Spiritual matters

[veritasseeker90]

A little odd, perhaps, but I was wondering if you all could pray for me?

I find it hard to want to read my Bible, so therefore I often don't. So I therefore get nothing. I feel rather distant from God, as far as knowing his plan for my life.

I believe a lot of it, is when I pray, if something comes to mind, I question if it's me thinking that or if God really told me. I'm terrified of possibly making a mistake because I "thought" God told me he wanted this or that and it was really only me.

Another thing I stuggle with, is I'm not a very emotional person, but it seems like worshiping and being in his presence has some form of making one emotional, so I hold myself back because I don't want "dissapoint" God. It's almost like I have to KNOW how to worship Him, because I don't know if I truly am.

I am saved. And I know Jesus died on the cross and I've accepted him as the way to salvation, but it just seems sometimes, like I'm not a Christian because I often don't FEEL anything.

Is this wierd? If you guys could pray, it would be most appreciated.

Thanks,
Veritas90

[metalikhan]

I pray that God instills a passion for studying scripture, a hunger for His word in you. Through it, we learn His perfect will for everyone and we can learn to discern His personal will for us as individuals.

As for worship, there are many who think there must be some emotional outpouring during the worship service at church. Worship, however, is so much more than the singing. It is expressed in the kindnesses we do for others. It is expressed in choosing to do right when wrong is easier. It is expressed in using the spiritual gifts and talents He gives us for the benefit of our brothers and sisters in Christ as well as for those who do not know Him. It is in living our lives as He would have us live.

Don't be ashamed that you don't express worship the way others do. To share a personal example, I have a difficult time getting through the music part of church service. It's not that I don't like the music — most of it is quite beautiful. My problem is that the volume and the acoustics of the sanctuary are such that the music often becomes physically painful; so, that part of the service is less fellowship and worship for me and more an act of endurance. I usually wait outside the sanctuary until the music stops. Any musical worship I do is playing hymns on my dulcimer, a quiet instrument. Sometimes I sing, but always alone (which is good — my singing voice might get me arrested for public nuisance or domestic terrorism). I have neither gift nor talent for music.

I am in my most worshipful attitude when I am writing, when I am drawing or painting, when I am making or repairing something. When I give a gift to someone I don't know, when I encourage a stressed coworker or soothe a frightened critter, I am more aware of worshipping God than any amount of music or singing can invoke.

I'm also reserved about expressing emotion — my husband calls it emotional discipline. That is how God made me and how He shaped me through the circumstances He's allowed me to experience. Likewise, that's how He made and shaped you. He has His reason for doing that; and we trust always that He is in control even when He doesn’t explain to us the why of what He's doing. Sometimes we can only understand in hindsight. Other times, we must accept that we might never know. Just remember, your salvation, your faith in Christ as Lord and Savior does not depend on emotional feelings.

A suggestion about the Bible reading: you might try writing two scriptures down on a small notecard, like a 3x5 or blank business card. Make one of them OT verse(s) (maybe something from Psalms or Proverbs) and one NT verse(s). Keep that card with you at all times. Read it silently, read it aloud at least once a day, more often is better. In a month (or a week if you realize you've memorized both passages), make a new card with different verses. By working on just what's on the card, it's not so intimidating or discouraging as vowing "I will read the Bible for xx minutes every day" and then stopping the next day or looking for any reason to avoid opening That Big Book. The little card is in your purse, in your pocket — it's on you, readily available — and within a short time, God's words are in your heart where He wants them written.

[Jeff Gerke]

Thanks for your terrific honesty, veritas. You really are seeking after truth, as your name implies.

I think your prayer request is beautiful and shows a deeper love for God than you may realize you have.

First, forget about what other people are doing. Group worship is such a strange thing anyway. I mean, it can be wonderful, but it can also be less than helpful to the individual. I try to not do things in corporate worship that I don't do when I'm praying alone with God. I don't lift my hands in worship when I'm alone with Him, so I don't usually do so in group worship--though I love it when other people do so.

Don't worry about not being emotional--or about being emotional--in group worship. I think some worship services are designed to allow or even encourage emotional displays. You may be reacting to the subtle manipulation going on. Again, I don't feel like it's a bad thing. Weeping and worshiping together can be hugely cathartic, but it's not for everyone. And it's not for every time.

Second, don't wait for your emotions to urge you to read your Bible. You say you're concerned that something you think you've heard from God might or might not be really from him. Well, the best way to lock that down is to compare the "message from God" in your head with the message from God in the Bible. There's really no substitute to knowing God's will as revealed in Scripture.

However, speaking with godly adivsors can be a good stop-gap while your own biblical foundation slowly grows.

Maybe you can supplement your Bible reading with other kinds of Bible intake. Like listening to the Bible on CD. Or getting music CDs of Scripture memory songs. Or reading books by Christian authors and teachers. Maybe you can get sermon series on CD from excellent Bible teachers. Maybe take some theology courses at your local Christian college?

Not everyone is a Bible student, in the sense of sitting down every day with the Bible and a lexicon. That doesn't mean you don't love God. It means He built you differently. But neither does it mean you can do without a growing knowledge of His Word. We just need to find the way that works best for you.

You're okay, veritas. You're really okay. God is cool with everything you've said here. He loves you with a patient, Daddy kind of love. You two are going to get this worked out, no problem.

Jeff

[rwley]

I understand where you are. A couple things I've learned over the years about being sure if what you've heard is from God or from your own thoughts and desires: first, as Jeff said, it will line up with Scripture, and second, if it's of God, it will always succeed, if it's from me or some other source, it will almost always fail. Some of my own plans succeed, but never in the way they should or in the way I planned. God's plans always succeed perfectly. And His timing, not mine.

Prayers are with you.

Robi

[torainfor]

So, you only read the Bible when you want to. You don't get emotional about public worship. You hear God, but you're afraid of acting on it because you have no way of knowing it's really God. You know you're saved, even when you don't feel it.

Would you please get out of my head now? I swear we're separated at birth.

First off, I think the less mercurial spiritual life can be a tremendous blessing. My sister is much more emotional (about everything). Although her faith is strong, she has very few of those quiet, steady, grounded moments of spirituality--which is where I tend to live.

Lemme guess, when you do "feel" like reading your Bible, or some particular drives you to it, you come out with an intense, deep experience? How many of those times were because you just happened to open the Bible because that's what you do, and how many because you were driven--by circumstances, by something you read, by the lyrics of a song? That's how it happens for me, and it seems to happen over the course of several days or weeks. I'm reading Eugene Peterson's Tell it Slant. I'm meditating on the words of the song Lead Me to the Cross. I've got a line from a new Caedmon's Call song stuck in my head. I'm struggling with the dichotomy of worshiping in a public manner vs humility. I force myself to skip my workout and hie to Starbucks with my Bible (Which my sister recently re-covered for me. It's beautiful!) I look up the passage Eugene's talking about--John 17--and everything comes together.

The main point I pulled out of it was the glory-loop. God glorifies us (but not always in a shining sunbeam bursting through the clouds kind of way--more often in a kneel at the foot of the cross and drink from the spring kind of way), which glorifies our hearts, which glorifies our actions, which displays God's glory to others, so they're pulled into Him.

Which directly relates, as an encouragement to abide--gather God's glory. But also relates in the manner in which it occurred. I've been reading this book for several weeks now--off and on. I've been wrestling with (in a good way) worship vs pride for a couple of years. I'm preparing to sing this song, and wanted to really know what it meant, so I've been thinking about the lyrics (So appropriate! "Lead me to the cross, where Your love poured out. Bring me to my knees; Lord I lay me down. Rid me of myself, I belong to You..." Showing up, being submissive and humble, emptying of yourself so you can be filled.) I listen to Itunes while I work--which is why I have Danielle's voice in my head singing "Everything is sacred." And I know I'll be too distracted reading at home, so I go to Starbucks.

Set yourself up. Listen to your favorite music. Read your favorite authors. (For fiction, try out Donita K. Paul and Jan Karon--they're both so encouraging and edifying.) Be in the place where you can hear God most--show up. And don't worry about the "read your Bible every day" bit. If God only spoke through the Bible, we wouldn't need each other.

[veritasseeker90]

Thank you to everyone who replied. After I posted this, I felt an odd sense of peace and....contentment? In a wierd way. That's not to say that I just got rid of these feelings last night, but I think writing it down really helped.

metalikhan: I'm that way also. My writing is my place that I can explore the unknowns and it often where revelations about God's nature and those of Christianity come to me. That's why my writing often deals with the Good vs. Evil aspect. Cliche, yes?

Jeff: I've thought about it so many times, going to talk to my pastor, or even my mom, but I guess it's a pride thing I need to let go of. Because, to them, I've got it all together because I've grown up believing all of this. And when I try to talk to my mom about it, I just feel like I'm letting her down simply knowing that I even have these questions.

Torainfor: perhaps we were. Separated that is.

I appreciate your prayers and response so much. And I really do thank God for allowing me to find this forum.

[Christian Soldier]

However delayed, prayers away, Seeker. Truly, only those who seek can find. I know. I've been there. My own faith has been all over the spectrum. I've been red hot for God, cold as Ice towards His will, and in that dangerous neutral ground. My only advise is this: Seek. Seek and ye shall find, knock and the door shall be opened. Later Christ reminds us to keep knocking.

I've always felt much the same as you do. My ADD gets in the way from my reading the Bible on any schedule. Getting married blew that out the window. Now that I'm deployed, I'm also lazy when it comes to things spiritual, personal. Being a soldier, a married one at that, makes staying in any real habit impossible. Yet, I know that He loves me. That I devote as much time as I can steal to Him. I write to please Him, much as I sing and worship.

Worship itself is not a solid thing. Worship is everything you do that glorifies Him. Prayer is and of itself an act of worship and fellowship. Corporate, or group, worship can be anything as simple as spending time with your brothers and sisters to singing with thousands of others... or just two of you.

Our relationship with Christ is an intensely personal thing, and for you to share yours with us is a truly humbling thing. I agree with everyone else, the fact that you wrote your post in the first place is an extreme act of worship. Know, sister, that you are certainly not alone in this, nor at all here. We're all in the boat with you and, unlike the rest of the world, we don't get upset if the boat rocks.

On a side note, MetaliKhan, my mother, and I sometimes, is in the same boat you are. She usually volunteers for duties away from the main services because of the pain that the loud music inflicts on her. We both suffer from severe migraines, hers being much worse than mine; although, when I did some research on Migraines some of what I found scared me.

[Jeff Gerke]

Don't let Mr. Pride hold you back from doing anything good, Veritas. Maintaining a false image for as long as you can only prolongs the agony and results in a harder fall. Humbling yourself before God--and sometimes before people--is a sure path to blessing. Hardening your false posture to project an untrue image is...well...not a sure path to blessing.

:-)

(And can you slow down your new avatar animation, plz?)

[veritasseeker90]

Thanks.

I do aplogize. LOL. My computer won't let me see it, so I only have what other people say about it. I will take it off until I can fix it. *sheepish grin....*

[pixydust]

I second what Jeff said. It's better to ask the questions sooner than later--take it from someone who had a pretty painfull plummet as a young adult.

I will pray that God gives you a stronger hunger for Him and His word (I think you already have that, you just need that extra shove). And don't put too much stock in "feelings" they can be your undoing if not monitored. So, thank God for your clear head and then ask for the Holy Spirit to guide you to the answers you seek. As a parent I would be extatic for my kid to ask me about God and how to get closer. Trust me, I'm sure your mom already sees more than you realize and might even be worried about you but not wanting to say anything. Us mommies see more than you realize. Just ask and put her out of her missery.

The Holy Spirit is the part of God that speaks to us and creates that soul-connect with our Father. Consider finding scriptures about the Spirit and praying some over yourself. I find praying scripture extremely effective when I'm in a dry place. And it's more difficult for my flesh to get in the way. I also pray in tongues in a quiet "between me and my creator" way (not the crazylady in church way). You might consider seeking God for your prayer language. I know it's a scary idea but it's a huge blessing when you have it. My husband just recently got his and he's very blessed by it (he's a very rubber-meets-the-road guy, so it was difficult for him to recieve it).

I point you to these scripture:

Jer 6:16

This is what the LORD says: "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls."

Matt 7:7-11

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

God's desire is for you to have his Spirit, for you to be close to Him. Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you will find.

[seraphim]

Might I also suggest considering that the Kingdom of Heaven is taken by force. It is not just something dropped in the lap without our labor. It may be introduced to us very generously but to keep it, to grow in it requires our cooperation with God's grace and our patient understanding to discern what we are to understand and grow into by the state of our relationship. God seeming far away can be because we moved or it can be because God watches to see if we will follow Him not because we have warm feelings, easy going, etc. Will we follow through the desert as well as through the meadows and beside still waters? There is a time when children are learning to walk that the parents step back to encourage the struggle of the child to go a few steps further, more and more until he can walk unaided. Sometimes God seems far because we got too sure of ourselves and did not realize how dependent we were on His sustaining grace to carry on. Sometimes a desert experience is necessary to kill the weeds of our pride and to wear away false ideas about God and His workings so that a purer faith may be preserved. Still the soil must be tilled, the rocks stacked to the side, the seed sown, and a watch kept to keep the seed from being stolen by the fowls of the air. That is our part. To give rain, to give light, to give growth, that is God's part.

If you want a love for the scriptures to return, then do the good that is in your hand to do. Read a little every day in a disciplined way, just a chapter or two of a Gospel or the Psalms. Pray a little before you read for His mercy to receive such things as He deems appropriate for you. Afterwards ask a question or two in prayer about what you have read especially with respect to application (without demanding or expecting immediate answer) and give a little thanks, "Glory to Thee, O God, Glory to Thee" (this is what we pray after reading Scripture in my faith). You might want to supplement this with spiritual reading of a simple kind that feeds your heart not your head...like the life of ancient martyrs. Of this type of reading I have read that one should read spiritual writings in about equal proportion to one's prayer time. The point is to establish a disciplined habit of prayer and reading, even if it is just a little. Give thanks for that little, and leave the rest to God to bless in His time. If it is short give thanks; if it is long give thanks; if it comes easy give thanks; and if it comes hard give thanks. In all things, trust His mercy; trust His wisdom in knowing what is best for you, and give thanks.