning as you are deceptive.” Haab struck a friendly pose. “I want to do three things and I need your help with all of them. Then I'll kill you.”
“Not sure I like that deal. Besides, I'm the one with the gun.”
“'I'm the one with the gun',” he said mockingly. “When will you people ever learn that guns don't kill people?” He moved faster than Xaber thought possible for such a large man, grabbing the hand that held the gun. He loomed in close and she reeled at his fishy breath. “I kill people.” With a quick twist, he snapped her wrist. She cried out in pain and dropped her weapon. It clattered to the deck. “So, what'll it be? Die now or die later?”

[fluke]

Modern day setting. College senior Michael has recently been inducted into a secret chivalric society (they really are knights and ladies). He's a gamer and has been dropping game references the whole story.

Peter: Are you sure you can do this?
Michael: Are you kidding? Helen just kissed me! That's a +2 morale bonus right there. I so got this!

Michael struggled to his feet, holding his bleeding side.
"He should run," the Black Knight said. "Get as far away as he can."
"White Knights don't run," Michael said, shaking his head. He drew his sword and took a defensive stance.
The Black Knight laughed. "I shall now hear the new knight's battle cry. Will it be 'For honor'? Perhaps 'To the Death'? Or maybe 'In Helen's name'?"
"None of the above," Michael said and spat out a tooth. "Roll for initiative!"

[Bought In Blood]

Some of these are famous, but very funny anyway. I've made sure to cite credit where it is due.

“To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.”

“They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.”

“At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” - Ann Landers

“If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.”

“Make yourself at home… clean my kitchen.”

"Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you." -Tommy Smothers

“It’s strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'AAAAAGGHHHH!’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.” - Tommy Cooper

[This Baron of Mora]

"'But you must have some real names,' shrieked Inglewood in despair. 'You must call yourself something.'

'Call myself something,' thundered the obscure, shaking the tree so that all of its ten thousand leaves seemed to be talking at once. 'I call myself Roland Oliver Isaiah Charlemagne Arthur Hildebrand Homer Danton Michelangelo Shakespeare Brakespeare - '"

[Kessie]

"And that's when I turned into a rhinoceros."

[Bought In Blood]

B: If someone questions you, distract them from the original lie with more lies. Here, let me demonstrate: I own a pony. Ask me a question.

M: Okay. Um, what color is your pony?

B: Well, when I first got Dandelion she was a deep, chestnut brown, but, sadly, her stable is located near a chemical plant which contaminated the drinking water. So, over time, she's turned a sickly, grayish-white color and there's nothing the vet can do to fix her.

M: My Goodness, I'm . . . that's horrible! Is Dandelion going to be okay? (beat) Okay, all right, you are good. Dandelion's not even sick, is she?

[Torrias]

Freaked-Out Teen: I'm too young to die!!
Grouchy Old Man: I'm not! Still don't wanna!

I don't know why that made me laugh so hard and so long. I think it really was the timing and unexpected quality.

[fluke]

I wrote one of those lines I never thought I would write the other night. From "Fun and Games", one of my Joshua's Pawn Shop stories:

Joshua is on the phone when Harold comes in. "Don't cite the Old Magic to me, Nyarlathotep!"