Post by dizzyjam on Sept 2, 2009 23:46:26 GMT -5
All right, so I've got this short story and I'm wanting to get it edited good. I know about the way the tense goes back and forth, that always happens when I write, so I'm aware of that already. What I'm looking for is everything else. This is a first draft fresh from just the other night. I haven't even read over it yet, but someone called it "unbelievable" and meant that in a positive way, but encouraged me to "edit the tar" out of it.
I don't want too many opinions, so I'm just putting up a teaser to attract three people to help me out. If you want to read more and help me edit it, just put a post up here saying you would be. After this weekend I'll e-mail you back and we can get to work on it.
Here's the teaser of "Rescued":
A rustle in the bush, a quick movement, and the prey is caught. The predator is of a species almost as old as man. And the prey is man with a womb. Also known as woman. In other circumstances, the predator might be considered one too.
The sharp teeth tear into the flesh of the neck and a rough hand covers the mouth to prevent screaming. One moment she was running along a trail. The next, she’s gone. The evening news will run a story on her and the search will last for weeks with the news giving “Breaking” reports that gives no real information. Eventually she will be forgotten and the boyfriend will be a prime suspect in her disappearance.
“Oh, you taste real good” the creature breaths into the frightened woman’s ear. This particular individual that was feasting had survived for almost two centuries in her current state. The legends called such creatures “Vampires”, but the truth was stranger than any kind of fiction one could dream up.
The creature once known as Lenora Peterson, and had stopped being that one at the age of sixteen, licked the blood with her forked tongue. She saw the prey’s eyes look into her own and the fear on the face as the prey saw the cat like eyes on such a twisted face was palpable to the predator and she feeded on that to strengthen herself as she pressed forward to devour her prey with a mouth going over the top of the prey’s head.
Then in moments, the prey was gone, and the predator was a little more lumpy than before, but satisfied that the hunger would go away for the rest of the night.
* * * * * * *
The next day, Beth Olsen went about her daily routine picking up a paper at the newsstand with her shades on to protect her sensitive eyes from the bright sun.
“Ain’t it a cryin’ shame!” the newsvendor moaned to another customer. “A person can’t even run in the park no more without being victimized.” He tapped the cover of section E with the back of his hand to indicate the missing girl that didn’t return home last night. She was the daughter of wealth and thus the papers printed the story super fast in hopes that a scandal would break.
“Dontcha’ know it Al. Young girls should always go in pairs. That’s the way I raised my girls and they never had this problem.”
Beth walked away sipping her mocha and looking at the business section. Stocks fell to a new record low and the “experts” still recommended putting money into mutual funds because “it will bounce back”, meantime the real money makers were holding off on buying stock and getting all the real estate while it was cheap.
Beth didn’t play the game, but she kept up on it.
Daytime was always so strange for her. She felt like she was living a life that no one else could understand. Ever since she was sixteen and was attacked that night when coming out of the barn, she had been more than a new person, she was an entirely different species.
She found that she had a thirst for blood and that this thirst was greater than the thirst for water. She still drank water because her body still needed that, but when the thirst for blood hit, forget about the water, baby. Only blood will do. She remembered a beer commercial and had quipped to herself at the time, “This blood’s for you.”
She also felt an overwhelming hunger at times that led her to do an extraordinary feat that she would not have guessed she could have done before. It frightens her after everytime it happens. Indeed the whole life frightens her.
Occasionally she will come across others like her. She can usually sense that they are watching her, but she keeps to herself. She doesn’t like the way they just accept and revel in the way they are. She always feels like it’s something other than her doing it all and that she’s just a vessel. She doesn’t know how to get free and her faith in God that she once had left her when she asked to be cleansed of the curse she was under and it didn’t go away.
She sipped her mocha again remembering all of this yet again. How many times would she relive her life inside of her? Can she even call this a life anymore with this reptilian aspect of her that takes over when she doesn’t want it?
As she sits down on a bench to wait for the bus, she looks as normal as any other teenage girl out there. If she could, she would find a way to be normal again and just live out the rest of her life since in this day and age, anyone with half a brain can get rich and live like the royalty of old never dreamed of.
The bus arrives. She remains seated as she has no place to go and isn’t sure how long she will stay where she’s at.
* * * * * * *
Evening comes and Beth is in an alley watching a prostitute letting a man have his way with her for a small price of cash. They can’t see her, but after decades of learning how not to be seen, Beth sees them. She feels the faint stirrings of the thirst, but is still able to control it.
She turns away disgusted with the sight of two people debasing themselves so when they could just spend a little time and find a way to purchase the building their bodies are rubbing up against.
Those kind will always stay poor. It’s unfortunate, but true. And the poorness won’t even be the lack of money either she realizes a bit later.
She starts walking down the street to see if she can find a man she can talk out of some money herself without letting him touch her. She needed to be inside tonight and didn’t have money for a room.
* * * * * * *
Two more nights pass and the thirst increases. Beth’s getting to the point where her body will start to change and become something she knows deep within that she isn’t, yet there it is.
She stands on a bridge and looks down at the long drop to nothingness. Except it never works out that way for her. She tried more than once. She even tried silver one time, but that just gave her a rash that wouldn’t go away for weeks. Killing herself was not an option. She didn’t know how to end it. All she knew was that she wanted it to end, and end immediately.
“God, if you are there, please let this end.”
She stood for a moment seeing some people off to the side and the thirst remained and grew stronger.
“I suppose He really doesn’t exist.”
“Oh, He does. He just wants to test you sometimes.”
Startled, she looks up to see a man standing beside her looking out from the bridge too. He was rather plain, yet there was something familiar about him. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but it was almost like she had met him before, yet since she didn’t recognize him, she didn’t know where that feeling came from.
END TEASER
All right, if you have the ability to edit and want to help me out, I can send you the full story and you can read how things go from here. Again, I need only three people and please don't respond just because you want to find out how it ends, I really need some help here. First come, first served. And I'll be in Atlanta at DragonCon this weekend, so I will get back with you after that. Thanks!
I don't want too many opinions, so I'm just putting up a teaser to attract three people to help me out. If you want to read more and help me edit it, just put a post up here saying you would be. After this weekend I'll e-mail you back and we can get to work on it.
Here's the teaser of "Rescued":
A rustle in the bush, a quick movement, and the prey is caught. The predator is of a species almost as old as man. And the prey is man with a womb. Also known as woman. In other circumstances, the predator might be considered one too.
The sharp teeth tear into the flesh of the neck and a rough hand covers the mouth to prevent screaming. One moment she was running along a trail. The next, she’s gone. The evening news will run a story on her and the search will last for weeks with the news giving “Breaking” reports that gives no real information. Eventually she will be forgotten and the boyfriend will be a prime suspect in her disappearance.
“Oh, you taste real good” the creature breaths into the frightened woman’s ear. This particular individual that was feasting had survived for almost two centuries in her current state. The legends called such creatures “Vampires”, but the truth was stranger than any kind of fiction one could dream up.
The creature once known as Lenora Peterson, and had stopped being that one at the age of sixteen, licked the blood with her forked tongue. She saw the prey’s eyes look into her own and the fear on the face as the prey saw the cat like eyes on such a twisted face was palpable to the predator and she feeded on that to strengthen herself as she pressed forward to devour her prey with a mouth going over the top of the prey’s head.
Then in moments, the prey was gone, and the predator was a little more lumpy than before, but satisfied that the hunger would go away for the rest of the night.
* * * * * * *
The next day, Beth Olsen went about her daily routine picking up a paper at the newsstand with her shades on to protect her sensitive eyes from the bright sun.
“Ain’t it a cryin’ shame!” the newsvendor moaned to another customer. “A person can’t even run in the park no more without being victimized.” He tapped the cover of section E with the back of his hand to indicate the missing girl that didn’t return home last night. She was the daughter of wealth and thus the papers printed the story super fast in hopes that a scandal would break.
“Dontcha’ know it Al. Young girls should always go in pairs. That’s the way I raised my girls and they never had this problem.”
Beth walked away sipping her mocha and looking at the business section. Stocks fell to a new record low and the “experts” still recommended putting money into mutual funds because “it will bounce back”, meantime the real money makers were holding off on buying stock and getting all the real estate while it was cheap.
Beth didn’t play the game, but she kept up on it.
Daytime was always so strange for her. She felt like she was living a life that no one else could understand. Ever since she was sixteen and was attacked that night when coming out of the barn, she had been more than a new person, she was an entirely different species.
She found that she had a thirst for blood and that this thirst was greater than the thirst for water. She still drank water because her body still needed that, but when the thirst for blood hit, forget about the water, baby. Only blood will do. She remembered a beer commercial and had quipped to herself at the time, “This blood’s for you.”
She also felt an overwhelming hunger at times that led her to do an extraordinary feat that she would not have guessed she could have done before. It frightens her after everytime it happens. Indeed the whole life frightens her.
Occasionally she will come across others like her. She can usually sense that they are watching her, but she keeps to herself. She doesn’t like the way they just accept and revel in the way they are. She always feels like it’s something other than her doing it all and that she’s just a vessel. She doesn’t know how to get free and her faith in God that she once had left her when she asked to be cleansed of the curse she was under and it didn’t go away.
She sipped her mocha again remembering all of this yet again. How many times would she relive her life inside of her? Can she even call this a life anymore with this reptilian aspect of her that takes over when she doesn’t want it?
As she sits down on a bench to wait for the bus, she looks as normal as any other teenage girl out there. If she could, she would find a way to be normal again and just live out the rest of her life since in this day and age, anyone with half a brain can get rich and live like the royalty of old never dreamed of.
The bus arrives. She remains seated as she has no place to go and isn’t sure how long she will stay where she’s at.
* * * * * * *
Evening comes and Beth is in an alley watching a prostitute letting a man have his way with her for a small price of cash. They can’t see her, but after decades of learning how not to be seen, Beth sees them. She feels the faint stirrings of the thirst, but is still able to control it.
She turns away disgusted with the sight of two people debasing themselves so when they could just spend a little time and find a way to purchase the building their bodies are rubbing up against.
Those kind will always stay poor. It’s unfortunate, but true. And the poorness won’t even be the lack of money either she realizes a bit later.
She starts walking down the street to see if she can find a man she can talk out of some money herself without letting him touch her. She needed to be inside tonight and didn’t have money for a room.
* * * * * * *
Two more nights pass and the thirst increases. Beth’s getting to the point where her body will start to change and become something she knows deep within that she isn’t, yet there it is.
She stands on a bridge and looks down at the long drop to nothingness. Except it never works out that way for her. She tried more than once. She even tried silver one time, but that just gave her a rash that wouldn’t go away for weeks. Killing herself was not an option. She didn’t know how to end it. All she knew was that she wanted it to end, and end immediately.
“God, if you are there, please let this end.”
She stood for a moment seeing some people off to the side and the thirst remained and grew stronger.
“I suppose He really doesn’t exist.”
“Oh, He does. He just wants to test you sometimes.”
Startled, she looks up to see a man standing beside her looking out from the bridge too. He was rather plain, yet there was something familiar about him. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but it was almost like she had met him before, yet since she didn’t recognize him, she didn’t know where that feeling came from.
END TEASER
All right, if you have the ability to edit and want to help me out, I can send you the full story and you can read how things go from here. Again, I need only three people and please don't respond just because you want to find out how it ends, I really need some help here. First come, first served. And I'll be in Atlanta at DragonCon this weekend, so I will get back with you after that. Thanks!