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Post by paischaros on Oct 11, 2007 0:36:37 GMT -5
I've removed the story, since I'm submitting it now to Mindflights. I'll chime in again with the "verdict"
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Post by scholar on Oct 11, 2007 18:02:24 GMT -5
Great story...sad, though
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Post by Christian Soldier on Oct 11, 2007 18:42:14 GMT -5
... ... .... ..... wow ....... ... ..... I wish I could write with such emotion. The only thing I would change is the pond scene. That technique has been used so many times that it's a cliche now. I would recommend having another character bring it up somehow. But...wow. I doubt anyone would care if you left it though. Let me know which 'zine buys it, please.
God Bless-CS
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Post by paischaros on Oct 11, 2007 23:24:48 GMT -5
*blushes* Thanks guys!
Pond scene? Do you mean when Amari sees her reflection in the stream?
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Post by Christian Soldier on Oct 12, 2007 5:36:57 GMT -5
Yep. It's a variation of the classic mirror. Here, check out this article written by CJ Cherryh. You'll see what I mean after that. CJ Cherryh is, btw, one of my very favorite authors in the entire world. Sorry about the mix up...I typed that last post at three or four in the morning...which is normal for me on my schedule. Also, remember Cherryh's law found at the bottom of that page. Cliche or no, you still pull it off.
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Post by Teskas on Oct 12, 2007 7:41:24 GMT -5
Thanks, Paischaros, for sharing your story. Thanks, also, CS, for the link to CJ Cherryh.
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Post by sparrow on Oct 12, 2007 18:54:29 GMT -5
Great story, paischaros. The example of sacrificial love is very clear and moving. Thank you for sharing it with us. I enjoyed it.
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Post by The Blue Collared Philosopher on Oct 13, 2007 7:47:28 GMT -5
Wow, that was a great story!
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Post by paischaros on Oct 16, 2007 10:31:12 GMT -5
Thanks y'all! Hey, any of y'all know of any good Christian Fantasy/speculative fiction 'zines? There's one that I'm thinking of submitting to (It's called Mindflights, which will be a merging of The Sword Review and Dragons, Knights, and Angels), but I want to see what other options there are
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Post by Christian Soldier on Oct 17, 2007 3:18:36 GMT -5
There's also Residential Aliens, but their not mainstream, and don't pay. With that story, I'd submit it to a pay market first. i.e. Mindflights.
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Therin
Junior Member
Forward the frontier.
Posts: 99
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Post by Therin on Nov 29, 2007 9:28:40 GMT -5
Great job! the emotions in that story are heartrenchingly laid out. You should definitely try to get this published somewhere. Its certainly worthy of getting beyond the sphere of influence we call "The Anaomaly."
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Post by tranehess on Dec 16, 2007 0:09:51 GMT -5
The plot is great. I'm sure as you polish it, a lot of the rough edges will come off. That happens with me-- mine start out terrible and get better-- they start out much worse than what you have there. When you're editing your own work, try to read it through the eyes of someone else-- pretend you're reading someone else's work. Ask yourself if you could understand everything you read if you were not the one who wrote it. Watch for repeated words-- saying something too many times in one paragraph is an easy mistake to make, and is hard to catch when you reread your own work. I do like your plot, characters, and setting. You could keep this story short and to the point, for zine publishing, or you could extend it out to an entire book if you have the patience to do so. If you are interested in making it into a book, I suggest you may want to read some other spec fic books that picture the sacrifice of Christ through the sacrifice of a fictional character. No doubt you are already familiar with Aslan from Narnia-- have you read Ted Dekker's trilogy, Black, Red, and White? Keep up the good work.
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Post by paischaros on Dec 20, 2007 1:20:05 GMT -5
I still haven't read the Circle Trilogy ... I SO want to, though. I just haven't gotten my hands on those books yet. I'm actuall working on rewriting the scene right before she goes to the stream. Instead of Ephe waking her up and her stopping for a drink on the way to the Circle, I'm showing Amari getting up after praying, going back to her grove to get some rest, then she'll wake up (naturally, not be woken up), go get a drink, I'll have the reflection thing, then Ephe will come running to find her to bring her to the Circle. I'll post it here when I finish. I tried once to expand this into a longer story. Instead of having Amari give up her life, I had it so that when her horn was removed she became human, then a part of her horn was fashioned into an amulet and she could use that to change back into a unicorn, but without any healing powers. It kinda fell flat after the third chapter, and I brought it back down to short story size, feeling that it was more powerful this way, and with this ending
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Post by paischaros on Jan 2, 2008 10:39:04 GMT -5
Ok, I'm still working on this story. I recently emailed it to Bryan Davis asking for help and advice, and him and I are going to sit down and go over it next week when I'm visiting him and his family I'll be sure to let y'all know about any changes I make from his suggestions I can't wait!!!
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Post by pixydust on Jan 2, 2008 18:08:41 GMT -5
If it's okay, I just wanted to mention something:
You begin with the MC being "the unicorn" and then it chages to Amari. I know they are one in the same by the third sentance but the confusion has already thrown me from the story. I suggest giving us the mc by name straight away--however she thinks of herself that's what she should be called. I know you're worried about confustion with the "unicorn" thing, but you can show us she's a unicorn through her movements--which you already do to some extent, ie: "Her cloven hooves..."
Hope this helps a little. Have fun editing with Bryan. He's a great guy! Best of luck with the story!
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