Recession Hits Fantasy Kingdom

[Jeff Gerke]

In the latest round of sobering financial news, Dectian Blades officials today announced the closure of seven of its armory retail outlets.

The Dectian Blades outlets in Capitalia and Port Royal will remain in operation, say company officials. Inventory of Dectian Blades will be transferred to these locations. An exception is the BackSlash model of reverse pikes, as consumer outrage over their safety has prompted a government investigation.

"The BackSlash is great when you're surrounded," said a Dectian official on the condition of anonymity. "But the rear blade tends to extend at the most inopportune times." There have been reports of dozens of deaths of friendly troops as a result of use of the controversial weapon among Kingdom forces.

News of the Dectian closures comes on the heels of last week's collapse of both Wizardia and Spurlock, makers of luxury sorcery products, including the award-winning Keyfinder line of memory recall items.

Despite assurances to the contrary from the Elven Highseer Academy, the Kingdom appears to be in full recession, with no end in sight. The Dwarven Metalsmith Array (DMA) has expanded its voluntary shrinkage an additional 17%, following last year's 34%. Gold futures plunged again yesterday on news of the gnome-kobold workers' strike. And Bank of the Queen's Exchequer announced it is vulnerable to buyout and requested an immediate bailout of 45 billion jilbles from the Castle.

"Things are tough all over," says half-giant Kumquat Piltinker, standing with his family in line at the Fresh-It outdoor market in Ooblek. "I'm a mercenary but right now despots can't afford to hire us. They're staying home and making nice with their neighbors. That's great for the peasants and all," he says, comforting a crying half-giant infant, "but I've gotta feed my family."

Asked what he would do if the recession continued, Kumquat just shrugged. "I might have to move home with my mom. But, you know, her house isn't really big enough for a family of half-giants. She's not the giant half, you see, and my dad's not in the picture."

***

The recession hitting your corner of the Kingdom? Post your iReports here.

[dizzyjam]

That's funny. When I was first reading it, I thought you were talking about some real store specializing in medieval and fantasy oriented costumes and such. As I read on, I got it and rather enjoyed it. Very clever Jeff.

[Jeff Gerke]

;D

[thebronzegryphon]

Despite the recession growing in neighboring fantasy kingdoms, the Hereditary Evil Empire reports massive growth.

"Evil is a growth industry," said Emmett Halfspear, CEO of the Villain Emporium chain. "We're always hiring. And with this recession going on, we're able to spend some of our ill-gotten gains on acquiring other, more legitimate, business interests."

Villain Emporium, makers of products such as the Expendable Minion and the Henchman Deluxe, has seen a two hundred and fifty percent sales increase since the recession hit, the stock exchange reports.

This is because Villains have begun to stock up on ingredients for evil plots, as the Nine Planets will coincidentally be perfectly aligned on the third of next month, according to Veshrin Starfield.

"It gets just about impossible to find a good Doomsday Device or Portable Summoning Circle when the time of the Apocalypse rolls around," Starfield said in an interview Wednesday. "Not to mention the Stones of Power and the blood of a virgin."

Richard Guardian, the Swift Justice and Guildmaster of the International Heroes Guild, says the increase in sales is a bubble, and will soon disappear. "As soon as we foil those foul plots, Villains will be out of money for the foreseeable future," he said. "Without them spending money on Apocalypse items, the Emporium stock is going to tank, and the Empire will join the eastern kingdoms in the recession."

Guardian declined to comment on Centra Mundi's much publicized Epic Bailout Bill, or EBB, but one Heroes Guild staffer, who asked not to be identified, did have a comment.

"The recession is bad news," he said in a private interview. "If people have less in their pockets, that's less for me to pickpocket. And then they're going to take the money out of MY pocket to put in their pocket so I can take it back out again. This isn't making jobs, it's making me do the same job TWICE."

[dizzyjam]

Was that Mitchell Bonds who just posted? Wow! That was hilarious!

[metalikhan]

Thanks, Jeff, for creating a place to post news of these troubling, tough times. Have you seen the classified ads? Simply heartbreaking!
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Are humans recycling their old rags instead of throwing them away? Come to the Brownie Rag Co-oops for the latest in wearable rags. Just arrived: a shipment of old shop rags with grease and Prussian blue stains! No rag with less than five holes — Guaranteed!
**********
Will trade lodging for milk: Family of seven dwarves seeking respectable minotauress needing a home. Offering cozy shed-to-stable conversion with separate entrance and corral. Must be non-charging and non-goring — please provide references. Must supply own salt & mineral blocks; adjacent grazing lot is provided.
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Injured troll cracked. Will work for mortar.
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We three maidens of the Rhein offer a portion of our Rheingold in exchange for a barrel of fish heads.
(Whaddya mean "we"? I never agreed to that! Shut up, shut up, I'm the oldest! You can't boss me around, sister! Oh, like you're going to swim for the Rheingold, I don't think so! You just sit on a rock and sing — that's not getting us any fish heads! Yeah, well you just comb your hair with lah-ti-dah trout ribs! Oh, huh!...)

[torainfor]

Beag Ceannaire, the Taoiseach of the Leprechaun party, addressed the Dáil Éireann, the lower house of Ireland's government, Oireachtas Éireann, today, announcing production cuts in the amount of gold delivered to the ends of rainbows effective immediately. The IRA, former military arm of Sinn Fein, had threatened violent action should the cuts be enacted until Bono met with them and told them to, "Quit your bloody whinging," and gave them IPods loaded with all 34,623 U2 songs.

[Jeff Gerke]

[Beautiful...]

[Therin]

The Dragon-Slayers Guild announced yesterday that they will be making drastic cuts to their members list. Apparently, the average revenue for individual Dragons slain has gone down catastrophically in the last few months, as fewer and fewer Dragons have enough funds to sustain their massive treasure halls.

"We're lucky to get some chests of gold, let alone a good Magic Sword or Legendary Relic," said Araniel Dawnsword, Guild spokesman in a press conference given at the city of Dragonsbane. He neither confirmed nor denied rumors that the Guild will soon begin charging fees for saving villages, rescuing damsels, and maintaining a continued presence in infested regions.

The Peasants' and Villagers' Guild have risen in protest over this motion Country dwellers view the Dragon-Slayers as an essential service, and thus exempt from payroll cuts or union actions. "With fewer Dragon Slayers," said Johan Furrow, an outspoken advocate of peasant rights, “The Dragons will have free reign over the countryside. And they’re feeling the pinch, too. Where do you think they’ll go to stock up on valuable items to admire? The impregnable city of Dragonsbane or the defenseless villages of the countryside?” Rumor has it he has information that implicates the Dragons and Dragon-slayers in a plot to swindle peasants of their land and wealth.

“We can’t fight dragons,” said one farmer whose land was devastated in a Dragon raid in response to a question about the overall mood of the people, “But Dragon-Slayers, that’s something else.”

[J Jack]

Bandits and pirates have been hit hard by these tough times, Captain Tom Foolery and bandit party leader Mug "Mugsy" Ger have recently made cuts to their ranks.
"Thar just be no swag to pay fer the men...yar" Foolery said to reporters after letting six of his crew go.
"Not enough people are leaving the city, we're not making any money off the ones who do, it's a turrible situation, I don't know how we'll make it through the next while." Ger's crew reported a heavy loss this quarter, and his accountant predicts further losses as times get tougher.
"People start tightening those change purses, and once that happens it's harder to get in and pick out the coins," expert pickpocket Sly Fawks, one of the petty thieves hit hard by this recession, said after a day's total of three pieces of lint and two toenail clippings.
"It's not worth it to get out of bed, I can barely buy a loaf of bread with this," he said.
These tough times may continue, but one things for sure, crime isn't paying for these scoundrels. At least not any more.

[metalikhan]

Announcement:
In response to the current economic challenges, PRA (Pack Rats Anonymous) has undergone reorganization and renaming. PRA (Personal Recycling Association) re-welcomes its former PRA members. Forget about your (Fill in #) Step Program — there's no more need to count how many paces you try to take to the waste basket or the curb. No longer must you hide that interesting bit of cardboard under your jacket or conceal your broken crayon collection.

As we open our membership to the nouveau poor, we count on our old Pack Rats to teach newcomers things to do with empty kitty litter jugs, tuna cans, metal and plastic bottle caps, and tangled bits of string. Show your projects and collections with pride!

Our annual conference will have a re-new look, too. Guest speaker Sally Whereditgo (author of Don't Pitch the Pickle Jar and Primal Soup in the Veggie Drawer) heads an all-species line-up of expert penny pinchers including Count 'lad the Lesser (Double Duty — Compost in Your Coffin); Zelda the Zombie (Extreme Eyes, The Definitive Guide to Recycled Anatomy); Ursula Buttercup (Sleeping through Hard Times and The Werebear Pawbook of Hibernation); Penelope Periwinkle (Pitch the Pickle Jar — Picking Pixie Playgrounds); and our own Pack Rat, Gordon the Ghoul (Re-upholstery — New Life for Old Blue Jeans, Hiccup — Mononey Shaving Whazzit Tips from Claunalulul Clulalarrkish Cluracaun Cellar, 100 Uses for Empty Thread Spools, and The Lamia's Calorie Counter for That Sleek Snake Shape).

Workshops include quilted blankets from retired sweatshirts, braiding rugs with old landline phone cords, making mud based paint, repairs with chewing gum, and candy wrapper origami.

For further information, watch for our fliers tossed in dumpsters or blowing around parking lots near you.