Post by ezlo on May 23, 2008 11:16:57 GMT -5
I have developed a pretty detailed overworld of my fantasy/sci-fi world for my book Epiphany, filled with continents and countries and cities. But, when I describe the simple places within the story, they seem to simply be blank slates.
I began going back through the first chapter and increasing my detail and description. In doing this, I have also been designing sets in my mind and on paper. Does anyone else have trouble with this?
Let me show you an example.
Original
The autumn of 1916 is when it all began. One of the Emperor's ships, namely the SS Hader, had broken down in a battle against some religious resistance in the Eui island chain. Sweat dripped from my forehead—repairing a boiler never took this long. You'd think Ferdka would be able to get rid of all the resistance, so I wouldn't have to do this anymore. I dropped the wrench and glanced over at Rush who sat on the cold steel floor trying to stay as cool as possible. His ears perked and he started growling. A voice reverberated throughout the iron. I shouted into the communication pipes saying that I would be out soon. A stern voice in broken Hebrew returned my call, “Yessah, have an impertant delivery fer ya.” Maybe I'd finally get that part I'd been waiting for. I could use a break anyway.
Revised
The autumn of 1916 is when it all began. One of the Emperor's ships, namely the SS Hader, had broken down in a battle against some religious resistance in the Eui island chain. On the eastern edge of Emeva in the Dark district, I was repairing the Hader. Only a few more turns. I laid on the hard iron floor underneath the large boiler. Sweat dripped from my forehead—repairing a boiler never took this long. You'd think Ferdka would be able to get rid of all the resistance, so I wouldn't have to do this anymore. I dropped the wrench and slid out from under the boiler. I sat up and looked around the dimly lit engine room. I glanced over at Rush who laid down, spread out on the cold iron floor trying to stay as cool as possible. His ears perked and he started growling. A voice reverberated throughout the iron. I leaned over towards the set of pipes that shot out of the wall just a few feet away from the boiler. I shouted into the communication pipes saying that I would be out soon. A stern voice in broken Hebrew returned my call, “Yessah, have an impertant delivery fer ya.” Maybe I'd finally get that part I'd been waiting for. I could use a break anyway.
Tell me what you think.
I began going back through the first chapter and increasing my detail and description. In doing this, I have also been designing sets in my mind and on paper. Does anyone else have trouble with this?
Let me show you an example.
Original
The autumn of 1916 is when it all began. One of the Emperor's ships, namely the SS Hader, had broken down in a battle against some religious resistance in the Eui island chain. Sweat dripped from my forehead—repairing a boiler never took this long. You'd think Ferdka would be able to get rid of all the resistance, so I wouldn't have to do this anymore. I dropped the wrench and glanced over at Rush who sat on the cold steel floor trying to stay as cool as possible. His ears perked and he started growling. A voice reverberated throughout the iron. I shouted into the communication pipes saying that I would be out soon. A stern voice in broken Hebrew returned my call, “Yessah, have an impertant delivery fer ya.” Maybe I'd finally get that part I'd been waiting for. I could use a break anyway.
Revised
The autumn of 1916 is when it all began. One of the Emperor's ships, namely the SS Hader, had broken down in a battle against some religious resistance in the Eui island chain. On the eastern edge of Emeva in the Dark district, I was repairing the Hader. Only a few more turns. I laid on the hard iron floor underneath the large boiler. Sweat dripped from my forehead—repairing a boiler never took this long. You'd think Ferdka would be able to get rid of all the resistance, so I wouldn't have to do this anymore. I dropped the wrench and slid out from under the boiler. I sat up and looked around the dimly lit engine room. I glanced over at Rush who laid down, spread out on the cold iron floor trying to stay as cool as possible. His ears perked and he started growling. A voice reverberated throughout the iron. I leaned over towards the set of pipes that shot out of the wall just a few feet away from the boiler. I shouted into the communication pipes saying that I would be out soon. A stern voice in broken Hebrew returned my call, “Yessah, have an impertant delivery fer ya.” Maybe I'd finally get that part I'd been waiting for. I could use a break anyway.
Tell me what you think.