The Prologue for a story I'm writing.....

[dizzyjam]

Here's the beginning of a prologue for a story I'm writing. This is a rough cut, so please, no criticisms on any grammer errors, I'll take care of those later. What I'm looking for from you readers out there is this: Is it readable? Is it believable? Are there any "hiccups" I need to take care of that pull you out of the story? Any errors that are blatant that need to be taken care of immediately? How are the descriptions of settings and characters? Things like that. That and are you wanting more? Positive comments are just as welcome as those with constructive criticism. There's no title right now. And even though it doesn't start out like a spec-fic novel, about half way through the novel itself it will take a drastic turn toward spec-fic with all the right foreshadowing put into place beforehand. Hope you like what you read here. So, let me know what you think.

BEGIN

It had been a long trip and Keith Williams was ready for a night in a motel room before meeting with the real estate lady the next day. When 985 turned into 365 he knew he was almost there. The sun was still in the sky, but it was past seven in the evening and Keith knew he needed some rest. He was hoping that his reservation at the Holiday Inn would turn out to be worth the eighty-nine bucks he held on his credit card to get the reservation in the first place. Money was tight right now and he didn’t want to risk catching some disease in a local motel that might not be all it said, so he had placed the reservation with a known chain in the county just outside of where he would be looking at the house in order to ensure a good night’s rest and no problems with “residents”.

A red light came up in the highway and he put on the brakes to stop. In Northeast
Georgia it was the strangest thing he had seen on the whole trip, traffic lights in the middle of a super highway and the highway not even passing through a big city.

I guess I’ll have to get used to it if I’m going to live up here. He shook his head as he pushed the gas pedal after the light turned green. Before long, the first exit passes that he’s seen since Gainesville and he knew he would be close to setting his head down to sleep. Then less than a minute later he saw the exit he needed and flipped his turn signal on to take a right.

He drove up the ramp and made a right and then another right immediately after that to enter the parking lot of the motel. He spotted a few empty spaces and parked where he can have some room to maneuver, turned the car off and got out to go inside. He spotted his reflection in his window for a moment and saw something on his face. He reached up with fingers that had black nail polish on them to wipe at his chin below where he had his lip pierced. Something left over from a quick trip to McDonald’s earlier he couldn’t feel. Red. Must have been ketchup.

Satisfied he got everything off his face he glanced down at his black leather jacket and Distortion shirt underneath and his black pants with the boots sticking out from the bottom. Steel tipped. He brushed a few crumbs from his shirt and jacket being careful not to get them on his pants or boots. Then with the job complete, he walked across the parking lot to the entrance of the motel.

A young lady at the desk looked up from what she was doing and stopped instantly. “Hello, is there something I can help you with?” She sounded more like she didn’t want to help him than did.

Yeah, you can start by showing me where the cliff is so I can push your smug butt off of it. Smirking, he responded, “Yeah, I got a room reserved under the name Williams.”

The look she gave was doubtful. She turned to the screen and punched in the name and said, “Keith?” rather doubtfully.

“That’s me. Need to see my ID?” he said it sarcastically, but he knew he needed to show his ID and credit card because the guy on the phone had said so.

He was pulling out his wallet when she said, “Yes, as a matter of fact I need to see that and the credit card you are using for the reservation.” She still had the air about her that she was hoping this was going to end very soon and he would leave.

“Here you go.” He handed her the two pieces she needed and watched as her brow scrunched up while looking at them and comparing the number on the screen in front of her. She punches a few buttons and a printout comes out. She rips it off.

“If you could sign here please.” She puts a pen on top of the paper.

Keith brushes it off producing his own pen. He signs and she says, “Room 124 is down that hall there. Have a wonderful stay while you’re here. Call room service if you need anything.” She holds out the key.

“What I could use is a good meal before going to bed. Got any suggestions?”

“Well, there’s a Longhorn across the bridge.”

“Too expensive for me.” He leans against the counter and takes the key from her.

She points behind her. “Over here is a little strip with a Mexican restaurant at the end that’s reasonably priced, if you like Mexican food that is.”

“I love Mexican food. Thanks for the recommendation.”

“No problem.”

He walks away to go down the hall.

* * * * * * * * *

Keith entered his room and looked around to see if there was any immediate need. Everything seemed to be in order, so he exited to go see about this Mexican restaurant. He decided to walk since the strip was right next-door and he had been driving all day. The strip had a little lunch place at one end, a Christian bookstore, and the Mexican restaurant at the other end. He walked until he got to the Mexican restaurant, but he noted the hours of operation for the bookstore. Even before entering the doors he could smell the food and knew he was at the right place.

After standing around for a while, he is approached by the host who says, “Are you needing a table?”

“Yes, I am.” Keith responded.

“Just sit where you can find a free table, it’s slowing down right now.”

So Keith looked at the tables and booths in the section to the left of the checkout counter and picked the first one on the right close to the exit. Before long chips and salsa was on his table. He took a moment to bow his head in reverence over the food and started dipping his chips. Another moment he’s ordering two very cheesy quesadillas with chicken, tomatoes, onions and guacamole.

Then the old man approached him. He used a wooden curved cane to walk with and had a cap on with the bill up to see his face where he wore bifocal glasses and below had a plaid shirt on underneath his overalls. He had a lot of wrinkles in his face with an open smile that somehow put Keith at ease over this man approaching him.

“I don’t want to disturb your meal, but can an old man sit down for a moment while he asks you a question?”

Keith indicates with his head. “It’s a free country.”

“Thank you.” The old man sat down across from him and put his cane beside his seat. “It’s not that often I see people dressed such as you are bowing their heads. Were you praying?”

Now Keith felt uncomfortable. “Isn’t that personal?”

“Sure, sure, but it’s important too. So were you?”

Keith decided to see what the old man was after. “Yes, I was.”

“Whom were you praying to?”

“God, who else?” Keith was beginning to get annoyed, but he felt he shouldn’t be rude to the old guy, cause he might have Alzheimer’s or something and the son or daughter might come along at any moment and escort grandpa away from the latest person he’s bugging.

“Who else indeed. But which God? Do you pray to Buddha? Krishna? Who do you pray to?”

Keith was amazed at the bluntness of this man. He wasn’t sure if this guy was serious or challenged as he had first thought. If he was serious, then this might turn into a discussion Keith would rather avoid, but how to get out of it without being rude? If the man were sick, he wouldn’t want to have been nasty to him just because of that. So Keith decided to keep going along until he decided he wouldn’t like this conversation anymore.

“I pray to Jesus. Does that satisfy you?”

Nodding his head the old man smiled. “It sure does. Where you from? I ain’t never seen you ‘round here before.”

Relieved the conversation took another turn, Keith said, “I just came up from Florida. I’m going over to Chasky County tomorrow to look at a house I want to purchase.” Now why did I say that part for? Keith thought.

The old man got a look on his face Keith didn’t understand. “Chasky, huh?” He paused. “I had a friend once who went there and was changed somehow. I can’t say Chasky’s a bad place because of it, but I wouldn’t live there right now. What brings you to Chasky?”

The food arrived at that moment and Keith took a bite before responding. He decided this man might have something to tell him, so he figured he better keep the conversation going after all. Swallowing, he then said, “We’re planning on moving up here and letting our Florida home be our vacation home. I need a new place to be after my band broke up so that I can concentrate on my own music. What’s wrong with Chasky? Is there something I should know about?”

“Is that shirt from your band?” the old man totally ignored his question.

Keith blinked. “Very perceptive. Yes, Distortion was my band. We broke up after I and the keyboardist became Christians. What about Chasky?”

The old man was either not listening or was toying with him for he said, “You like family owned restaurants like this?”

“Yes.” Keith took another bite of food.

The old man leaned forward with his smile. “Then let me recommend a place to eat tomorrow morning in Chasky for you. Go eat at Dina’s Diner for breakfast before you meet your real estate agent. There’s some real good food there.”

“I’ll do that.”

“Well, son. It was good talking with you. I got to get home now. I eat here often, so if you move up here and like the food as I do, come back and we’ll talk again.” The old man positioned his cane and stood up.

“Okay, maybe we will.”

“Be safe tomorrow. Goodbye for now.” The old man walked off with his scuffed up brown boots protecting his feet.

The man had been gone for about a minute when Keith choked on a bite as he realized that he never actually told the man he was meeting a real estate agent.

* * * * * * * * *

Keith left the biggest tip he could afford and went to the register to pay the cashier. After waiting in line he paid and exited the building. He walked back to the motel and noticed the sun setting in front of him.

What was he talking about with warning me of Chasky County, but not telling me why I should be safe? Probably just some kooky old guy that likes to scare people. Yet, Keith remembered the genuine smile and wondered at that assessment.

He stopped at his car to get his luggage and rolled it to the door and went inside. He went to his room and closed the door behind him. He unzipped his bag and took out what he needed and went to take a shower. After a hot shower he put on his bed clothes and turned off the lights.

The next morning he would have forgotten all about the warning of Chasky County, but he would remember to go to Dina’s Diner.

END

Thank you for reading it. So how is it so far? Please, I seek constructive criticism and positive comments only. If you don't like it, just say so and leave it at that. Keep your negativity to yourself.

[seraphim]

First impressions: First paragraph wanders off the reservation with too much exposition. Setting is a little confusing at first. Might help to establish POV character in the car in the first sentence. Too many soft inactive verbs "sun was still in the sky" "red light came up", etc. More descriptive verbs could help set mood/atmosphere. Need more solid descriptors and less activity labeling. For example, near the end it says: "Keith left the biggest tip he could afford and went to the register to pay the cashier".... As a reader I can't see, hear, or connect with "biggest he could afford" in the abstract...I could connect with the plink and clatter of two quarters bouncing against the edge of a dinner plate. I could see two crumpled dollar bills anchored under the unused butter knife. And again with the "went up to the cashier" you could get more out of it to tell/show just how he did that. Since the next sentence shows him waiting in the cashier's line why even bother to say he went to the cashier prior...let this say it.

In short I think you need too look for more engaging detail and more descriptive verb choices, and tighten the action...cut out the "butt" shots...if characters are leaving there's not much gained by showing the door closing behind them as a rule....or any equivalent dead action.

Just my thoughts...what doesn't work ignore.

[dizzyjam]

Thank you Seraphim. Constructive Criticism without negativity is exactly what I need. I'll consider what you've said and decide upon each suggestion. Interesting use of the term "butt shots". Normally reserved for Thespians, I found it intriguing, but I'm still not sure I understood what you meant by it, so could you quote me and then let me know how it's a "butt shot", so that I can see it from your viewpoint. I sure don't want to have those in my story if I can avoid them. Perhaps some other people on here can let me know if they agree with you on the points you brought up. It will certainly help me in writing this. Thanks once again.

[seraphim]

A butt shot is a term from movie editing. Remember old movies from the 30s and 40s. When someone had to go somewhere as often as not you saw them head out the door with it closing behind them, a butt shot. Later film editors figured out this was a superfluous shot. What had to be established was that they had to go somewhere, from the "let's go" they could cut to the place they were going with no butt shots or taxi rides inbetween. The application in this case is extraneous action that does not advance the plot.

In the example I gave I noted your character put a tip on the table, then you said he headed to the cashier, then in the next sentence you have him standing in line, presumably less than 20' away from where he dropped his tip. So, if his having to wait in line is important, then just cut from the table to the cashier line, no need to say he was going there...especially when his going was just a passive description.

These are the kinds of things that can be trimmed and condensed. It also forces you to find words that convey either directly or by implication all the action in those sentences and phrases you cut out as superfluous.

Consider a similar problem in this passage from mid-story plus you will note how you changed narrative tenses out of the blue:

“Here you go.” He handed her the two pieces she needed and watched as her brow scrunched up while looking at them and comparing the number on the screen in front of her. She punches a few buttons and a printout comes out. She rips it off.

“If you could sign here please.” She puts a pen on top of the paper.

You have him watching an action and mentally describing it when you could cut out the dead words as in this example edit:

“Here you go.” He handed her the ID and credit card. Her brows scrunched together while comparing the card's numbers to the information on her screen. She punched a few buttons. A printer whirred and she ripped off a preforated form and handed it to him.

“If you could sign here please.” She laid a pen on top of the form." end edit.

Do note there is an incongruity here....if she "hands" him the form, how does she then lay a pen upon it unless it is not in his hands at all but rather on the desk before him not yet taken in hand as it were.

[dizzyjam]

Jan 5, 2009 16:03:14 GMT -5 seraphim said:

A butt shot is a term from movie editing. Remember old movies from the 30s and 40s. When someone had to go somewhere as often as not you saw them head out the door with it closing behind them, a butt shot. Later film editors figured out this was a superfluous shot. What had to be established was that they had to go somewhere, from the "let's go" they could cut to the place they were going with no butt shots or taxi rides inbetween. The application in this case is extraneous action that does not advance the plot.

Yes, as I mentioned I'm familiar with the original application of "Butt Shot" as it started in the theatre even before movies were invented. But perhaps others reading this wouldn't have known that information, so I also appreciate the added info on how it applied in movies.

Jan 5, 2009 16:03:14 GMT -5 seraphim said:

In the example I gave I noted your character put a tip on the table, then you said he headed to the cashier, then in the next sentence you have him standing in line, presumably less than 20' away from where he dropped his tip. So, if his having to wait in line is important, then just cut from the table to the cashier line, no need to say he was going there...especially when his going was just a passive description.

These are the kinds of things that can be trimmed and condensed. It also forces you to find words that convey either directly or by implication all the action in those sentences and phrases you cut out as superfluous.

I see what you mean. I suppose what I took to be continuous motion could be considered unnecessary wording for the story. I'll see about keeping my eye out for such things in the future of my writing. Perhaps I should also see about describing it more interestingly. I'll think on this.

Jan 5, 2009 16:03:14 GMT -5 seraphim said:

Consider a similar problem in this passage from mid-story plus you will note how you changed narrative tenses out of the blue:

“Here you go.” He handed her the two pieces she needed and watched as her brow scrunched up while looking at them and comparing the number on the screen in front of her. She punches a few buttons and a printout comes out. She rips it off.

“If you could sign here please.” She puts a pen on top of the paper.

That's one of those grammar things I talked about that I would correct later. Nevertheless, thanks for the example below:

Jan 5, 2009 16:03:14 GMT -5 seraphim said:

You have him watching an action and mentally describing it when you could cut out the dead words as in this example edit:

“Here you go.” He handed her the ID and credit card. Her brows scrunched together while comparing the card's numbers to the information on her screen. She punched a few buttons. A printer whirred and she ripped off a preforated form and handed it to him.

“If you could sign here please.” She laid a pen on top of the form." end edit.

Do note there is an incongruity here....if she "hands" him the form, how does she then lay a pen upon it unless it is not in his hands at all but rather on the desk before him not yet taken in hand as it were.

Oh, yes. The incongruity that you wrote in. I always intended it to be on the counter, but I should probably make that more clear in my text. Thank you for pointing that out. Also, I intended for us to realize he was actually watching her instead of just telling the reader what she was doing. I could be doing it outside the norm, but it's the way it seemed right to me. He was watching her because he tends to stand in judgement over those who he senses are standing in judgement over him. Whether he gets over that or not will even be something I discover as the story unfolds itself. If I wasn't intending it that way though, I would probably use the suggestion. Out of curiousity, other than the things you've pointed out, how does the flow go and does it make you want more? I'm curious about your take on that. Anything else you see I need to work on is welcome as well.

[seraphim]

Out of curiousity, other than the things you've pointed out, how does the flow go and does it make you want more? I'm curious about your take on that. Anything else you see I need to work on is welcome as well.

I think your general premise is sound so far as it has been developed, and I think the intimation of problems for the MC's new home is appropriate. Beyond that I am afraid I must be a killjoy. I don't think this portion was quite ready for public comment.

Leaving alone grammar issues and the extraneous flat description I've already mentioned there were three other glaring issues that kept kicking me out of the story: 1) Wrong worditus, the most egregeous example being the passage "The old man walked off with his scuffed up brown boots protecting his feet." I'm sure the intent was to describe the old man, but the effect was almost a spit-take. First, if the man is wearing shoes, of course he will walk off with them...too obvious. Granted you could have hung a glowstick on that point on purpose...but there is no payoff for the observation. However it is the detail 'protecting' that dismays...it suffers on several levels; were the old man's feet in danger? Why not mention his socks protecting from his shoes? Observing that he wore scuffed up shoes is one thing...but what purpose does the word choice 'protecting' serve? And if that were not sufficient...the word leans to the emotionally sterile and has a bland non-specificity about it like generic "going". It's not the right word at all. Mark Twain said the difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightening and a lightening bug.

2) The piece also suffers from what I call "letter from camp" syndrome...you know the one where everyone and everything is fine. The writer is fine, the bunks are fine, the food is fine, the crafts and games are fine...all in all a fine time. More specifically it is a matter of weak repetition. You use multiples of key words together in ways where they rob one another rather than reinforce one another. For example, you wrote, "The strip had a little lunch place at one end, a Christian bookstore, and the Mexican restaurant at the other end. He walked until he got to the Mexican restaurant." He had just talked to the hotel clerk about this Mexican restaurant and been asked if he liked Mexican food, and now he heads over to the Mexican restaurant pauses to ponder the Christian bookstore then continues on to the Mexican restaurant. How many times do you need to say Mexican in these short few sentences? Now if you were repeating so as to emphasize "Mexican" (of the Mexicans, by the Mexicans, and for the Mexicans) you could find (as in the Gettysburg Address) a way to get the cadence of the sentences to work with you to underscore your point. But here it is an important detail only once, not several times. So find and correct instances of weak repetition in order to strengthen the story. Eighty percent of the time it is the first itteration that is the power leech and thus the one that needs editing out. In this instance however I think the leech belongs to the other 20%.

Here's another instance of the same problem: "Are you needing a table?”

'Yes, I am.' Keith responded.

“Just sit where you can find a free table,"

See how the second table sounds flat in the reading. It has either lost power or is robbing power. The fix is to have the waitress ask if he needs to be seated (or something of that nature), or the waitress needs to reply in the pronominative ("sit where you can find one free." that way table is not weakly repeated. It's all about the euphony.

3) Finally, Man in the Mirror Syndrome. The self appraisal in the mirror thing is a cheap shortcut. It screams unkind things about one's writerly aspirations. If you read fiction how tos and how to nots, the pause in the mirror is very often in the list of the don'ts and with very good reason...it is essentially dead exposition. It stops the action cold. You did handle it better than many do, actually giving him a real reason to check the mirror; but it was not enough of a reason. Personally, I thought it might be better to save the detail about the black nails till he got to the hotel cashier. That way you have a reason for him to watch her...her eyes as they rest briefly on his buffed black nails and paused every so slightly and coldly at the sight of his lip ring. Something like this allows both your character to be described and you gain tightly connected insight into the stand-offish nature of the clerk...and with no need for catsup or a mirror.

Sorry to be such a downer but if there is anything I've learned about writing is when I ask for a critique I'm not fishing for complements....I want to see blood in the water and circling sharks. A polite pat on the back critique to me is worse than useless, it is almost insulting since it presupposes I want my ego stroked and not my writing to get better...and it can't get better unless I have honest, even ruthless feedback about what doesn't work...what can't fend off the sharks.

[dizzyjam]

Actually, I appreciate everything you said, Seraphim. I'm not afraid of honest criticism. It's just that I've found when dealing with others in the same field, unless it's explicitly stated, the criticism can get quite negative instead of constructive. Everything you had to say you offered a suggestion about and therefore it was designed to build up and not tear down. It was positive and not negative. If all you did was say, "This is wrong, that is wrong. Oh, and this over here? Puh-lease! Are you sure you should even be writing?" then I wouldn't even bother with a reply to you. It's negative in nature and isn't what constructive criticism is all about. Hope that helps you understand why I stated things the way I did at first

I'm not looking for a pat on the back and yesmen. I'm looking for honest criticism that shows me what's wrong, what's right, and how to fix what's wrong. So far you've been great with letting me know what's wrong and suggesting what to do about it. I appreciate it. So let's look at what you said, shall we?

Jan 6, 2009 17:58:46 GMT -5 seraphim said:

Out of curiousity, other than the things you've pointed out, how does the flow go and does it make you want more? I'm curious about your take on that. Anything else you see I need to work on is welcome as well.

I think your general premise is sound so far as it has been developed, and I think the intimation of problems for the MC's new home is appropriate. Beyond that I am afraid I must be a killjoy. I don't think this portion was quite ready for public comment.

That's okay. I mentioned it was a rough cut. I'm really not concerned about it, but thank you for saying so. It'll give me a little bit more to work with before I put my next thing up in the future.

Leaving alone grammar issues and the extraneous flat description I've already mentioned there were three other glaring issues that kept kicking me out of the story: 1) Wrong worditus, the most egregeous example being the passage "The old man walked off with his scuffed up brown boots protecting his feet." I'm sure the intent was to describe the old man, but the effect was almost a spit-take. First, if the man is wearing shoes, of course he will walk off with them...too obvious. Granted you could have hung a glowstick on that point on purpose...but there is no payoff for the observation. However it is the detail 'protecting' that dismays...it suffers on several levels; were the old man's feet in danger? Why not mention his socks protecting from his shoes? Observing that he wore scuffed up shoes is one thing...but what purpose does the word choice 'protecting' serve? And if that were not sufficient...the word leans to the emotionally sterile and has a bland non-specificity about it like generic "going". It's not the right word at all. Mark Twain said the difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightening and a lightening bug.

I believe I remembered having a reason for it, but you're right, it should be reworded. As I write more of the story I'll see if it's even needed there or not. Thank you.

2) The piece also suffers from what I call "letter from camp" syndrome...you know the one where everyone and everything is fine. The writer is fine, the bunks are fine, the food is fine, the crafts and games are fine...all in all a fine time. More specifically it is a matter of weak repetition. You use multiples of key words together in ways where they rob one another rather than reinforce one another. For example, you wrote, "The strip had a little lunch place at one end, a Christian bookstore, and the Mexican restaurant at the other end. He walked until he got to the Mexican restaurant." He had just talked to the hotel clerk about this Mexican restaurant and been asked if he liked Mexican food, and now he heads over to the Mexican restaurant pauses to ponder the Christian bookstore then continues on to the Mexican restaurant. How many times do you need to say Mexican in these short few sentences? Now if you were repeating so as to emphasize "Mexican" (of the Mexicans, by the Mexicans, and for the Mexicans) you could find (as in the Gettysburg Address) a way to get the cadence of the sentences to work with you to underscore your point. But here it is an important detail only once, not several times. So find and correct instances of weak repetition in order to strengthen the story. Eighty percent of the time it is the first itteration that is the power leech and thus the one that needs editing out. In this instance however I think the leech belongs to the other 20%.

Again, you're right. I overused the word "Mexican" there. As far as everything being nice? This isn't all of the Prologue. Just keep reading it as I post (I've decided I'll put some more up) and you'll see that not everything is "nice". Plus even though some things may seem "nice", doesn't mean they stay that way. My objective in the prologue is to have a necessary action take place while I paint a picture of the scene that the rest of the story will take place in. It may be "nicer" than the rest of the story, but there's a reason for it.

Here's another instance of the same problem: "Are you needing a table?”

'Yes, I am.' Keith responded.

“Just sit where you can find a free table,"

See how the second table sounds flat in the reading. It has either lost power or is robbing power. The fix is to have the waitress ask if he needs to be seated (or something of that nature), or the waitress needs to reply in the pronominative ("sit where you can find one free." that way table is not weakly repeated. It's all about the euphony.

I'm actually describing a real restaurant and that's how they approach you there. I'll change it for the story since you mentioned it though.

3) Finally, Man in the Mirror Syndrome. The self appraisal in the mirror thing is a cheap shortcut. It screams unkind things about one's writerly aspirations. If you read fiction how tos and how to nots, the pause in the mirror is very often in the list of the don'ts and with very good reason...it is essentially dead exposition. It stops the action cold. You did handle it better than many do, actually giving him a real reason to check the mirror; but it was not enough of a reason. Personally, I thought it might be better to save the detail about the black nails till he got to the hotel cashier. That way you have a reason for him to watch her...her eyes as they rest briefly on his buffed black nails and paused every so slightly and coldly at the sight of his lip ring. Something like this allows both your character to be described and you gain tightly connected insight into the stand-offish nature of the clerk...and with no need for catsup or a mirror.

I had read about reasons to do this and ways not to, and figured I'd go for it. I'll still use what I need to for the ketchup, but work the rest in later. The problem with using the lady at the counter is a possible switch on POV that I don't want happening. "He sees that she saw" also sounds almost redundant or just drag on. I'll see what I can do.

Sorry to be such a downer but if there is anything I've learned about writing is when I ask for a critique I'm not fishing for complements....I want to see blood in the water and circling sharks. A polite pat on the back critique to me is worse than useless, it is almost insulting since it presupposes I want my ego stroked and not my writing to get better...and it can't get better unless I have honest, even ruthless feedback about what doesn't work...what can't fend off the sharks.

Since I've responded to this part up top, I'll just leave it at that and post.

[metalikhan]

First of all, I did find the story drew me in, wondering what the MC would be facing in Chasky County. The conversation with the old man is especially compelling; and I like how he dodges direct questions about the place. Makes me wonder if Chasky is haunted, inhabited by demons, controlled by vampires (this last because the "red" Keith wipes away could be blood rather than catsup). Or perhaps a Georgia version of Stepford, a county-sized Hotel California? Something about Chasky makes me anticipate that the county itself is a character.

There is also something compelling about the dichotomy in Keith's personality. He claims to be a Christian but inner thoughts and behaviors (such as sarcasm toward the clerk) reflect little spiritual renewal. Is he a Christian in name only? Is his conversion so recent he hasn't matured? Is his Christianity so permeated by the American culture (or the sub-culture of punk rock bands) that he doesn't see anything amiss in his attitudes? Is he heading for a spiritual warfare confrontation in Chasky that will challenge his belief or faith?

This almost reads like the beginning of a first chapter rather than a prologue. I don't, of course, know what comes next. Perhaps Keith isn't even the MC — I think I confused a few folks with the prologue I posted — or perhaps the core of the story picks up sometime after Keith buys the property.

Some of what follows is part of the tightening, tweaking, & tuning that comes after the first draft. Some may be the grammatical things you plan to change anyway; some would not cause an alert by a grammar checker but can be sharpened. The main thing is to get the story down! You can do cosmetic surgery later.

"He was hoping that his reservation at the Holiday Inn would turn out to be worth the eighty-nine bucks he held on his credit card to get the reservation in the first place."
This can be tightened:
"He hoped his reservation at the Holiday Inn proved worth the eighty-nine bucks he held on his credit card."

"Then less than a minute later..."
"Then with the job complete..."
"So Keith looked at the tables..."
"So Keith decided..."
Drop "so" & "then" at the beginning of your sentences. "So" indicates consequence, which unnecessarily duplicates the indication that Keith had a decision to make. "Then" indicates what comes next in a sequence, but the following clauses also indicate next.

"When 985 turned into 365 he knew he was almost there. The sun was still in the sky, but it was past seven in the evening and Keith knew he needed some rest"
"Before long, the first exit passes that he’s seen since Gainesville and he knew he would be close to setting his head down to sleep."
Another word "hiccup" (one I have trouble with) is stating the character "knew" this or "knew" that. Too often, it's just filler words that weaken the sentence. Test your sentence without it to see if it improves the sentence, if it pulls you more directly into the character's thoughts.

"He used a wooden curved cane to walk with..." could be strengthened by rearranging & using different verbs.
"He leaned heavily/lightly on a wooden curved cane as he walked." or "He walked, leaning on a wooden curved cane." I mention this to suggest finding a more descriptive verb than "used"; and rearranging does away with the ending preposition in that part of the sentence.

"He stopped at his car to get his luggage and rolled it to the door and went inside. He went to his room and closed the door behind him. He unzipped his bag and took out what he needed and went to take a shower. After a hot shower he put on his bed clothes and turned off the lights." "Butt shots" need not be deleted if this activity can also be used to show what's happening internally — weariness from travel, drowsiness from a full belly, etc.

"The next morning he would have forgotten all about the warning of Chasky County, but he would remember to go to Dina’s Diner." The POV break here can be considered jarring. Personally, I'm from a generation & reading background that has no problem with 3rd person, limited omniscient; but fashions change. What I find more story-stopping than the POV break is the ambiguity in the prediction. I read the sentence three times trying to get the sense of it.

The first reading, I understood the sentence to mean that the memory of the diner brought back the memory of the warning which he otherwise would have forgotten. No, gal, read it again. Maybe it means he remembered the diner but forgot the warning. Maybe. Okay, read it again.

A suggestion which might help solve several things at once: In the "butt shot", you can show Keith's weariness as he returns to his motel. Perhaps he jots the name of the diner on the back of a motel business card. In the morning, he sees the card on the night stand. Oh, yeah — some old guy recommended the place. He stares at the name of the diner, he's vaguely uneasy but anything else the old guy said is gone. Keith shrugs, maybe he was just too tired last night and the encounter too brief. Doddery old fart. Whatever else he said must not have been that important.

A sequence like that pulls you back into Keith's POV and makes the "butt shot" more than just an activity record. It shows him remembering the diner, forgetting the warning.

Aside from the rest, I have to admit I like stories and novels in the present tense if they're done well. I know the standard is to write in past tense; but present tense gives immediacy to the story that doesn't happen with past tense. Either way, make your words work — a tip from my poetry writing days. Make them earn their places in the sentences.

[dizzyjam]

Ask and ye shall receive, Heh-heh:

Jan 7, 2009 2:27:47 GMT -5 metalikhan said:

First of all, I did find the story drew me in, wondering what the MC would be facing in Chasky County. The conversation with the old man is especially compelling; and I like how he dodges direct questions about the place. Makes me wonder if Chasky is haunted, inhabited by demons, controlled by vampires (this last because the "red" Keith wipes away could be blood rather than catsup). Or perhaps a Georgia version of Stepford, a county-sized Hotel California? Something about Chasky makes me anticipate that the county itself is a character.

I won't tell much now, but let me say that you're both right and wrong.

Jan 7, 2009 2:27:47 GMT -5 metalikhan said:

There is also something compelling about the dichotomy in Keith's personality. He claims to be a Christian but inner thoughts and behaviors (such as sarcasm toward the clerk) reflect little spiritual renewal. Is he a Christian in name only? Is his conversion so recent he hasn't matured? Is his Christianity so permeated by the American culture (or the sub-culture of punk rock bands) that he doesn't see anything amiss in his attitudes? Is he heading for a spiritual warfare confrontation in Chasky that will challenge his belief or faith?

It will be revealed more in the Prologue the reality of Keith's faith, but specifically in Chapter One the length of time he had been a Christian. Don't forget about Peter and Matthew.

Jan 7, 2009 2:27:47 GMT -5 metalikhan said:

This almost reads like the beginning of a first chapter rather than a prologue. I don't, of course, know what comes next. Perhaps Keith isn't even the MC — I think I confused a few folks with the prologue I posted — or perhaps the core of the story picks up sometime after Keith buys the property.

Depending on what you expect from a prologue you might think that. As I've stated, this isn't the entire Prologue. My hope is that once the entire text is written and read the reader can see how this certainly was the Prologue of the book even if the length and initial feel was more like a Chapter. And Keith is the MC.

Jan 7, 2009 2:27:47 GMT -5 metalikhan said:

Some of what follows is part of the tightening, tweaking, & tuning that comes after the first draft. Some may be the grammatical things you plan to change anyway; some would not cause an alert by a grammar checker but can be sharpened. The main thing is to get the story down! You can do cosmetic surgery later.

Which is why I intend to use Jeff's services once I am finished. I just figured I'd post a little bit here first to get an idea of my more major problems. Let's delve into what you spotted.

Jan 7, 2009 2:27:47 GMT -5 metalikhan said:

"He was hoping that his reservation at the Holiday Inn would turn out to be worth the eighty-nine bucks he held on his credit card to get the reservation in the first place."
This can be tightened:
"He hoped his reservation at the Holiday Inn proved worth the eighty-nine bucks he held on his credit card."

I like it. I'll make the change in my manuscript.

Jan 7, 2009 2:27:47 GMT -5 metalikhan said:

"Then less than a minute later..."
"Then with the job complete..."
"So Keith looked at the tables..."
"So Keith decided..."
Drop "so" & "then" at the beginning of your sentences. "So" indicates consequence, which unnecessarily duplicates the indication that Keith had a decision to make. "Then" indicates what comes next in a sequence, but the following clauses also indicate next.

"When 985 turned into 365 he knew he was almost there. The sun was still in the sky, but it was past seven in the evening and Keith knew he needed some rest"
"Before long, the first exit passes that he’s seen since Gainesville and he knew he would be close to setting his head down to sleep."
Another word "hiccup" (one I have trouble with) is stating the character "knew" this or "knew" that. Too often, it's just filler words that weaken the sentence. Test your sentence without it to see if it improves the sentence, if it pulls you more directly into the character's thoughts.

Quite a few of these I can see what you mean and will eliminate them. A couple I'll need to just add some more info to and then the "unnecessary" words will have more meaning. It's true that you have to write down what you're thinking or the other person won't get it.

Jan 7, 2009 2:27:47 GMT -5 metalikhan said:

"He used a wooden curved cane to walk with..." could be strengthened by rearranging & using different verbs.
"He leaned heavily/lightly on a wooden curved cane as he walked." or "He walked, leaning on a wooden curved cane." I mention this to suggest finding a more descriptive verb than "used"; and rearranging does away with the ending preposition in that part of the sentence.

My initial response would have been "Toomaytoe, Tahmahtoe" except that you pointed out an incorrect use of a preposition. I'll reword it.

Jan 7, 2009 2:27:47 GMT -5 metalikhan said:

"He stopped at his car to get his luggage and rolled it to the door and went inside. He went to his room and closed the door behind him. He unzipped his bag and took out what he needed and went to take a shower. After a hot shower he put on his bed clothes and turned off the lights." "Butt shots" need not be deleted if this activity can also be used to show what's happening internally — weariness from travel, drowsiness from a full belly, etc.

I didn't even consider them butt shots. But you're right. I won't delete this.

Jan 7, 2009 2:27:47 GMT -5 metalikhan said:

"The next morning he would have forgotten all about the warning of Chasky County, but he would remember to go to Dina’s Diner." The POV break here can be considered jarring. Personally, I'm from a generation & reading background that has no problem with 3rd person, limited omniscient; but fashions change. What I find more story-stopping than the POV break is the ambiguity in the prediction. I read the sentence three times trying to get the sense of it.

The first reading, I understood the sentence to mean that the memory of the diner brought back the memory of the warning which he otherwise would have forgotten. No, gal, read it again. Maybe it means he remembered the diner but forgot the warning. Maybe. Okay, read it again.

A suggestion which might help solve several things at once: In the "butt shot", you can show Keith's weariness as he returns to his motel. Perhaps he jots the name of the diner on the back of a motel business card. In the morning, he sees the card on the night stand. Oh, yeah — some old guy recommended the place. He stares at the name of the diner, he's vaguely uneasy but anything else the old guy said is gone. Keith shrugs, maybe he was just too tired last night and the encounter too brief. Doddery old fart. Whatever else he said must not have been that important.

A sequence like that pulls you back into Keith's POV and makes the "butt shot" more than just an activity record. It shows him remembering the diner, forgetting the warning.

My mistake. When writing rough drafts, I tend to veer around with my tenses. It's not until I go back and edit that I get it all sounding the same. This one caused a break I didn't intend. I'll reword it for sure.

As far as the ambiguity of the prediction? I'll just see if I can make it more clear as I tell the story. Maybe my rewrite of it will automatically make it less ambiguous.

I mean, it was meant to be a little vague as to just why he couldn't remember the negative, but still I need to reword how I wrote it for POV purposes.

I'm not real sure how to really spot the "butt shots" in the novel. Actually, anytime the "butt" shows on stage the back is to the audience and you can't see what the character is doing or how their face is while talking. The importance is to show as much as possible the character you are playing. I think that's what he was indicating with "butt shots" in the novel. You just have to look out for them and avoid them. Except sometimes you just have to say things a certain way and that's it.

Jan 7, 2009 2:27:47 GMT -5 metalikhan said:

Aside from the rest, I have to admit I like stories and novels in the present tense if they're done well. I know the standard is to write in past tense; but present tense gives immediacy to the story that doesn't happen with past tense. Either way, make your words work — a tip from my poetry writing days. Make them earn their places in the sentences.

Personally, the way I wind up writing always causes me to think it's in past tense. Are you suggesting I'm writing in present? I prefer the present myself: "She takes the knife and plunges it into his chest as he gurgles blood out of his mouth in surprise." sounds so much better than "She took the knife and plunged it into his chest as he gurgled blood out of his mouth in surprise." At least to me it does. But I'm following Jeff's tips, because I want to get this one published for sure and since I intend to use Jeff's editing services, I don't want him asking me, "Didn't you read that tip I wrote about this?" if I can avoid it. He'll probably find plenty of things to say about that anyway, but at least the fewer, the better.

[jdogink]

I didn't read thru the comments that were already made very closely so forgive me if I repeat some things that were already said. Obviously, as for my advice, you can take it or leave it. Here are my thoughts:

Readers do not necessarily need the mundane details of life such as, he left a tip, he paid for his food, he walked down the street, made a left then a right. Some of that directional stuff is okay, but unless it is used sparingly the reader (me included) tends to get bogged down in those details. We all go thru our daily lives, doing the mundane things, and I don't know about you, but when I read, I don't necessarily need to see that sort of thing, I want to get to the meat of the action.

I do not know where your story is going, but it seems to me, the key section of this prologue is when he talks to the older man. Something is going on there...it is a significant moment...whereas, turning onto the ramp, parking the car, not so much. So, if this was my first draft, this is what I would do...I'd challenge myself like this..."Okay, the scene with the old guy is the most important, so I should probably start the prologue there." Then I would think about all the details I wanted the reader to know, like, his lip piercing, painted finger nails, the fact that this guy is out of his element, and I would try to encapsulate all the information into that one scene. Some of those important details can be revealed at first, as he's sitting in the booth, then also, while he is conversing with the old man. Like, maybe he wipes his chin when the old man comes up, and he pulls too hard on his lip ring...voila, now reader knows he has a lip ring. Also, perhaps he could catch the old guy staring at his painted finger nails, then maybe he becomes unconscious of them and puts them in his lap so the old guy can't look at them anymore. Hopefully this is making sense.

Something else I noticed is you are shifting back and forth from past tense and present tense. I'm not usually a fan of present tense, however, it seems like when you are in present tense your language gets a bit sharper and I as a reader feel more a part of the story. Perhaps present tense is "your thing." Regardless, it's got to be one or the other, unless you have hard breaks between scenes, and personally, I think it would be really hard to make those tense shifts work, and I personally wouldn't go there myself. I'd just choose one or the other.

Last thing, your character is supposed to be Christian but he's really sarcastic to the lady and thinks about sending her over a cliff? Perhaps I was misreading. I am not one who thinks Christian characters have to be all goody goody. I will be the first to admit that very "unChristian" thoughts sometimes go thru my head, particularly when I am driving, but I think (or hopefully) the difference between the Christian and the nonbeliever is that we catch ourselves and say "Oops I shouldn't have thought that, forgive me Lord". So, I am not opposed to your Christian character having an attitude, in fact, I think that is much more realistic. But, I think it would be even more realistic if he chastised himself afterwards.

Hope some of my ramblings helps you.

[dizzyjam]

At first, I thought I'd edit the original post that started this thread, but I decided that it would be better if I posted the edit here to not bring confusion. Some things that were pointed out were eliminated. Some things were reworded. I'll do more personal editing once I finish the whole story, but for now this is where it will stand in its first edit status. I may hold off on putting out more of the Prologue until I have the personal editing done I need to do. Right now, I'm more interested in writing my story. I'll still accept constructive criticism on this piece though. It'll let me know what to work on as the previous criticism has. Here it is again for the first time:

BEGIN

Prologue

1

It had been a long trip and Keith Williams was ready for a night in a motel room before meeting with the real estate lady the next day. When 985 turned into 365 he knew he was almost there based on the directions he had received. Even though the sun was still in the sky, it was really past seven in the evening and Keith needed some rest after driving all day. He hoped his reservation at the Holiday Inn proved worth the eighty-nine bucks he held on his credit card. Money was tight right now and he didn’t want to risk catching some disease in a local motel that might not be all it said, so he had placed the reservation with a known chain in the county just outside of where he would be looking at the house in order to ensure a good night’s rest and no problems with “residents”.

A red light came up in the highway and he put on the brakes to stop. In Northeast Georgia it was the strangest thing he had seen on the whole trip, traffic lights in the middle of a super highway and the highway not even passing through a big city.

I guess I’ll have to get used to it if I’m going to live up here. He shook his head as he pushed the gas pedal after the light turned green. Before long, the first exit passes that he’s seen since Gainesville and he looked forward even more to setting his head down to sleep. Less than a minute later he saw the exit he needed and flipped his turn signal on to take a right.

He drove up the ramp and made a right and then another right immediately after that to enter the parking lot of the motel. He spotted a few empty spaces and parked where he can have some room to maneuver, turned the car off. He checked the rearview mirror to see how his hair looked and spotted something on his face. He reached up with fingers that had black nail polish on them to wipe at his chin below where he had his lip pierced. Something left over from a quick trip to McDonald’s earlier he hadn’t felt. Red. Must have been ketchup.

Satisfied he got everything off his face he ran his fingers through his black hair to get a messy, but cool look and glanced down at his black leather jacket and Distortion shirt underneath and his black pants with the black leather boots sticking out from the bottom. Steel tipped. He brushed a few crumbs from his shirt and jacket then his pants. With the job complete, he got out to go inside and walked across the parking lot to the entrance of the motel.

A young lady at the desk looked up from what she was doing and stopped instantly. “Hello, is there something I can help you with?” She sounded more like she didn’t want to help him than did.

Yeah, you can start by showing me where the cliff is so I can push your smug butt off of it. Smirking, he responded, “Yeah, I got a room reserved under the name Williams.”

The look she gave was doubtful. She turned to the screen and punched in the name and said, “Keith?” rather doubtfully.

“That’s me. Need to see my ID?” he said it sarcastically, but he knew he needed to show his ID and credit card because the guy on the phone had said so.

He was pulling out his wallet when she said, “Yes, as a matter of fact I need to see that and the credit card you are using for the reservation.” She still had the air about her that she was hoping this was going to end very soon and he would leave.

“Here you go.” He handed her his ID and credit card then watched her brow scrunch up while comparing the number on the screen in front of her to the card. She punched a few buttons and a printout clacks out. She ripped it off.

“If you could sign here please.” She marked an “X” where she wanted his signature and put the pen on top of the paper on the counter.

Keith brushed it off producing his own pen. He signed and she said, “Room 124 is down that hall there. Have a wonderful stay while you’re here. Call room service if you need anything.” She held out the key.

“What I could use is a good meal before going to bed. Got any suggestions?”

“Well, there’s a Longhorn across the bridge.”

“Too expensive for me.” He leaned against the counter and took the key from her.

She pointed behind her. “Over here is a little strip with a Mexican restaurant at the end that’s reasonably priced, if you like Mexican food that is.”

“I love Mexican food. Thanks for the recommendation.”

“No problem.”

He walked away to go down the hall.

* * * * * * * * *

Keith entered his room and looked around to see if there was any immediate need. Everything seemed to be in order, so he exited to go eat. He decided to walk since the strip was right next-door and he had been driving all day. The strip had a little lunch place at one end, a few shops including a Christian bookstore, and the Mexican restaurant at the other end. He walked until he got to the restaurant, but on his way, he noted the hours of operation for the bookstore. It was closed. Even before entering the doors he could smell the food and knew he was at the right place.

After standing around for a while, he is approached by the host who says, “If you’re needing a table just sit where you can find one, it’s slowing down right now.”

Keith looked at the tables and booths in the section to the left of the checkout counter and picked the first one on the right close to the exit. Before long chips and salsa was on his table. He took a moment to bow his head in reverence over the food and started dipping his chips. Another moment he’s ordering two very cheesy quesadillas with chicken, tomatoes, onions and guacamole.

Then the old man approached him. Leaning on his wooden curved cane with each step he walked over to Keith. He had a cap on with the bill up to see his face where he wore bifocal glasses and below had a plaid shirt on underneath his overalls. He had a lot of wrinkles in his face with an open smile that somehow put Keith at ease over this man approaching him.

“I don’t want to disturb your meal, but can an old man sit down for a moment while he asks you a question?”

Keith indicates with his head. “It’s a free country.”

“Thank you.” The old man sat down across from him and put his cane beside his seat. “It’s not that often I see people dressed such as you are bowing their heads. Were you praying?”

Now Keith felt uncomfortable. “Isn’t that personal?”

“Sure, sure, but it’s important too. So were you?”

Keith decided to see what the old man was after. “Yes, I was.”

“Whom were you praying to?”

“God, who else?” Keith was beginning to get annoyed, but he felt he shouldn’t be rude to the old guy, cause he might have Alzheimer’s or something and the son or daughter might come along at any moment and escort grandpa away from the latest person he’s bugging.

“Who else indeed. But which God? Do you pray to Buddha? Krishna? Who do you pray to?”

Keith was amazed at the bluntness of this man. He wasn’t sure if this guy was serious or challenged as he had first thought. If he was serious, then this might turn into a discussion Keith would rather avoid, but how to get out of it without being rude? If the man were sick, he wouldn’t want to have been nasty to him just because of that. Still uncertain, Keith decided to keep going along until he decided he wouldn’t like this conversation anymore.

“I pray to Jesus. Does that satisfy you?”

Nodding his head the old man smiled. “It sure does. Where you from? I ain’t never seen you ‘round here before.”

Relieved the conversation took another turn, Keith said, “I just came up from Florida. I’m going over to Chasky County tomorrow to look at a house I want to purchase.” Now why did I say that part for? Keith thought.

The old man got a look on his face Keith didn’t understand. “Chasky, huh?” He paused. “I had a friend once who went there and was changed somehow. I can’t say Chasky’s a bad place because of it, but I wouldn’t live there right now. What brings you to Chasky?”

The food arrived at that moment and Keith took a bite before responding. He decided this man might have something to tell him, so he figured he better keep the conversation going after all. Swallowing, he then said, “We’re planning on moving up here and letting our Florida home be our vacation home. I need a new place to be after my band broke up so that I can concentrate on my own music. What’s wrong with Chasky? Is there something I should know about?”

“Is that shirt from your band?” the old man totally ignored his question.

Keith blinked. “Very perceptive. Yes, Distortion was my band. We broke up after I and the keyboardist became Christians. What about Chasky?”

The old man was either not listening or was toying with him for he said, “You like family owned restaurants like this?”

“Yes.” Keith took another bite of food.

The old man leaned forward with his smile. “Then let me recommend a place to eat tomorrow morning in Chasky for you. Go eat at Dina’s Diner for breakfast before you meet your real estate agent. There’s some real good food there.”

“I’ll do that.”

“Well, son. It was good talking with you. I got to get home now. I eat here often, so if you move up here and like the food as I do, come back and we’ll talk again.” The old man positioned his cane and stood up.

“Okay, maybe we will.”

“Be safe tomorrow. Goodbye for now.” The old man walked off in his scuffed up brown boots.

The man had been gone for about a minute when Keith choked on a bite as he realized that he never actually told the man he was meeting a real estate agent.

* * * * * * * * *

Keith reached into his wallet and put a crisp dollar bill on the table. With all the money going toward buying a house and moving, it was the biggest tip he could afford. Feeling guilty, he dug in his pocket and grabbed a handful of coins and plunked them down without looking at them. He paid the cashier and left. Walking back to the motel he noticed the sun setting in front of him.

What was he talking about with warning me of Chasky County, but not telling me why I should be safe? Probably just some kooky old guy that likes to scare people. Yet, Keith remembered the genuine smile and wondered at that assessment.

He stopped at his car to get his luggage and rolled it to the door and went inside. He went to his room and closed the door behind him. He unzipped his bag and took out what he needed and went to take a shower. After a hot shower he put on his bed clothes and turned off the lights.

The next morning he had forgotten all about the warning of Chasky County, but he did remember to go to Dina’s Diner for breakfast.

END

Okay, there it is. No, I didn't do any editing beyond what was suggested unless I just spotted it and it was easy enough to correct. I'll be doing my own editing later as mentioned previously. I'd be interested to see what Seraphim and Metalikhan thinks of this revision. Again, even though I'm going to concentrate more on continuing the story now instead of going back and editing things, I'll still appreciate any helpful comments on this piece if you spot something that hasn't already been mentioned.

[dizzyjam]

Jan 7, 2009 21:59:19 GMT -5 jdogink said:

I didn't read thru the comments that were already made very closely so forgive me if I repeat some things that were already said. Obviously, as for my advice, you can take it or leave it. Here are my thoughts:

Well, I didn't catch your post before I put up my revision, but I'll still comment here and respond to what you said. Although, I think it might have helped if you had read through before posting on one key point: This isn't the entire Prologue. Maybe you'll read more or check back and see this response later.

Jan 7, 2009 21:59:19 GMT -5 jdogink said:

Readers do not necessarily need the mundane details of life such as, he left a tip, he paid for his food, he walked down the street, made a left then a right. Some of that directional stuff is okay, but unless it is used sparingly the reader (me included) tends to get bogged down in those details. We all go thru our daily lives, doing the mundane things, and I don't know about you, but when I read, I don't necessarily need to see that sort of thing, I want to get to the meat of the action.

I do not know where your story is going, but it seems to me, the key section of this prologue is when he talks to the older man. Something is going on there...it is a significant moment...whereas, turning onto the ramp, parking the car, not so much. So, if this was my first draft, this is what I would do...I'd challenge myself like this..."Okay, the scene with the old guy is the most important, so I should probably start the prologue there." Then I would think about all the details I wanted the reader to know, like, his lip piercing, painted finger nails, the fact that this guy is out of his element, and I would try to encapsulate all the information into that one scene. Some of those important details can be revealed at first, as he's sitting in the booth, then also, while he is conversing with the old man. Like, maybe he wipes his chin when the old man comes up, and he pulls too hard on his lip ring...voila, now reader knows he has a lip ring. Also, perhaps he could catch the old guy staring at his painted finger nails, then maybe he becomes unconscious of them and puts them in his lap so the old guy can't look at them anymore. Hopefully this is making sense.

Certainly it is. I do have a tendency to "talk too much" in real life as well as in print, yet what I wrote is necessary for the story in my opinion as the writer of the story. There may be ways to shorten it down and make things go faster and smoother, but that doesn't mean I'm going to eliminate them, just see if I can find that way to make them faster and smoother. Also, since the Prologue isn't finished with this part the meeting with the old man isn't the key section, just the main part of this section. Actually the key section will be looking at the house, but that is to come. Other things leading up to it has to happen first though so that things I will write later on in the story will make sense. This Prologue isn't a short one. Neither are the chapters. Don't expect it to be some two page prologue with five page chapters once I finish it and (hopefully) get it printed. This novel is a serious novel for length, size, and content. But the way I "break it down" will also make it easy for people to have a chance to put it down when they need to. I won't "lock them in" without a way out. There will be plenty of breaks along the way.

Jan 7, 2009 21:59:19 GMT -5 jdogink said:

Something else I noticed is you are shifting back and forth from past tense and present tense. I'm not usually a fan of present tense, however, it seems like when you are in present tense your language gets a bit sharper and I as a reader feel more a part of the story. Perhaps present tense is "your thing." Regardless, it's got to be one or the other, unless you have hard breaks between scenes, and personally, I think it would be really hard to make those tense shifts work, and I personally wouldn't go there myself. I'd just choose one or the other.

That's because I'd rather write in present tense, but industry standards are past tense. I unconsciously switch as I write and I go back later to edit it to the standard of past tense.

Jan 7, 2009 21:59:19 GMT -5 jdogink said:

Last thing, your character is supposed to be Christian but he's really sarcastic to the lady and thinks about sending her over a cliff? Perhaps I was misreading. I am not one who thinks Christian characters have to be all goody goody. I will be the first to admit that very "unChristian" thoughts sometimes go thru my head, particularly when I am driving, but I think (or hopefully) the difference between the Christian and the nonbeliever is that we catch ourselves and say "Oops I shouldn't have thought that, forgive me Lord". So, I am not opposed to your Christian character having an attitude, in fact, I think that is much more realistic. But, I think it would be even more realistic if he chastised himself afterwards.

Let's just say that there are usually plenty of things we all do that we don't catch ourselves doing. Plus I don't know a person who has control of their thought life in reality. I don't, and I can't read minds, so I don't trust people that say they do. I like people that talk about it and admit they still have to work on it. That's honest. Maybe he didn't chastise himself because he didn't see a need to? While writing, I never saw a need to put that in, so I didn't. Does that make him less of a Christian? I don't know how many Christian Goths or Punks or Metalheads you've hung around, but the ones I've been with can have the Spirit of God all over them one moment and the next can say things to make you blush. Kind of like Peter. Hopefully once I've finished this book, the things I'm writing at the beginning will clear themselves up enough so that when I go back and edit, I'll know what to do. Then I'll send it to Jeff and he can go over it better than the rest of us.

Jan 7, 2009 21:59:19 GMT -5 jdogink said:

Hope some of my ramblings helps you.

Certainly, anytime.

[seraphim]

Let me deal first with the things I think have improved:

Improvements:

“Here you go.” He handed her his ID and credit card then watched her brow scrunch up while comparing the number on the screen in front of her to the card. She punched a few buttons and a printout clacks out. She ripped it off.

“If you could sign here please.” She marked an “X” where she wanted his signature and put the pen on top of the paper on the counter.

Condensing and paying attention to word choice significantly strengthened this part of the scene.

“Well, there’s a Longhorn across the bridge.”

Solid descriptive point. Good believable specificity.

Keith brushed it off producing his own pen.

Good detail, gives insight into the character. With regard to word choice though I think "aside" might work better than "off". People and dandruff are brushed off; things more substantial than dandruff and less substantial than people tend to be brushed aside when brushed at all.

He decided to walk since the strip was right next-door and he had been driving all day. The strip had a little lunch place at one end, a few shops including a Christian bookstore, and the Mexican restaurant at the other end. He walked until he got to the restaurant, but on his way, he noted the hours of operation for the bookstore. It was closed. Even before entering the doors he could smell the food and knew he was at the right place.

This paricope is significantly improved. You've avoided overusing key word and paced them better. You still have a some weak verbs though not overused per se. The end of the paragraph is a little bit confusing. It is because your "camera" switched from the restuarant to the bookstore and then suddenly you are adding an initially ambiguous detail that applies only to the restuarant whiile the reader is still back at the locked bookstore doors startled by the smell of enchilladas coming through the keyhole. Might I suggest a small edit something like this:

"He decided to walk since the strip was right next-door and he had been driving all day. The strip had a little lunch place at one end, a few shops including a Christian bookstore, and the Mexican restaurant at the other end. The bookstore was closed, and would open again tomorrow at 9:30. But even before he had finished reading its hours of operation he could smell the distant aroma of sizzling onions, and knew he was headed to the right place.

Keith reached into his wallet and put a crisp dollar bill on the table. With all the money going toward buying a house and moving, it was the biggest tip he could afford.

Good telling detail. Crisp bills suggest they are newly acquired from bank or atm and given other info about the MC's finances perhaps suggests a carefully tended finite resouce.

Work Still Needed:
Clunky Sentences:

When 985 turned into 365 he knew he was almost there based on the directions he had received.

It seems to me "there" ought to be supported by the name of his destination, or certainly more specific. If he "knew" he was almost there what is added by "based on the directions he received". Is the receipt of those directions specifically going to play an important role later in the story...and I don't mean the person who game them or the situation in which he received them, but rather the actual receiving of directions? If the actual receipt of the directions plays little or no role, then what is gained to mention it. Cannot it be assumed the driver knows where he wants to go and thus his backstory directions add nothing to the story and should be removed. If the gun on the mantle is not going to be used then there's no point in having it on the mantle. As a writer you are directing the readers inner eye and ear, he looks where you point...if you point at the mundane and trivial too often to no significant purpose you soon won't have a reader.

A red light came up in the highway and he put on the brakes to stop."

Did the red light come up or did he come to a red light? Why "come up," does it have sufficient force and explicit or implicit detail to justify its existance. Why say he braked "to stop," are there other reasons to brake at a red light?

setting his head down to sleep

Is "setting" the best word for what you want to convey? Is his head detachable so that it may be set down?

his black leather jacket and Distortion shirt underneath

Is there an expectation that a man inspecting his clothing will suddenly discover that he has mistakenly worn his shirt over his jacket instead of "underneath" it where it belongs? If not, then what is gained by saying the obvious about how the shirt is worn in relation to the jacket?

The look she gave was doubtful. She turned to the screen and punched in the name and said, “Keith?” rather doubtfully.

Remember my earlier post about weak repetition? Do you "doubt" it? As a codicile let me also say a cautionary word about "Tom Swifties". Adverbial descriptions of a verb are a certain species of "explainery". It is better if possible to write in such a way...to chose the extact details of scene and speech so that one's dialogue does not require "ly" elaborations. Tom Swift was an old youth SF series (Tom Swift and the Electronic Rifle, etc.) It depended heavily on adverbial and other similar descriptive excesses often in the form of a light pun (see: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Swifties). Yours isn't quite that egregious, but it is stumbling close to that territory.

“That’s me. Need to see my ID?” he said it sarcastically

See comment above about adverbial labeling. The dialogue in situ as a rule (not always in my book) should carry this sensibility without the need to label it. The particular exception I make for this rule are questions of aurality....the aural texture/tone of the piece. If it reads better, more naturally aloud with it in I leave it in. If it makes no significant difference or does damage I leave it out.

He walked away to go down the hall.

A seemingly pointless derriere shot. It could be significant but none of the words are sufficiently specific or nuanced to convey it if so. Why specify that he "walked"? Could a more telling word than "walk" that means "walk" have been used instead? How did he walk, like a young man, like a tired man, like a happy man, like someone deep in thought? Why "down the hall", why not "to his room"? Such instances of weak word choices are wasted developmental opportunities.

Euphony:
I will limit myself to one example of a jarring loss of euphony:

Leaning on his wooden curved cane

The problem here is that the natural cadence of each word doesn't fit a natural sentence cadence. Read the sentence out loud and listen to it you will hear the problem. Current structure has the phrase ending on a spondee mid sentence. The language doesn't flow. You were probably attracted to the alliteration between "curved" and cane" and if curved were you only modifier describing the cane it might work. "Wooden" is the more specific and more important modifier of "cane" and it should not be sperated from it. Rather it should be modifed by curved" so that we see what kind of wooden cane. There is a strong euphonic difference between "curved wooden cane" and "wooden curved cane". By placing the "wooden" next to "cane" the nasals ("Ns") resonate with each other, which music is diminished if "curved" is interposed which also tends to throw off the beat of the sentence. If you shift "curved" the beat of the phrase progresses as Anapest -- iamb -- dactyl. As it is it reads Anapest -- Spondee -- Spondee...which if I may risk a pun is a bit "wooden".

To risk riffing on the Phantom of the Opera as a final "note" I would advise you to "listen to the music"...if not of the night, then certainly to that which you write. Dickens always read aloud what he wrote during his edits. What sounded good to his ear stayed in, what jarred his ear he reworked or eliminated. Many aspiring writers forget the aurality of their work and write only for the eye. In my jugement, such as it is, this is a serious weakness.

Well I suppose that is sufficient blood in the water, and a bandaide or two.

[dizzyjam]

Seraphim,

A lot of great points you bring up - a couple I had already thought of or were already there and weren't the "improvements" you had thought they were. Most are quite helpful. I only had enough time to read your post however. I'll respond to it better later.

Thanks.

[metalikhan]

Right now, what I would mention is not just for you; it's a reminder for anyone writing. Keep an eye out for compound verbs that turn active sentences into passive ones. When you swing your verb bat, don't pad it with cotton balls. They rob your sentences — and thus, your story — of impact. Watch for sneaky, remora words like is, was, has, have, and had attached to the verb. Try to avoid turning your action verbs into participles or infinitives — or have a very good reason for doing it, a reason you can articulate. I found that grammar checkers don't spot all the sentence constructions using them. It's a royal pain to hunt them down once you pass 20,000 (or even 10,000) words.

Seraphim had a good point about the aurality of writing. Whether the piece is poetry, short story, or longer work, story-telling had its birth in oral traditions. The ear picks out what doesn’t flow together when the eye misses it.

As for your rewrite, I think you got the idea. I don't want to add more that might bog you down too much in this early stage of the novel. More intense cosmetic surgery will happen with the 2nd (or 3rd) draft. Keep rolling with your story. Rough drafts are exactly that — rough. Mine usually look quarried rather than written.