A dream

[veryblessedmom]

You might have questions since this is from my 20th chapter. If so, please post them. Please tell me anything you see that is wrong. I need to improve as a writer and putting it out there is the only way--So let me have it.


Darkness surrounded me. The cold damp air matched the temperature of my body as I lay on the hard rock floor. The constant drip…drip…drip… of water falling from the top of the cave echoed in my ears. Nothing ever changed here. I was always alone in the dark.


I rolled over as I always did in the dream, facing out into the light. A glowing figure approached me. My eyes strained as I looked into the light, but this time I could not see Lilly’s face.


Suddenly I looked around, realizing this was not the cave. Darkness, deeper and blacker than I had ever known surrounded me. It was more than darkness--it was a void. My surroundings were not hidden in the dark, they were not there.


I turned once again to look at the glowing figure. My hand lifted palm out, to shield my eyes from the glare. The light did not reflect from this person like it did in my dreams of Lilly. The person was the source of the light.


I drew back as the glowing pillar approached me. I curled my legs into my chest and hugged them to me, making myself as small and unnoticeable as I could.


A voice spoke from beside me. My eyes strained as I turned my head to find the speaker. I could not see them through the black that was more than darkness.


The voice was male but serpent like, lingering on the S’s like a lisp. “This one is different from the others. I should like to have him.”


“No, he is mine,” thundered the voice from the pillar. His voice carried unquestionable authority as he spoke.


“And you spoil him, so of course he loves you. But does he really?” Asked the voice from the darkness. “What if your light was cut off from him? Would he love you then?”


“You know I cannot and will not leave one of my own. It is not possible to separate him from me or me from him. What you suggest cannot be.”


“Oh, no. You misunderstand me, Great One.” The slithery voice spoke with false flattery. “I was simply wondering if this one could no longer feel the warmth of your light, if for a season he was cut off from your great blessings, would he still follow you?”


“You spoke correctly when you said this one was different. He is not a man driven by feelings. Tell me, what is it you propose?”


“This man, Nathaniel, has lived his whole life bathed in Your light. He has never known even a moment of darkness. He has grown strong and tall, but how would he fare in the shade? I want to test the roots of this young tree. Will he make it through a dark winter, or will he wither and die?”


I pushed up from my place on the floor into a seated position, still clutching my legs to my chest..

“You can have your season of darkness. But let me warn you, you will regret it. I know my servant, Nathaniel. His roots run deep and his trunk is not hollow, but full like a cedar. His faith will not only survive through the cold dark winter but be stronger for it. For a time you may hide my light from him, but you cannot remove it. You do not have that power. But when the shadow is removed from him, and he has proved faithful, my blessings will pour out on him like the bursting of a dam. His faithfulness will not go unnoticed. His rewards will be remembered and stored up for him.”


My eyes flew open to the familiar sight of the motel ceiling. I threw off the rough backed coverlet as I got up from the floor beside the bed. A glance toward the window and door told me it was night.

[metalikhan]

Critiquing a sequence that's well into the story poses some challenges in that we can't know what has happened before the sequence or after it. I do apologize in advance if I'm way off the mark in understanding some of this. I've seriously considered carrying catsup or mustard with me so when I stick my foot in my mouth it doesn't taste so bad while I chew on it.

Anyway, a writer weighs comments and judges the value of them against his or her own vision of the story. After all, it's your story, not mine.

What I do is leave your writing intact but space out the locations for comments. I also italicize my comments so it's easier to differentiate between what each of us writes.

Darkness surrounded me. The cold damp air matched the temperature of my body as I lay on the hard rock floor. The constant drip…drip…drip… of water falling from the top of the cave echoed in my ears. Nothing ever changed here. I was always alone in the dark.

Nice beginning to this dream sequence -- it captures the feel of chill and isolation quickly.

I rolled over as I always did in the dream, facing out into the light. A glowing figure approached me. My eyes strained as I looked into the light, but this time I could not see Lilly’s face.

Suddenly I looked around, realizing this was not the cave. Darkness, deeper and blacker than I had ever known surrounded me. It was more than darkness--it was a void. My surroundings were not hidden in the dark, they were not there.

The placement of this paragraph troubles me. Is the character still in darkness? Is the approaching light illuminating him? You might consider swapping places with the paragraph preceding it and show him becoming aware of the dark void transitioning into a lightening void.
If the surroundings were not there, did Nat have a change of perspective or did the cave he started in vanish? Is he still on something he recognizes as a hard rock floor? Does the drip...drip...drip... still echo, does it fade, or does he realize it wasn't there to begin with?

"Suddenly" needs a comma after it — introductory adverb modifying "looked".

"Darkness... surrounded me" is your core sentence so you can use a pair of commas to set off the adjective phrase or use a pair of dashes for stronger emphasis.

"My surroundings were not hidden in the dark, they were not there."
If your writing program has this option, set it to flag passive sentences. You don't have to change every one it flags, but most sentences can be improved by moving from passive to active voice. Example with this sentence:" Darkness did not hide my surroundings..."
After "surroundings", you might consider using a semicolon. This means that "they" (in "they were not there") more directly follows "surroundings" so "they" = "surroundings".
Another thing you could try is to separate it (as well as the sentence before it) as a sentence unto itself which would give a staccato burst of short sentences, useful for pacing action but it also can show an increase in the character's anxiety.

I turned once again to look at the glowing figure. My hand lifted palm out, to shield my eyes from the glare.

"My hand lifted palm out, to shield my eyes from the glare."
A couple of suggestions: set off "palm out" with a comma before and after; and change the infinitive "to shield" with "shielding".

The light did not reflect from this person like it did in my dreams of Lilly. The person was the source of the light.

"The light did not reflect from this person like it did in my dreams of Lilly."
Replace "like" with "as".

I drew back as the glowing pillar approached me. I curled my legs into my chest and hugged them to me, making myself as small and unnoticeable as I could.

A voice spoke from beside me. My eyes strained as I turned my head to find the speaker. I could not see them through the black that was more than darkness.

"I could not see them through the black that was more than darkness."
Again, I wonder if the glowing pillar is not an illuminating one. Earlier, the character's eyes strained looking into the light; now he strains looking through darkness. You might consider exploring this dichotomy in a little more depth. Perhaps the blackness is a blindfold-like darkness through which only the indistinct pillar of light penetrates.
Dreams are funny things. Sometimes you can see something through your own eyes in a dream at the same time you view yourself as though from outside yourself. It makes for some mind-bending surrealism.

The voice speaking next to the character is singular — there is a disagreement of numbers when the character could not see "them". If you want to stay with a pronoun, you could change it to "him" or you could substitute a noun such as "the source" or "the speaker".

The voice was male but serpent like, lingering on the S’s like a lisp. “This one is different from the others. I should like to have him.”

Possibly make "serpent like" into a hyphenated compound (serpent-like) or switch to an adjective (serpentine).
"... lingering on the S’s like a lisp." can also be rearranged to extend the hissing quality; for example, "...his S's lingering in a (reptilian) lisp."

“No, he is mine,” thundered the voice from the pillar. His voice carried unquestionable authority as he spoke.

“And you spoil him, so of course he loves you. But does he really?” Asked the voice from the darkness. “What if your light was cut off from him? Would he love you then?”

"Asked the voice from the darkness."
This is not a separate sentence. Do not capitalize "asked" after closing this quote. On the other hand, if this is a rather old-fashioned lead-in for the immediately following quote, the period should be changed to a comma.

“You know I cannot and will not leave one of my own. It is not possible to separate him from me or me from him. What you suggest cannot be.”

“Oh, no. You misunderstand me, Great One.” The slithery voice spoke with false flattery. “I was simply wondering if this one could no longer feel the warmth of your light, if for a season he was cut off from your great blessings, would he still follow you?”

The slithery voice spoke with false flattery.

Nice echo of the earlier sibilance. (Or should I s-s-say Nic-c-ce?)

“You spoke correctly when you said this one was different. He is not a man driven by feelings. Tell me, what is it you propose?”

“This man, Nathaniel, has lived his whole life bathed in Your light. He has never known even a moment of darkness. He has grown strong and tall, but how would he fare in the shade? I want to test the roots of this young tree. Will he make it through a dark winter, or will he wither and die?”

"This man, Nathaniel, has lived" — commas not needed here. They can actually cause some confusion because it looks like the speaker is addressing Nathaniel rather than talking about "this man Nathaniel". Although your usage is correct, it is considered unclear and archaic.

I pushed up from my place on the floor into a seated position, still clutching my legs to my chest..

Just an oops — drop one of the periods.

“You can have your season of darkness.

"You can have your season of darkness..." The speaker is granting permission rather than acknowledging the other's ability to have a season of darkness. Consider replacing "can" with "may" so your sentence reads: "You may have your season of darkness."

But let me warn you, you will regret it. I know my servant, Nathaniel.

"...my servant Nathaniel..." — the same note as above regarding this man Nathaniel.

His roots run deep and his trunk is not hollow, but full like a cedar. His faith will not only survive through the cold dark winter but be stronger for it. For a time you may hide my light from him, but you cannot remove it.

"His roots run deep and his trunk is not hollow, but full like a cedar." I would suggest either moving your comma to follow "deep" or placing a semicolon after "deep". Leave out the comma after "hollow".

"For a time" needs a comma after it — adverb phrase.

You do not have that power. But when the shadow is removed from him, and he has proved faithful, my blessings will pour out on him like the bursting of a dam.

But when the shadow is removed from him, and he has proved faithful, my blessings will pour out on him like the bursting of a dam.

"When" applies to both parts of this compound clause so you need to drop the comma after "...removed from him".

His faithfulness will not go unnoticed. His rewards will be remembered and stored up for him.”

My eyes flew open to the familiar sight of the motel ceiling. I threw off the rough backed coverlet as I got up from the floor beside the bed. A glance toward the window and door told me it was night.

Aren't dream sequences fun?! From the context, it sounds like this isn't the first time your character dreams; but it has changed from what he normally dreams. I can't help but notice a strong echo of the discussion God and Satan had about Job. Do what you will to my servant, Satan, but he will remain faithful to Me.

[veryblessedmom]

Thank you Metalikhan. I really appreciate the input. Grammar rules have always alluded me. I'm afraid they always will.

Establishing the scene is a weakness too. I see it, but have trouble conveying it.

Thanks again for helping me strengthen my writing.

[morganlbusse]

Here are a couple thoughts I had... I would put more description of the cave before transitioning into the dream sequence to show the lack of surroundings when he goes into the dream sequence (I like the drip, drip part, but also you could put the stale or damp scent, the hard feeling of the cave floor beneath him, etc...).

Perhaps show the serpent male's S lisp in his sentences (when I'm reading his sentences, I'm not remembering the lisp, so I'm not hearing it in my head).

Hmm, I got to the bottom of your dream sequence and realize the cave is part of the dream too. In that case, perhaps disregard my top note since in dreams you don't really notice as much.

Hope this helps ;P

[metalikhan]

My grammar studies predated personal computers. I am also one of those bizarre alien creatures that enjoys structural and transformational grammar, punctuation, and diagramming sentences. I knew early in life that I wanted to write; and I wanted to be able to use those tools in my toolbox very well.

That's not to say I perform my own writing flawlessly. In the heat of getting a first draft down before I lose it, I sometimes leave out words or do torturous things to the grammar. I usually — but not always — catch them later. There have been times I never see an error simply because my mind "sees" the correct version. That's when a second or third pair of eyes can be helpful.

I still have mixed feelings about the spell and grammar checkers in writing programs. On the one hand, they alert me to things they see wrong or questionable so I get an opportunity for another look to see if I really meant what I wrote. On the other hand, they go ballistic when I'm working on poetry or an experimental scene/story or when I'm inventing new words/lingo for a SFF story. Makes lots of pretty Christmas colors all over the text. The Ignore button gets a workout.

When I deliberately break some rule, I know why I'm doing it and what effect I'm trying to achieve with it. *shrugs* Sometimes the magic works and sometimes it doesn't.

[veryblessedmom]

May 29, 2009 17:26:05 GMT -5 metalikhan said:

My grammar studies predated personal computers. I am also one of those bizarre alien creatures that enjoys structural and transformational grammar, punctuation, and diagramming sentences. I knew early in life that I wanted to write; and I wanted to be able to use those tools in my toolbox very well.

Can you be my new friend? I've wanted to write since I was a child, but grammar and math make no sense to me. If it is logical or formulaic, it does not compute in my brain.

My husband, who might as well be Spock from ST, shakes his head at how I do things. He really does not understand the characters living in my head either, but he accepts and loves me.

[metalikhan]

Mais oui, mi amiga!
But I have to say that all the folks here are very friendly and tremendously encouraging. A godly and God-fearing bunch of adventurers!

As for grammar and math -- grammar, yeah, I do fairly well. Math, however, made no sense at all to me until I was trained as a machinist. I think most of my teachers and professors were excellent mathematicians; but until I saw the math at work, put my hands on a physical product and saw what the math did, I couldn't grasp the theory. Tactile learning, I guess.

[veryblessedmom]

Math, however, made no sense at all to me until I was trained as a machinist.

but until I saw the math at work, put my hands on a physical product and saw what the math did, I couldn't grasp the theory. Tactile learning, I guess

Me too. I put off chemistry until my senior year of HS b/c I was sure I would fail it due to the math. I had to work my tail off and get tutors to pull off C's in all my math classes. But in Chemistry all those formulas suddenly made sense. I saw why those numbers and letters were put where they were and I made A's on all the quizzes.

I guess that the why of it was my hang-up. I never out grew that stage. Even when I write I have to know why my characters do what they do. I can know we need some action or to change locations, etc, but I cannot write it until I've asked my characters why they would go there or do that, etc.

In my story I'm about to do a no-no and have a miraculous intervention, but before I could write it, I had to figure out a logical reason for it. It had to make sense and the why of it had to be clearly explained before I could bring myself to write it.





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