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Post by Cully the Swamp Walker on Aug 23, 2009 15:24:16 GMT -5
I would like to get input on this piece. I'm calling it lyrical prose. I'm not sure if it's complete, or if it is the seed that could grow into a larger story. Thanks for reading. Attachments:
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Post by metalikhan on Aug 23, 2009 17:35:54 GMT -5
Sounds cool but my antique computer is having glitchy problems with opening attachments. Could you send it to me as a PM here?
I'm interested because I like poetry as well as prose; and one of my own current projects is polishing a prosetry fantasy story about survivor guilt.
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Post by metalikhan on Aug 23, 2009 17:38:38 GMT -5
BTW, can't remember if I said welcome. Welcome aboard, cbryant!  |
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Post by Cully the Swamp Walker on Aug 23, 2009 18:48:00 GMT -5
I'm not sure my story is loading correctly. I've pasted it below. Please see my comments above regarding my general thoughts. Thanks!
Jack and Jesus
Jesus entered Jerusalem on a donkey, the scripture says. A male donkey…a jack. We’ll call him Jack. I wonder if all of the other donkeys knew Jesus was coming. Were they learned in the scriptures, sucking up to their elders, each trying to be the “One”? Did they know it had been foretold that the Messiah would choose one of them to ride? Maybe Jack pictured himself hoofing across the palm leaves, basking in the Hosannas. I wonder if they all jockeyed for position on that fateful day, trying to catch the disciple’s eye, braying, “Pick me!” with their donkey lips curled back showing their yellow teeth. Did Jack cheat? I’ll bet he nipped the rear of some nearby Jenny, causing her to look away at just the wrong moment, Jack stepping up to take her place. I’ll bet all the other donkeys hated Jack. Watching him prance all high and mighty with the Son of God on his back was probably disgusting to them. The triune Creator fashioning Jack into a donkey of renown. I wonder if any of the Lord’s humility seeped from his thighs and into Jack’s flanks, changing him into a better beast? It certainly would have done him some good.
Jack had to know where Jesus was headed. I’m sure that would have been part of the curriculum for all donkeys-in-training. He had to know how it would all end, the man on his back nailed to a tree. Jack probably put that part out of his mind. Nails and torture and Messiahs don’t have anything to do with donkeys. After all, donkeys don’t need redeeming. And after that one short walk with that one special burden, Jack would have had it made…made in the shade.
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Post by metalikhan on Aug 24, 2009 0:09:15 GMT -5
Since you're new here, I thought I should direct you to your PM box. Some time ago, I decided to give authors a preview of critiques before posting. If you approve, I'll go ahead and post. If not, I'll leave it as a PM for your eyes only. |
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Post by Christian Soldier on Aug 24, 2009 1:47:01 GMT -5
I've moved this to the Anomalous Reading thread. The Collab section is for writing stories with someone else.
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Post by Cully the Swamp Walker on Aug 24, 2009 6:42:54 GMT -5
I've moved this to the Anomalous Reading thread. The Collab section is for writing stories with someone else. Thanks for letting me know. I wasn't sure where to put it. |
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Post by metalikhan on Aug 24, 2009 9:31:40 GMT -5
The structure of Jack and Jesus reminds me of some of the ultra-short stories and vignettes (under 1000 words) I've seen on some Christian fiction sites. It looks like there are potential ways to expand on it. Consider the donkey that God allowed to speak in the Old Testament or the one that bore Mary on the way to Bethlehem. It could also be a fictional springboard for exploring the idea of animals recognizing deity (such as in Revelation 5: 13). Perhaps you could expand on the theme of animals not requiring redemption since they weren't the ones who disobeyed God; but because they were placed in service under human dominion, they, too, suffer the physical consequences of humanity's fall.
If your approach is an essay-type musing, the "I" could remain.
If you're composing this as fiction, the main suggestion I would make is to remove the obvious narrator "I". The repetition of "I wonder" and "I'll bet" feels intrusive, as does "I'm sure" and even the "We'll" in the 3rd sentence. They pull attention from Jack to the narrator.
You called this lyrical prose. Are you subjecting it to some kind of scansion that influences your word choices and how you're constructing your sentences? I ask because some could be streamlined, changed from passive to active. In very short works, each word and phrase has to work harder to earn its place in the writing; if it's not sweating, then it becomes filler and diminishes the punch of both the sentence and the work. For example, After all, donkeys don’t need redeeming could be streamlined to Donkeys don't need redeeming or Donkeys don't need redemption.
You've set up some clever word-plays that could be repeated. For example, in the sentence where Jack nips the rear of some nearby Jenny, you used Jenny as both name and the gender designation for the female donkeys. You could strengthen and foreshadow this word-play by combining your 2nd and 3rd sentences, perhaps something like, A male donkey — call him Jack or A male donkey — they call him Jack so Jack is both name and gender designation, echoed later in the part about Jenny. The first makes it a command which implies the narrator's presence without being blatant; the second is an empirical statement of a fact.
I also liked the bit about Jack "hoofing across palm leaves" and the other donkeys "jockeyed for position".
Jack and Jesus is a charming take on the colt's part in Jesus' entry into Jerusalem.
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