Words from women

[Christian Soldier]

So yeah, I've had a few people, women actually, say this really odd thing. When talking to me face to face, they say, "I miss you" I didn't mean to, but the first time my wife said it to me like that, I lost it on her. Just back from deployment, it was like she was saying that she wishes that I was still deployed, because she wants that CS and not the one sitting there in the flesh, talking with her.

I asked her what she meant, and I never got an answer that makes sense. Any ideas?

[Teskas]

There have been studies, especially over the last 60 years, of the mental states of people who have been separated from their loved ones. For example, children who have been in the hospital and away from their parents and siblings, or wives separated from husbands who are sent overseas. Or husbands who have been through the wringer in a combat zone.

The main feature is something called "abandonment." The person holds up really well when he or she is separated from the loved-one, and then, when that loved-one is once again available, the person's strength crumbles. They have felt abandoned, and once the cause for the separation is gone, it is safe for them to express their anxiety and fear.

It manifests itself usually in two ways. Either the person is silent and wants to be alone, or contrary and prone to outbursts of anger. It is only a temporary state provided a person is willing to face his feelings.

Many adults are not aware that in a marriage the spouse is not only an equal, he or she also acts as a representative of a person's parent. So a person might unconsciously react to a spouse with an expectation they might more appropriately ask of a parent when they were younger.

A returning soldier might unconsciously be angry with his wife for not protecting him from danger, for not being there when he was hungry or tired--like his parents did when he was little. His wife might be angry because he didn't come through the door from the front line to help her with the kids, or the broken faucet--like her dad might have done. Just like a child who doesn't understand, our unconscious need for safety and security hi-jacks our ability to think clearly.

It may seem totally irrational, but it is the way people are made. What compounds it is that both of you have had to live for the last while, not as a couple, but as individuals. That can cause resentment when you have to work as a team again.

If you find this problem persists, get counseling. Don't let it fester because it can be easily remedied if addressed promptly. Try not to over-think this one, Glyn. A lot of service families share your experience.

[Christian Soldier]

I've had to informally counsel a lot of soldiers and spouses on this subject, just... none of them had ever reported hearing this. My wife still says it sometimes, but it's more random. She says that she's just being romantic.

Either way, I know that her intent wasn't to hurt me, or to injure my self-esteem in some way, so I managed to put my feelings aside and simply take it as some odd form of endearment.

[Kristen]

Teskas -- I'm glad you're here to provide such keen insight. I'm usually pretty good at figuring out what people *meant* to say, but this one is a little beyond me. It is an odd thing to say to someone who is with you at the moment. Maybe she means it as a short form of "I miss you when you're not with me, so I'm glad you're with me right now." Glyn, I'm glad you're able to accept it as a term of endearment, beacuse I think that's how she means it.

[Christian Soldier]

She specifically stated that she was trying to be romantic. So, sometimes, sometimes you just roll with it.

[Lady Rwebhu Kidh]

Maybe it means 'I miss you (when you're gone)', more as a static fact than a current mood. It's kind of difficult to think of the best way to say that...I've tried before.

[metalikhan]

I agree with what's been said thus far, particularly regarding issues involving people returning from deployments (saw glimpses of it in my family -- BIL was deployed multiple times, too).

But there may be an additional possibility. The busy-ness of life can make couples feel almost as isolated as actual physical separation. A hectic schedule, work/off hours out of synch with each other, tending to children, taking care of the thousands of big and little things to keep family and household running, obligations other than work and immediate family -- where does that leave time for dreaming, chatting, playing, and just hanging out with the best friend you married? In the struggle to handle everything else, it's too easy to take that one relationship for granted.
Sometimes I miss you means You're important to me and I need some best friend time with you.

[Christian Soldier]

That's what I'm talking about, MK! I think you nailed it on the head.