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Post by veryblessedmom on May 5, 2009 21:56:58 GMT -5
How do I show a pause in a phone conversation? Does that dialog belong in quotations? I'm thinking yes on the second.
Now let me set up the first.My narrator is sitting with his lady, waiting to be introduced to someone in the other room. The woman in the other room is on the phone having a loud conversation. My narrator is catching one half of the conversation, then hearing no conversation as the woman on the phone listens to the party on the other end.How do I show that pause?
I've gotten answers like, He waited anxiously, listening to the clock tick on the wall, wondering what she would say next. I really don't like this and was told to do something like it between each chunk. This does not feel right to me. Filling every pause with something takes away from the pause he hears and sounds silly to me. Plus, he's listening, but not because he's trying to.I'm up for suggestions.
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Post by torainfor on May 5, 2009 23:20:53 GMT -5
You have to have "beats" somehow, whether it be internal dialogue, him doing something, or him having a conversation with his lady that is occasionally interrupted by the phone call in the other room.
"So, where do you want to go for dinner?"
"And then the squirrel walked in..."
"I dunno, I was thinking that little place on Fourth Street."
"And the rabbi says to the preacher..."
"Oh, they have the best fried tofu."
"But, Myrtle didn't say he was going to fly to Spain..."
"What is she talking about, anyway?"
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Post by duchessashley on May 5, 2009 23:25:51 GMT -5
If he's not listening, then would he hear the pauses? Or the one half of the conversation? Seems to me that he would be involved in his own thoughts and only catch snippets here and there. Or whispering with his lady friend about the rude behavior of the woman on the phone. If he is indeed listening to the half of the conversation, then he could acknowledge the pauses and inwardly...or outwardly react to them.
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Post by veryblessedmom on May 6, 2009 6:02:17 GMT -5
My character and his lady friend are sitting in awkward silence. He's not sure if she's over something he told her. She wants to wait to talk when they leave the house. They can't leave until his lady friend introduces him to Granny and cleans up after dinner. All of that is on hold due to Granny's loud phone conversation taking place in the kitchen. I know I need beats, but this scene has me beat on what to do for them.
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Post by duchessashley on May 6, 2009 7:59:50 GMT -5
Is the conversation crucial to the story? Do we learn anything from it that we might need to know later?
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Post by veryblessedmom on May 6, 2009 10:11:25 GMT -5
The conversation gives insight into the actions of a small side character.
My story centers around 2 major characters, but small side characters live in my world too. They live their lives and do what they do, oblivious to what's going on with the two main characters.
These side people are great for the dumb puppet trick and for killing off to propel the story forward. I like for them to seem like real people dealing with real stuff and not names that pop up once in a while to serve a purpose. Is it wrong to do that? I'm very green.
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Vaporwolf
Full Member
Shnakvorum Rikoyoch
Posts: 123
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Post by Vaporwolf on May 6, 2009 10:30:12 GMT -5
It's not wrong to let side characters have a personality, just don't focus on it. I would suggest not giving the full conversation here, but translate it into something that centers on the man since the focus for him is on getting introduced and getting out. But have him react to the details of the character that give them a uniqueness. But don't go into it too much because none of the details have any real bearing on the story. I would say use the conversation more as a way of showing more about the main character through their reactions to what is going through his head and going on in the room. Let him react to the unique personality of the secondary character. So don't worry about showing the pause, unless it gives the main character hope that the call is ending, only to have that hope dashed as she starts talking again.
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Post by Jeff Gerke on May 6, 2009 10:31:16 GMT -5
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Post by veryblessedmom on May 6, 2009 15:57:52 GMT -5
OK. I've got it worked out. Thanks everyone. I think I've gotten a better grasp of beats and a way to make the phone call background noise to the POV character's scene and not the main event.
I've decided to quit worrying about the writing while I'm in the creative part of the first draft. I spent two days stuck in this one spot. This story's been in my head since August. I need it out of my head.
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