The Earth Painter

[torainfor]

Besides a few words duplicated too close to each other, I only saw two things:

1. I wasn't clear that the boy sitting on the stage wasn't the African American boy until Holly called him out. A quick description earlier on would clear this up.

2. Holly's change in mood at the end comes really quickly. She goes from tough cynicism to crying in a sentence. If she's that fragile, I'd think her internal dialogue would show it earlier in the scene.

One more thing that's more preference than anything else. You have good mystery in your prologue, but the setting is identical to the end of the first chapter. If you're going to foreshadow a scene in the prologue (which I have no problem with!) I think it'd be better if it were completely foreign to the first couple of chapters.

Other than that, very interesting!

[Christian Soldier]

The problem with being asked to render a critique on the beginning of the book is that I can only give you the bearest bones of an opinion until I read the whole thing. However, it's a nice little bit that captures the imagination. It gives neither too little nor too much information, ensuring a good flow.

TRF.. I'm not sure what you meant on the first one. He would have been ID-ed by his name if it had been him rather than the generic. But maybe I'm just not seeing it. The other, though, your right. The sudden mood change is just that: sudden. I should mention, however, that your male audience won't catch it. I didn't until it was pointed out.

Then again, maybe she's just like that? I have no frame of reference on that one.

Would you be willing to post chapter 2?

[torainfor]

I didn't mean by name--just appearance. It's usually fairly easy to tell an African American boy from a Caucasian--unless you can't see or hear them.

[veryblessedmom]

Aug 19, 2009 20:08:14 GMT -5 torainfor said:

2. Holly's change in mood at the end comes really quickly. She goes from tough cynicism to crying in a sentence. If she's that fragile, I'd think her internal dialogue would show it earlier in the scene.quote]

Thanks for the feedback.
She's a teenage girl. They are generally emotionally volatile. I don't see it as her emotions changed all that quickly. She's very concerned about what people think of her. The beginning attitude is protection because of her insecure center.

I remember adolescence in general as being a time of posturing for those around you.

I'm not finished with Chapter 2 just yet.

[metalikhan]

I have to agree with CS about the quick change of mood. I didn't notice it because one of my sisters was just as quick in her mood swings when she was a teenager. Mercurial was an understatement for her. The character sounded like a typical girl with all the intensity of teens. She may not want the drama class, but she already sounded like a drama queen at least between her ears.

The suggestion trf made about differentiating the new mystery boy with a little more description is a good one. It would only need an adjective or two since the character is not immediately enchanted by his presence; she's just noticing people and placements.

The preface gave me pause, too, although not for the same reason trf mentioned. To me, it sounded like a passage that's going to be repeated later in the book. Although that kind of foreshadowing occurs in other novels, you might keep in mind to not make it sound exactly like your preface when you get to that part of the story.

Looking forward to the next chapter.

[Christian Soldier]

Here's the line by line:
"The next day Holly moped around the school same as before" -- Recommend rewording. Either remove the "same as before" and expand to show her moping about, or simply leave it out.

" I thought you didn’t wanted to be in drama" -- didn't wanted?

" She said everyone’s name except Theo. Holly felt sorry for him being ignored again." -- I have an odd feeling that this becomes important later. Recommend adding detail, ie the end of the role call where Theo should have been called: "Thomas, Tidas, Timothy," Something like that

"“Theo,” Holly pointed to the boys sitting right beside her." -- Is the "s" intentional?

"Was she on something?" -- No problem. I like this one and wanted to point that out.

"“What is it?” Theo asked leaning in to look at the papers." -- Recommend adding that he leaned in "close" because of her next statement.

Over all:

I love how you use your prologue as a weapon. Oh yes, I caught that, alright. You think: aha! We finally get to see what happens after she follows him. .. none of her business? NO! I'm curious blast it!

Which, of course, drives me to read on. I sense the important bits pertain to Theo and the water; although, I have no idea how, or even if, they are related. Again, now I'm curious.

So far, your characters seem consistent, your plot thickening nicely, and your world easy to follow. In addition, you manage to convey a nice sense of wrongness without being overt about it. Very nice.

So what makes this not the best story in the world? Largely the bits I mentioned earlier and the lack of proceeding chapters. Otherwise I have no further substantive advice.

The preceding advice, for what it was worth, was furnished free of charge, and, believe me, you got your money's worth. Any insult or injury is completely unintentional and should be discarded as the words of a crazy artilleryman.

Thanks for sharing!

[tonylavoie]

I like the characters...you dive right into giving them unique personalities, and letting those personalities come out in their dialog and actions.

Couple of things that I noticed:

Your sentences--especially in the prologue--are very choppy. She did this. He did that. She followed him. Try combining a couple here and there so that the whole things flows more smoothly. I almost didn't read on past the prologue because the choppiness started getting to me.

For the rest of chapter 1, here are a couple of specific things I caught:

"Holly didn’t even notice that someone was beside her until he spoke. She jerked her head around to find the source of the deep bass voice.
“Are you lost?” asked a tall skinny African-American boy with a fade haircut."

Here we have a deep bass voice that hasn't yet spoken any words. I'd re-work this so that the voice comes first and the boy comes after.

"A damp musty smell rushed up her nose. Its earthy smell reminded her..." You have "smell" and "smell"...see if you can find another word for one of them, or re-write the sentences. Something like "A damp, musty smell rushed up her nose, its earthiness reminding her..."

"She watched him as his large eyes scrutinized her face. It was her freckles. He was probably trying to count them." More choppiness. Try something like "His large eyes scrutinized her face. /italics on/ Probably trying to count my freckles /italics off/, she thought with a scowl."

A good start overall, VBMom! interesting characters (the boy's not being there until he was noticed kind of reminds me of Susan Stohelit in Terry Pratchett's "Soul Music" , and starting out with Holly smack-dab in the middle of a semi-crisis (well, for her, a new school is a crisis) means you've got lots of opportunity for conflict, which you've set up nicely. This will be a YA novel, I take it? And is it a ghost story? (I haven't read ch 2 yet, so if those questions are answered there, forgive me.

[veryblessedmom]

Thanks for the input.

The choppiness has to do with other critiques that suggested I learn to write tight. I was told my style was too long and wordy and to make short clean sentences. I prefer my natural style of long sentences. I was also told to put everything up front and get rid of the annoying mystery aspect but that's how I write.


Thanks CS for finding my typos. I read what's supposed to be there and not what's really there.

I'm working on my craft but have a feeling I will always be stronger in the story aspect than the writing.

Nope, not a ghost story.

[waldenwriter]

Aug 21, 2009 10:12:04 GMT -5 veryblessedmom said:

The choppiness has to do with other critiques that suggested I learn to write tight. I was told my style was too long and wordy and to make short clean sentences. I prefer my natural style of long sentences. I was also told to put everything up front and get rid of the annoying mystery aspect but that's how I write.

I have that problem too. No one ever said anything to me about it until I started university and my Lit teacher told me I was too wordy in my essays. Now I actually notice it, and it's annoying.

I don't agree with putting everything up front. After all, what is foreshadowing for? The whole mystery genre relies on not telling stuff up front.

***

As for your story, I haven't read it yet with an editor's eye (picking out typos, etc), I just read it to read it. Based on that first impression, I think it is very well written. You create some good suspense in the prologue, making it tense and fast and then ending it on a cliffhanger.

I agree that the mood swings are normal, cause Holly's a teenager. The disrespect of her parents is also typical teenage behavior.

You create some interesting mystery from the get-go with Theo, who for one sits on the stage (rather than offstage with the other students) and goes somehow unnoticed by the teacher.

You also do a good job portraying the high school stereotypes -- the science geek (Wayne), the letterman-jacket jock (Anthony), and the new kid (Holly). We didn't really have clear-cut groups like that at my school (probably because it was private), but they do exist, and you portray them well without being too cheesy about it. Good job!

I liked the comment from the one student who said he was taking drama for an easy A. Lots of people think classes like that in high school are easy-A classes, only to find that they are hard work. There were people in my yearbook class my senior year who were like that (they dropped the class pretty early on).

Overall, the story sounds interesting. Keep it up!

[JenLenaMom]

This reads so much smoother, VBM. I like the first person so much better, I remember you said somewhere it was your natural writing style.

One little POV slip I see without going over it to indepth.

I stormed off the stage. Miss Jones and the other students turned and watched me grab my backpack and storm out the door.

Unless she can see the stage from where's she grabbing her bag, she's not going to know they all turned to stare. Now maybe she assumes they're staring because she is storming out of class, but if it were me I wouldn't be looking back to see if they were watching me or not.

[veryblessedmom]

Fixed POV problem on my copy. Now she feels them staring.
Thanks

[waldenwriter]

The POV change does change the tone of the piece a lot, but in a good way. I'm personally a fan of first-person narrative. I don't write as well in third-person. (I may write the novel I'm working on in third person though, because a while back when I was going to serialize the novel in an e-zine, I wrote the one chapter I did submit in third-person, and it seemed right).